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Does anyone have any suggestions pleas.................


Registered User
Mar 23, 2015
My husband, who will be 77 next month, has Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer's which were finally diagnosed a couple of years ago. This morning he has been upstairs for almost four hours trying to put on a pair of jeans over trainers which he will not take off his feet. He will not change his clothes or underwear which he put on yesterday and has slept in, nor will he let me wash him, he won't shower or bathe. He has not had any breakfast and probably won't eat lunch. As he is also incontinent it's very important that I can at least wash him. This behaviour is becoming a regular thing and I don't know what to do anymore. I am out of ideas - can anyone suggest anything please.


Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
My hubby was exactly the same. I used to find wet clothes in weird places when he'd finally changed himself. If you have a microwave cooker, keep an eye on it. I found some clothes in mine and the machine had been turned on to dry whatever it was, and had burnt the clothing. Stunk the microwave out for a few days.

I used to insist he change at times when he got very dirty and he always did. I'd carry a set of clothing in to him and tell him he needed to change his clothes.

It may be time to ask for people to come in to wash and change him if that's possible. So sorry you're going through this. It's extremely difficult, I know.


Registered User
Sep 23, 2008
Are there any other family members who could try? My mum had vascular dementia and was very unco-operative with my dad regarding dressing and undressing but would do so for me.
One of my friends in the carers group has the same regarding bathing with her husband but he will co-operate with their daughter. In this case I think it is because this particular daughter looks like a younger version of his wife.
With my mum I wonder if having help from someone of the same sex maybe helped but there is no way of telling.


Registered User
Nov 27, 2014
As Chuggs said, it does sound as though you need help Josette. Do you have any support from social services or anywhere. Is there a local Carer's organisation who could advise you?
Sometimes it's easier for people with dementia to accept help from non family members, and professional carers are experienced inworking with people who aren't necessarily cooperative.
Glad you've found your way here anyway, I'm sure you'll get lots of useful advice and reading through the threads is very informative. Love, Es


Registered User
Oct 13, 2013
North Somerset
Feel so sorry for you, Josette. We had that problem too. My OH is doubly incontinent and every morning was a horrible battle which set the tone for the rest of the day. Don't know what to suggest to you as you cannot leave him to it when he is incontinent. I even got to the stage of 'accidentally' wettIng him with water and then askIng him to get out of his wet clothes which sometimes worked. Think I would have been prosecuted at times if I had been an official paid carer but, like you, got totally desperate. The SS eventually put in a carer to help me in the mornings and evenings but when he started lashing out at them too that was the moment the decision was taken, much against my will, that he should move to a CH. Hope you find a solution.


Registered User
Mar 23, 2015
Thank you all for replying to my plea - it helps just knowing that there are other people experiencing the same difficulties as us and I'm grateful for the helpful suggestions as to how to cope with them. Every day is different so, please watch this space!!


Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
Just a thought - does your husband comply with what "authority" figures tell him to do?

If he'll do what a "nurse" tells him to do about stripping and changing then perhaps getting a uniformed carer in to do the necessary at least once a day would help.

You might even have family members (perhaps retired nurses, carers or even police officers who've kept something that looks like their uniforms!) not remembered by your husband who you'd trust to give your husband the instructions to strip and change while you do the actual work???

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