Does anyone else feel like this?

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by susiesue, Jan 30, 2011.

  1. Gilly

    Gilly Registered User

    May 24, 2005
    Dear Sue

    I think you are very normal.Your loss is very new. I lost my darling David last June. At first I was in a fog and just went through the motions of daily neccesities.Things did not get better with the passage of time but changed.In some ways its a bit worse as I am more aware if you can understand me? Strangely I cry more now than I did at the begining. However I also laugh and smile when talking about him and remembering the things we did, both before his illness and during.I also talk to him alot both in my head and out loud, I can even hear his repy!
    When I go out I find the hardest part is coming home and him not being here.
    I think the saying time is a great healer is in fact not true, but what time does is allow you to slowly come to terms with such a great loss.
    I often think that everything has a price and that it is worth paying when you have shared your life with someone you truely love and who loved you.
    Take care x
  2. ellie 123

    ellie 123 Registered User

    May 25, 2006
    Dear Sue

    My mum died almost two years ago and I am only just getting back to living my life. I haven't been on this site for most of that time as it was too painful and it's still only on good days that I can bear to read the threads.
    It took me one year to go into her room and redecorate it and put it back to what was my dining room. But at one point I thought I'd never manage to go back in that room. But I did. I'm crying now writing this but it is not as devastating as it once was. Even now I sometimes find myself sitting bolt upright in my bed because I think I've just heard her crying out to me and then I remember....
    I feel guilty that it has taken me so long but I have had to teach myself,,,so what. I still do not know what I want to do with the rest of my life, however, last September I started a four year, yes, four years course. And yes all my friends have told me I'll be retired before I finish it!!:)
    I am doing a counselling course and intend to work with dementia patients and their friends and families and I'm still considering opening my own home so that others do not suffer as my mum had to.
    In the beginning, the professionals advised me that it was just grief talking so to put it to the back of my mind. I did try, but so affected was I by my own personal experiences with mum, that it just wouldn't go away.
    And I'm still one day one step ahead and another day two steps back, so take your time, be good to yourself. I believe you will know when it's time.
  3. susiesue

    susiesue Registered User

    Mar 15, 2007
    Hi Ellie

    I think you are very brave even considering counselling friends and families of dementia patients - are you sure this won't be too painful for you? I find I just want to stay as far away as possible from anything similar to how my David was.

    It isn't even three months for me but even as I sit here with the sun shining outside I find I just cannot come to terms with the fact that he has gone. I don't cry a lot but I do wonder how I am going to spend the rest of my life. At the moment I am not interested in doing anything, but hopefully that will improve. I have to have 'noise' in the background, whether it is the radio or TV - anything as long as I don't have to think about what happened - I suppose I am still blocking it out.

    I am hoping that time will help me to come to terms with the loss.

  4. ellie 123

    ellie 123 Registered User

    May 25, 2006
    Dear susiesue

    don't forget I'm further along than you are and yes sometimes a certain place, a certain scent will instantly take you right back,but it gets easier. and we each will take our own time to reach that place.

    one thing that still sends me into a deep depression is I still cannot cope with attending meetings at my local carer's club as they hold the meetings in a room that my mother spent a day a week in day care. she hated it and i hated putting her there but it was the only way i could give her room a really good clean, especially if there had been any accidents on the carpet,etc.

    but everytime I walk into that room, I see her at the window and how agitated and scared she was, thinking I#d deserted her. it breaks my heart everytime.

    love ellie
  5. Bronwen

    Bronwen Registered User

    Jan 8, 2010
    Dear Susiesue...Please don't beat yourself up about being one can lose their beloved partner in life and be expected to get back to "normal" in such a short time. I am not in that position yet, although I have lost my dear busband to another world of his own, but I know i think of the day when he will pass away and I can't imagine how awful it will be.

    Just let time be the healer and take one day at a time.

    look after yourself. You have so many friends here and please keep posting.


    Bronwen x
  6. creativesarah

    creativesarah Registered User

    bless you lovely susiesue
    you are normal very normal when my mum died my dad and i had little in common, so i took up gardening, as he was a keen gardener and we both had a garden. I got hooked but after he died i found going into the garden excruciating and I'm afraid our garden suffered as a result which is sad but thats the way it took me now i am gardening again but my problem is remembering what I've put where the plants seeds etc!!!
  7. wellwisher

    wellwisher Registered User

    Mar 10, 2011
    I,m sorry to hear of your loss and my heart goes out to you. I lost my mother 2 years ago after nursing her for 8 years through the stages of dementia. I thought I would feel relief when her suffering had ended and felt prepared for the end, how wrong was I! I miss her so much and felt like a zombie for a while. So much of my time went into caring for her I was lost as the days seemed to stretch out endlessly. I found comfort in writing down my feeling and started to write poetry here is one I hope it brings you comfort and maybe you may find an outlet.

    I miss you so much
    It's hard to explain
    the silence, the emptiness,
    the heartache, the pain

    The world keeps turning,
    and life goes on,
    but I wake up each day,
    not believing you've gone

    The time had come,
    for you to go,
    to another place,
    I have yet to know

    My love for you
    will never die,
    even though
    we've said goodbye

    It's hard for me
    to comprehend,
    a time in the future
    when my heart will mend.

    As the sun comes up
    it brings with it...hope
    that I will find ways
    to manage, to cope.

    You would want me to be happy,
    and stop feeling blue,
    and think of the good times
    that I shared with you.

    Now as I come to your graveside
    and sit a while,
    my thoughts and my memories
    will make

    In memory of my beautiful mum - GOD BLESS
  8. susiesue

    susiesue Registered User

    Mar 15, 2007
    What a beautiful poem which exactly sums up how I feel. Thank you.

    Hi Sarah - yes the good weather and the garden are painful. Although neither of us were great gardeners we did spend a lot of time in the garden just enjoying the good weather (when we had it:rolleyes:)

    Just imagine what a lovely surprise you are going to get when your seeds and plants start sprouting up:D


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