Hi, I haven't posted for a while, but yes, I am getting quite depressed now about having to visit my mum in her local care home as she has no-one else to visit her, apart from my kids a few times a year.
My dad was very disturbed and paranoid and mad as a box of frogs, but at least visiting him was always novel and involved some crazy conversation until his last few weeks. Now he's gone I realise my mum's short term memory loss means I no longer have a parent I can interact with much, bless her. She loves seeing me, so I see her twice a week for about an hour on my way home from work, but I'm always so tired, and the thought of sitting there answering the same questions and in the same lounge with the tv blaring, or at the same table, fills me with doom. All the effort has to come from us, to take in photos or change the conversation, it's so draining isn't it. As someone said above, it's the balance between the dread and the guilt isn't it.
I take her out now and again, and at least that involves variety. The garden centre is a great one, highly recommended, nice and flat with loos and a cafe and lots of pretty things to stimulate conversation. I know I am so lucky that selling their house means she can be cared for near me, so really I have nothing to complain about. I have physical freedom from looking after her but mentally I feel utterly shackled, she's been physically well for decades but has had no short term memory for about 15 years, this might go on for years and years.
Anyway, it's hard to get on with my life sometimes, I keep thinking about how long I've got until dementia strikes me too, does anyone else battle with this? Sometimes life feels like killing time knowing the real me will decay into a shadow of the person I've spent half a century being, and what the heck will it do to my kids? What a vile disease this is. Any tips for dispelling this existential crisis, or solving the Guilt: Dread situation?!