MIL has lived with us for 4 years, from diagnosis, her son gave up work and is her carer. Next week we've been married for 2 years. The last 6 weeks have seen a huge decline - she doesn't want to eat, refuses most things, so has had stomach pains likened to malnutrition, doesn't remember to drink and only sips when prompted. We've had CPN, SALT team, GP, nothing wrong with tummy or swallowing, has lansoprazole and will eat a tiny pancake or cake and custard, soft cakes sometimes. I'd give anything to have her back to when she was annoying me by being in and out the kitchen "helping" ( it became too risky). She's so frail, so tiny now, has taken to her bed most of the time, is having toilet accidents which we deal with, yet gets up at 2am and gets dressed, buttons her coat and sits ready to go home to her mum and dad ( she's 84). There have been so many times I've got upset at having no life, at putting visits to my parents off because we haven't anyone to help ( very cruel invisibles ), no nights out no walks with the dog together...and yet I'm terrified I've given her that vibe, I love her, I help with every aspect of her care and make her chuckle singing or chasing the dog, I stroke her hand when she's confused, is she giving up because I've sometimes felt put upon, drained, lonely? Advice please, anything I can do to tempt her to eat and drink ( we have fortisips and little drinks from the GP), did I make her worse having days when I felt at the end of my tether? I work full time, my parents are ill, my sister is ill, work is hard, kids are at uni, and the dog is bonkers! Phew, lots off my chest, sorry, I feel like I've let her down, all of them in fact, feeling ashamed.
Do you think my "coping badly" days are causing MIL to give up?
- Thread starter Julia B
- Start date
I think you are doing the opposite, you are keeping her safe, giving her some quality of life, overseeing everything and if there is a slight hiccup you are there to sort it straight away.
You have got a heavy load, not sure I could cope and I am only looking after my mother, anything else would just break me. My mum now only drinks tea and vimto cordial and I usually have to prompt her to take a sip, when I do this I notice she really takes tiny sips, so I measure the amount of liquid mum needs to take daily, In a jug in fridge and I use this for everything. I make half cups of tea or juice that she usually drinks, don't use mugs anymore, they are too heavy for her. At the end of the day I know exactly how much she is drinking
Don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing a great job.
You have got a heavy load, not sure I could cope and I am only looking after my mother, anything else would just break me. My mum now only drinks tea and vimto cordial and I usually have to prompt her to take a sip, when I do this I notice she really takes tiny sips, so I measure the amount of liquid mum needs to take daily, In a jug in fridge and I use this for everything. I make half cups of tea or juice that she usually drinks, don't use mugs anymore, they are too heavy for her. At the end of the day I know exactly how much she is drinking
Don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing a great job.
I think you have done everything possible and you have not let anyone down. It sounds like it is all getting too much for you and this is a reason you feel so low. You have described your MILs decline as such that now she needs specialist care from the medical profession. I'm afraid I would insist on it. I would get her admitted to hospital (phone an ambulance or get her GP to do it) and while she is there she will have more thorough tests and she will be assessed for her overall health. Not eating and drinking will be a red flag to the hospital and I would be surprised if they would discharge her in this state. Tell them you are finding it difficult to cope and see what they suggest.
Take care.
Take care.
My experience is limited, however, I feel that a PWD is often so locked into their own world that they don’t notice too much about others. The bottom line, from my point of view, would be that your MiL isn’t reacting to your bad days. I think you are just being visited by the ‘guilt monster’ and her condition is just the natural progression of dementia.
Don’t beat yourself up.
Don’t beat yourself up.
The person with dementia is on a declining path regardless of anything we as carers do or don't do. Some of our interventions or help work at some times but invariably impact is short lived as they move through into another phase and fresh different challenges present. So...no I don't think so. We all analyse our care, perhaps over analyse, I know I did at times for dad, it becomes all consuming and invades every part of our lives no matter that we willingly and lovingly cared at every stage right through to their last days.
What I've realised is dementia makes people pretty self centered. I don't mean that in a bad way, but they're trapped in their own world and their own head. They can feel someone has upset them and they can react to that, but most of the time they're not reacting about anything you've done. They're reacting to their mental decline. Your MIL sounds like a perfectly normal and secure person with dementia who has forgotten to eat or drink. That's not your fault at all! Is there something you could tempt her with? Her favourite food or drink? You both sitting together at a table while you both eat and drink? I'm sure you've tried most things so just remember, this isn't about what you have done. This is the disease.
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