Do you feel proud of yourself?

[totallyconfused]

Ive been feeling pretty sad for myself recently. I said to my uncle, who is always saying keep going, you are doing great, that its hard when there is nothing to show for all my hard years of work keeping my mother safe at home.I start from scratch once this is over.

He was shocked and said you have the fact that you looked after your mother and gave brilliant care.

Maybe Im just not thinking clearly and just in a depressed mood right now but I dont feel proud of myself.Im just sad over my life and a few health issues I need to deal with. I'm worn out for sure. I hired help two nights a week but will probably increase that in the new year

 

[Rosalind297]

I am sure that your uncle is trying to express positive feelings - gratitude, pride and encouragement. But he hasn’t been a carer, so he just won’t know that things like pride in a job well done is no reward for the sacrifices you’ve made both emotionally and physically. I have caring for my mother for years now - gave up home, career and life with friends. I used to enjoy the theatre, going to sports events, meals out and always had three or four books on the go. I admit I’ve had two maybe three afternoons out to the theatre this year, mainly on my own, but it such a massive effort arranging cover even for a few hours and Mum is so desperately anxious when I’m not with her that it takes the pleasure out of it. I haven’t read a book to its conclusion for over three years. I shall have to live on a restricted budget for life once this is over. instead I’m stuck keeping her company watching flipping Judge flipping Rinder once the morning tussle of breakfast and dressing is done and we have been through the inevitable five or six questions about the day of the week, the weather and where everyone is because “it never used to be like this, the world has changed”. Yes it has, love, for both of us. Then the familiar monotony of the day ticks by.

I am told by everyone what a great, selfless job I’m doing but I really should look after myself a bit more ... yup, well the chance would be a fine thing.

So no, I don’t feel proud of myself. I might do after she has died if I managed to keep her at home and give her a relatively decent quality of life but the chances of that happening is remote. Instead I feel inadequate, a little resentful (not toward her just the situation) and frustrated because I have no idea how king this is going on for.

The feelings you have right now are natural and common to most carers, I imagine. But your uncle hasn’t experienced the years of thwarted dreams and seeing his life disappear before his eyes like we have. He’s trying to be supportive to you so take it in that way. One day this will be over and we’ll wonder how the hell we ever did it. Maybe a fleeting sense of pride will flash through us at that point?

 

[nae sporran]

Ive been feeling pretty sad for myself recently. I said to my uncle, who is always saying keep going, you are doing great, that its hard when there is nothing to show for all my hard years of work keeping my mother safe at home.I start from scratch once this is over.

He was shocked and said you have the fact that you looked after your mother and gave brilliant care.

Maybe Im just not thinking clearly and just in a depressed mood right now but I dont feel proud of myself.Im just sad over my life and a few health issues I need to deal with. I'm worn out for sure. I hired help two nights a week but will probably increase that in the new year

Sorry you are so depressed a overwhelmed by caring for your mother, totallyconfused. I hope the extra help with take some of the burden and let you breath, but getting in more help is not a sign of failure so don't worry if that is what is needed.

 

[Jale]

Ive been feeling pretty sad for myself recently. I said to my uncle, who is always saying keep going, you are doing great, that its hard when there is nothing to show for all my hard years of work keeping my mother safe at home.I start from scratch once this is over.

He was shocked and said you have the fact that you looked after your mother and gave brilliant care.

Maybe Im just not thinking clearly and just in a depressed mood right now but I dont feel proud of myself.Im just sad over my life and a few health issues I need to deal with. I'm worn out for sure. I hired help two nights a week but will probably increase that in the new year

Sending many hugs your way - sorry you are feeling like this and wish I had wise words/advice to offer. This illness stinks as it really does affect not only the PWD but also their family.

 

[Jamesw46]

I feel proud of myself I have been looking after mum full time for a few years now

 

[Banjomansmate]

I wasn’t a full time carer for The Banjoman but I know that none of his family could have done what I did for him or cared for him so well, so whilst not ‘proud’ of myself I can feel satisfaction with all that I did, knowing I did the best I could. If, at the end of the day you can say “I have done most things to the best of my ability” then you can hold your head up high!

 

[Duggies-girl]

I wouldn't say I feel proud of myself, in fact I am sometimes ashamed of my dark thoughts but I can't help having them. I do my best for dad and I know he wouldn't have lasted this long or have done this well if I hadn't have stuck with it. Does this make me feel good, not really I still wish it was over with but it is what it is and I will carry on doing my best for as long as I can.

Dad's neighbour thinks I have done wonders with him and his weight loss so I am proud of that but he has not had a shower for months and I am not proud of that. Some you win, some you lose.

 

[Dimpsy]

Dear @totallyconfused and @Rosalind297,

I've just added thrown my hat into the ring and added my opinion, re-read what I've written and decided I don't agree with myself.
I've deleted and need to have a rethink about feeling proud.

 

[Rosalind297]

Dear @totallyconfused and @Rosalind297,

I've just added thrown my hat into the ring and added my opinion, re-read what I've written and decided I don't agree with myself.
I've deleted and need to have a rethink about feeling proud.

Ah @Dimpsy I’m afraid I didn’t see what you posted before deletion. The fact remains that if you have/had a different opinion to me, it is as valid a viewpoint as my own. There are plenty of common denominators for Carers as well as PWD but there are lots of differences too. The heady cocktail of circumstances, personalities and time can be added into the mix and there you have your own unique experience of this horrid disease.

This thread has given me a lot of food for thought and having looked at it from every angle, I can honestly say pride in myself is completely absent. If others feel proud of themselves, I say good, it is some small positive reward that has come out of a difficult situation.

Big hugs to you.

 

[Dimpsy]

Ah @Dimpsy I’m afraid I didn’t see what you posted before deletion. The fact remains that if you have/had a different opinion to me, it is as valid a viewpoint as my own. There are plenty of common denominators for Carers as well as PWD but there are lots of differences too. The heady cocktail of circumstances, personalities and time can be added into the mix and there you have your own unique experience of this horrid disease.

This thread has given me a lot of food for thought and having looked at it from every angle, I can honestly say pride in myself is completely absent. If others feel proud of themselves, I say good, it is some small positive reward that has come out of a difficult situation.

Big hugs to you.

Good morning to you @Rosalind297 and to @totallyconfused (for starting the whole thing off and making my brain hurt trying to clarify my thoughts!)

In fact my middle of the night thread isn't too far removed from your position.
I was trying to say I don't like the word proud, but without upsetting anyone.
Pride comes from achieving and attainment, and we're never going to win against dementiia. It doesn't feel like the right feeling to have, never mind 'pride comes before a fall', 'pride is one of the seven deadly sins'.

Reading other people's posts made me realise a long time ago that (so far) I tread the path lightly, my mum is mostly continent, good appetite, mobile with an arm to support and walking stick, good natured and good company. But that doesn't stop me having days when I scream inside my head with the way OH and I are 'tethered' to this lovely woman who's arrival in our house has changed our relationship with each other and with our children.

This caring role has aged us both but how can we not continue to care for the person who gave me life and a wonderful childhood, and with us feels happy, content and wanted.
Only God knows what a horrible person I am inside because I don't want mum living with us, I want the lovely life OH and I had planned for retirement.

I suppose I feel especially robbed because today OH is having day surgery before a big heart operation.
I should be with him, but can't because mum can't be left on her own and there was no time to organise care, the easiest way was for me to stay at home and I love/hate mum because it's her fault I can't do what I should.
So, do I feel proud?
No, and I don't want to, I take each day as it comes and try not to think about the alternative life we had mapped out; that may or may not happen.

What I do feel is satisfaction that I have done my best under circumstances not chosen by me.

I'm still not sure what I've written is a true reflection of how I feel, it's a testing question. Is it a good thing to examine feelings? Once that box is opened all sorts of emotions tumble out.

 

[Rosalind297]

My thoughts are with you today @Dimpsy. I really mean it. I can only imagine the worry you will have about your OH’s procedure and guilt that you aren’t there to support him. Nothing will assuage that but he sounds like a pretty special chap to be so supportive of you and your Mum and I’m sure you will be there for the major surgery when it comes. After the operation and recovery, he will be a new man so you have that to look forward to.

Also I have to take you up on your statement about being a horrible person. That, frankly is absolute nonsense. What you do for your mother (she sounds lovely BTW) is testament to your goodness and love for her. Inwardly feeling hard done by from time to time is completely natural particularly when plans have had to be put on hold for an indefinite period of time. Look at my original post on this thread - I was moaning because I can’t go to the theatre or read a book! Quite superficial compared to events that are happening to you today. Yet meaningful to me. I have seen other posts by you on this forum and have often thought what a lovely person you seem. I stand by that and will fight anyone who says any different

I hope all goes well for you today and I WILL be thinking of you.

 

[totallyconfused]

Good morning to you @Rosalind297 and to @totallyconfused (for starting the whole thing off and making my brain hurt trying to clarify my thoughts!)

In fact my middle of the night thread isn't too far removed from your position.
I was trying to say I don't like the word proud, but without upsetting anyone.
Pride comes from achieving and attainment, and we're never going to win against dementiia. It doesn't feel like the right feeling to have, never mind 'pride comes before a fall', 'pride is one of the seven deadly sins'.

Reading other people's posts made me realise a long time ago that (so far) I tread the path lightly, my mum is mostly continent, good appetite, mobile with an arm to support and walking stick, good natured and good company. But that doesn't stop me having days when I scream inside my head with the way OH and I are 'tethered' to this lovely woman who's arrival in our house has changed our relationship with each other and with our children.

This caring role has aged us both but how can we not continue to care for the person who gave me life and a wonderful childhood, and with us feels happy, content and wanted.
Only God knows what a horrible person I am inside because I don't want mum living with us, I want the lovely life OH and I had planned for retirement.

I suppose I feel especially robbed because today OH is having day surgery before a big heart operation.
I should be with him, but can't because mum can't be left on her own and there was no time to organise care, the easiest way was for me to stay at home and I love/hate mum because it's her fault I can't do what I should.
So, do I feel proud?
No, and I don't want to, I take each day as it comes and try not to think about the alternative life we had mapped out; that may or may not happen.

What I do feel is satisfaction that I have done my best under circumstances not chosen by me.

I'm still not sure what I've written is a true reflection of how I feel, it's a testing question. Is it a good thing to examine feelings? Once that box is opened all sorts of emotions tumble out.

I like that line:
Satsifaction that I have done my best under circumstances not chosen by me

I didn't choose this role, I tried for years to make people aware pf how bad things were but they thought our mother was fine. I just kept going, doing my best in a role I didnt really want or ask for but my mother deserved to stay home for as long as possible.

Thank you for replying,And you are right, proud is the wrong word to use.

 

[Dimpsy]

Now look @Rosalind297 and @totallyconfused, you've made me cry - and that's not a pretty sight!

Isn't this forum the most wonderful outlet for the complicated lives we lead and thank you for your kindness and support, dare I say you've made me feel proud and I order you two to feel proud too because you have uplifted me (you have); a stranger in any other way but as family with what we share.

My husband is gentle and a gentleman, he has never, ever shown any resentment towards his MiL 'invading' his home and usurping our lives, life without him is unthinkable, so I won't think it.

 

[Lawson58]

Ive been feeling pretty sad for myself recently. I said to my uncle, who is always saying keep going, you are doing great, that its hard when there is nothing to show for all my hard years of work keeping my mother safe at home.I start from scratch once this is over.

He was shocked and said you have the fact that you looked after your mother and gave brilliant care.

Maybe Im just not thinking clearly and just in a depressed mood right now but I dont feel proud of myself.Im just sad over my life and a few health issues I need to deal with. I'm worn out for sure. I hired help two nights a week but will probably increase that in the new year

I believe that your uncle was expressing how proud he is of you, how you have cared for your mum and of course he doesn't really understand how different his perspective is to yours because he is not the one doing the caring.

Proud of myself for what I am doing? Nahhhhh! I am proud of myself for saving my husband's life when he had a cardiac arrest but certainly I cannot feel proud of the war that goes on inside me. - the resentment that I have spent years of my life caring for someone who for the most part treats me like his secretary, chauffeur, chief cook and bottle washer and all the rest of that stuff. Resentment that our life as a couple has been destroyed, that all our plans disappeared into nothing.

I believe that I am doing the absolute best I can in caring for my OH but I do that whatever it is that I have to do.