Do You Ever Get Used To living On Your Own?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by goodnightsienna, Sep 3, 2011.

  1. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    1,425
    Female
    East Coast of Australia
    learning to be alone

    I've been alone for periods of time before when Ray has been in hospital or respite so I've had practice. I can see that when he is permanently in care that will be different too, no coming in that door again. It is lonely sometimes and I do find myself aware of the silence. I am really in the early stages of learning to be alone.

    We have a lot of widows at church and they do have Sunday lunch together, go out to different places in a group, belong to the same committees, go to clubs etc. I will be one of their number one day and hope they will welcome me into their group.

    In the meantime I guess you just fill in the time as best you can. There is plenty to do during the day and at night there is TV, phone calls, chatting on Facebook or messenger. Nothing is the same as having your own loved one with you, maybe not as they are today but as they once were. I've loved being a member of a couple but we all have to face up to that loneliness at some time.

    Sue.
     
  2. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    1,039
    Hereford
    Alone

    Come Dec I'll have been living on my own for four years. There are time it gets to me, but I have to keep busy and not dwell on it. There is the advantage of looking back on my past worst memories to make me count my blessings. Then I look about me and realise how fortunate I've been and am.
    Our daughter use to say; "Dad you live in a make believe world." Reply: "I observe your world and strive to make my beliefs come true."
     
  3. PatH

    PatH Registered User

    Feb 14, 2005
    301
    N.Ireland
    I think in our lonliness we forget just how many of us there are. It's nine years since Donal went into hospital and then to NH. I still suffer from extreme lonliness , however I know im lucky as his home is just mins away. Pat
     
  4. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,497
    Female
    Near Southampton
    Oh Laura - I so wish my husband would say that, instead of being so unhappy all the time and crying when I visit. I think I would find it more bearable.

    Yes, Nan, I was thinking of you when i posted earlier and realising some of us can at least still visit our loved ones and should appreciate that. I'm so sorry - no, i won't go on, even I'm crying now. Should have known better than to post this on a Sunday. X
     
  5. muriel.elliott

    muriel.elliott Registered User

    Aug 21, 2010
    504
    Berkshire
    I am also on my own now. Having lost Bryan to this horrible desease nearly 5 months ago now.I am lucky in that i have a very supportive family and lots of good friends and of course everyone here on T>P. But i do still feel so alone sometimes. I find it does help to always keep busy. Even when i am watching T.V i am doing something with my hands. I make my own cards, also x stitch and knit. I can never just sit and do nothing atall. Also i do not like silence, have the t.v, radio or my music on all the time. From the time i wake in the morning to the time i put the light out.
    You are certainly not alone out there.
    Love and hugs Muriel xxx:confused:
     
  6. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    I think living alone has few highs and many lows.

    The highs are that you can completely please yourself what you do within your own home.

    The lows, well they are the empty feelings inside your stomach as though there is a gaping hole, and the pain will just not go away.

    xxTinaT
     
  7. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    Altz certainly is acomfort

    Thanks Danny I do appreciate what you are saying but I still have difficulty in comprehending the world of I.T. I'mworking on it Cheers John
     
  8. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    dear Loobiloo, I find this I,T.world so baffling but I feel to be so previleged to be in contact with people battling at the coalface of life such as yourself Love John


     
  9. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    When I read the various messages in response to my thread I scolded myself and said "John, count your blessings not your losses " I'm now going to watch my recording of "Songs of Praise" and I hope H'll join me love Johnx
     
  10. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    Thank you Danny!

    Cheers John
     
  11. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    Dear Nan A prevelege to be able to be in contact with people like yourself.

    ith
    Nan, I look at the world and can see that every thing depends on everything else behind it all is something beyond my comprehension.I manage to cope with each day, tomorrow will have to wait, a pleasure to be in contact with you Love JohnXX
     
  12. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    As I read the replies I find I am in contact with people I can relate to who can understand how I feel and care for me but just one comment a line in a poular song in the 60's" Little Sir Echo" I think it was called "But you're always so far away"

    Love to you all Johnxx
     
  13. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    1,039
    Hereford
    That's life

    Almost every day I'm in pain as I'm just now. I've come to accept my lot as the Lord's prayer says: "Thy will be done" and it shall. This is it for now. If I make 80 in a few weeks time I can't complain. After that we have little option but accept His will and make the best of it.
    I've lived a like that's full and have wonderful memories of living and working in Singapore, Middle East countries, Belgium, Holland and Germany.
    Best of all, I found the love of a wonderful woman who was my salvation and inspiration.
     
  14. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    Good for you Big Tom your circumstances are similar to mine I must cultivate your determination and get on with the task in hand. All the best ,John
     
  15. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    Dear Tina

    I have a strong faith which supports me but, the hard thing is, to keep the connection; Church does not always provide the answer.

    John x
     
  16. jimbo 111

    jimbo 111 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2009
    5,082
    North Bucks
    I have taken part in many discussions since I joined TP
    but this one leaves me in some doubt about my real feelings
    My first reaction to reading the thread was
    I must be qualified to answer this question
    My wife of 60years died 16 months ago I miss her terribly , she is in my thoughts
    so many times every day , and sometimes during the night,
    But in answer to the question I surprisingly said Yes
    How could I possibly think this when I still live in OUR house , Her clothes are still untouched in the wardrobe her persona belongings still remain in her bedside
    dressing table, I still sleep in the bed we shared for so long
    So I had to think again Did I really mean that I have got used to being on my own ?????
    I still come to the same answer Yes
    I would not wish to share my living space with anyone else I much prefer my own company , and I am used to lonely meals , lonely evenings etc
    I do not dwell on the lasting physical memories that surround me, ,but I am gradualy coming round to accepting them. I will not remove thimgs like pictures , ornaments etc that were my wifes choices
    I suspect many people will think I am living in a queer time warp ,or that I am morbid but they do not bother me
    All these physical things are part of what was our life , I am content to continue living in what was and still is my part of our life .
    I am still confused though,
    The main thing that came out of my "self assessment" was rather surprising
    I suddenly became aware , as far as I know , for the first time , that "being on your own" was not the prerogative of widows /widowers , but as is the case of so many onTP that your partner is in a care home permanently
    I was spared that problem because I was able to care for my wife at home ,apart from the spells when she was in hospital
    It made me think hard What would I feel like answering this question if my wife was pemanantly in care and I was on my own?????
    I dread to think of the terrible loneliness you must feel ,knowing that your wife/ husband is parted from you ,living a life that seperates you , and gradually losing recognition of you.
    I truly believe that I would rather have my own circumstances than bear as you have to the loneliness of your seperation
    But I cannot surely mean that I am glad my wife died rather than seperated from me in a care home
    That is what I meant at the beginning of this post about my real feelings
    I have become more conscious of the problem faced by goodnight sienna and all those of you who are in similar circumstances, So much so that I do not feel qualified to answer in your circumstances , but I do feel for you.
    jimbo 111
     
  17. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,497
    Female
    Near Southampton
    Your post was a lovely testimony to your love for your wife and why shouldn't you live in a time warp it that is how you are comfortable - with your wife's possssions all around you. i think that is lovely.

    As one of the people you mentioned as living alone because my husband is having to "live" in a nursing home - I use the word live loosely because I think his life there has little connection to "living" - it is possessions which upset me the most, clothes especially - a drawer full of scarves and gloves he has no further need for, an overcoat, suits - the one I bought for his 70th birthday 3 years ago and worn once - and all his books he can no longer read. Bits and pieces he has bought over the years which now have no meaning to him, his bowls trophies and woods, he played Crown bowls for over 40 years. They are all here, but he will never see them again.

    Tears fill my eyes when I go to the supermarket - how ridiculous does that make me feel ! - because of all his favourite food I see but no longer buy as he is not home to eat it.

    Changes I make in the house which I cannot even tell him about because he won't remember it as before and anyway I avoid talk of home lest he start to cry.

    So, Jim, it is a case of being cast adrift in a sort of half-life and the loneliness can hurt like hell. But - he is still here - and for you to say your life is somehow better is extremely unselfish of you. Or is it perhaps because there is a kind of acceptance in your lonesomeness whereas, judging from my own feelings and those of others on TP that acceptance is missing.

    Thank you for your words of comfort. with love X
     
  18. goodnightsienna

    goodnightsienna Registered User

    A trip to Manchester

    Today I decided to go on the train to Manchester,I usually meet my daughter but it was a great granchild's birthday so I went on my own.I must say I felt more lonely than ever amongst the crowds,so I got the train back,then went a walk past the farm and along the country lanes,I seemed to be part of nature,I certainly didn't feel lonely,
    Am I going strange?
     
  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,542
    Kent
    Not at all. You are just trying to make the best of what life has given you.
     
  20. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    Life isn't throwing much my way to make the best of it! It's no less stressful than for almost a year now.

    I don't mean to sound pitiful, so many on TP have been through this, are living it. A split marriage, at home alone, husband or wife in a care home. Never ending things to be dealt with. I tell myself it takes time to adjust, but I seem to be going backwards.

    At my age life is supposed to slow down, but I cannot keep up with it! I think I am going strange!

    Now I'm even talking to myself - and not only in the house!! On Friday I was talking to myself, aloud, all the way from the house to the car, parked some distance away, all the way driving to the care home, all the way walking up the drive to the entrance! :eek::eek::eek:

    At least I can still laugh! :D But not when wandering about outside while talking to myself! :rolleyes::eek:

    Seriously, it is not easy, is it. But we get through it, one day and night at a time, each in our own way.

    We also have TP and it is the only place we can voice such things, and I say yet again that I do not know how I would have got through the last 17 months without all of you. The years before then were lonely, and isolating, but in a different way.

    My thoughts are often with you. I do count my blessings that although alone, I do still have my husband be he some mles away, despite dementia stealing him away bit by bit, whereas others have suffered both this and the ultimate loss.

    Love
    Loo xx
     

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