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Do we or don’t we.........

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
32
0
looking for some suggestions here. My brother and I care for our mum who on top of many illnesses has vascular dementia. Was diagnosed 12months ago and we are in a period of diminishing changes😞 in her health.
we have a niece who rings most days. The said niece is the daughter of another brother whose family have walked away from mum on n every way: no care nor contact 😞. This other brother passed away at the beginning of the year with pancreatic cancer. At this point in our relationship with him and his family we were told not to attend the funeral ( threatened with violence if we did: police aware) and that was that! No contact since. There is a lot of ill feeling from this family and a lot that I won’t divulge as it’s family stuff and involves accusations ( one being that I was responsible for my brother dying of pancreatic cancer and my SIL accused me of abusing my mum and we had to deal with that as an official issue.
However, going back to the niece ( one of 3 siblings from the family who have no contact with their grandma). She can be as nice as pie on the phone sometimes but occasionally has a rant at mum ( her grandma). It’s sad to hear and we have had to put safeguarding measures in place because of her behaviour. This is sad but mum is our priority. This family do not know mum has vascular dementia. Mum, at the diagnosis, specifically asked us not to tell them.
But Mum is getting worse.
Should we tell this niece about the dementia or just leave it? Thankyou
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,106
0
High Peak
Yes, you must tell her. You don't want her upsetting your mum with her rants.

People diagnosed with dementia often say 'don't tell anyone' if they have enough awareness which is very sad as it suggests they are ashamed in some way. But sometimes it's far more helpful for the person with dementia if others around them know.
 

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
32
0
Yes, you must tell her. You don't want her upsetting your mum with her rants.

People diagnosed with dementia often say 'don't tell anyone' if they have enough awareness which is very sad as it suggests they are ashamed in some way. But sometimes it's far more helpful for the person with dementia if others around them know.
Thank you for that. Yes, we agree but it’s only this family that mum doesn’t want them to know ( is that correct grammatically?)
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,248
0
South East
I’m torn on this , one part of me says absolutely tell her so she can moderate her behaviour (the niece )if your mum has other health issues why would she rant at her anyway , the other half says stick with your Mums wishes , plus they aren’t interested so why bother anyway . Difficult one , hopefully others will be along with opinions soon .
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,373
0
The ones who should'nt know, will get to know. This will cause difficulties, "Why wasn't I told!!"
My advice would be to tell everyone, the same thing, at the same time.
This must be factually correct, giving the full diagnostic wording, and source. "Alzheimer's Dementia, by
hospital consultant" to allow any checking up of facts to be done.
Expect there to be questions, denials, and accusations.

Bod.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,833
0
66
Toronto, Canada
That is difficult. Would it be possible to speak to your niece and tell her not to upset her grandmother? Surely there is no reason for the niece to rant at her. Why is she calling, if that branch of the family is estranged from you?

Worst case scenario, perhaps you might have to get her phone number blocked or even change your mother's number.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,852
0
Southampton
we have a problem within my four children. some dont speak to others and one doesnt want to know but i did tell all of them at the same time in the same way with the same words. i did the same when i was granted POA. its up to them what they do but they are all his children even the first one which is mine from before was told exactly the same. im not having arguments who was told/not told given the opportunity the help or choose not to. i considered it my responsibility to share it as he was not in a position to take on that kind of role while dealing with the diagnosis as well
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,313
0
South coast
There is obviously a bit of you that feels that the neice aught to be told, despite your mums wishes. I too am wondering why she is calling and why she is ranting at your mum. Is the ranting because your mum is not responding as the niece is expecting? Is this the reason that you wish to tell her?
 

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
32
0

A
I’m torn on this , one part of me says absolutely tell her so she can moderate her behaviour (the niece )if your mum has other health issues why would she rant at her anyway , the other half says stick with your Mums wishes , plus they aren’t interested so why bother anyway . Difficult one , hopefully others will be along with opinions soon .
Thankyou. Yes. Difficult. We have tried many ways to curb her rants. But she cannot be stopped. We have tried speaking with her but she goes into overdrive.
 

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
32
0
There is obviously a bit of you that feels that the neice aught to be told, despite your mums wishes. I too am wondering why she is calling and why she is ranting at your mum. Is the ranting because your mum is not responding as the niece is expecting? Is this the reason that you wish to tell her?
Thankyou. Mum is wanting not to cause trouble. She wants us to leave it be which we do. But......
We cannot block her calls as she will then come down and make it more difficult. We know what they have done in the past and what this horrid ( there, I’ve said it. Am not into her said she said mentality) family are capable of. It’s a difficult one to solve. 😞
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
547
0
A point not yet made is that if you don't tell her she is going to find out the hard way eventually anyway. Dementia cannot be hidden for ever. So if she is going to find out she might as well know now.
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
64
0
i had to take mum to ireland last year, december, to see her family, she was shocked by her alzheimer’s diagnosis in april and barely understood it herself. she didn’t want them to know.
only once we were in ireland i told them, and the day after, mum asked me to tell them.

what i’m saying is that you’ll know when it’s right, and your mum may not be able to make decisions now but she’ll agree with your choices based on the changing situations.

just make sure YOU have power of attorney etc before you tell them. if she has asked you to look after her, and make the decisions, then don’t let that be taken away.

good luck with the journey. protecting your mum is not only important for her, it will lower your stress levels and be better for you not to be in a fight with the family. as carers you have to take care of yourself too.
 
Last edited:

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
32
0
i had to take mum to ireland last year, december, to see her family, she was shocked by her alzheimer’s diagnosis in april and barely understood it herself. she didn’t want them to know.
only once we were in ireland i told them, and the day after, mum asked me to tell them.

what i’m saying is that you’ll know when it’s right, and your mum may not be able to make decisions now but she’ll agree with your choices based on the changing situations.

just make sure YOU have power of attorney etc before you tell them. if she has asked you to look after her, and make the decisions, then don’t let that be taken away.

good luck with the journey. protecting your mum is not only important for her, it will lower your stress levels and be better for you not to be in a fight with the family. as carers you have to take care of yourself too.
Thankyou. Yes, I think this is where we were going with our dilemma. And yes, POA’s were already set up many years ago. Many people have offered us amazing thought provoking suggestions in this forum and we have appreciated everything they have offered. 🙏🏼
 

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
32
0
That is difficult. Would it be possible to speak to your niece and tell her not to upset her grandmother? Surely there is no reason for the niece to rant at her. Why is she calling, if that branch of the family is estranged from you?

Worst case scenario, perhaps you might have to get her phone number blocked or even change your mother's number.
Thankyou. Wish it could be that easy. We cannot block her as she would come down to mums and make it worse. We have tried to reason with her but she gets so vocal which then upsets mum. We did ask her that if she had issues with us please note to go to mum with those issues. What did she do? Phoned mum and had a rant. Sometimes mum just lets it waft over her but at other times she gets anxious. The nature of the ‘beast’ ( as we call it) 🥴😞
 

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