Do i warn estranged family could be dad's last Christmas

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by exhausted 2015, Dec 14, 2015.

  1. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    To cut a long story short I have cared for my dad for 7 1/2 years 24/7 even before we got the mixed dementia diagnosis my sil and niece have hardly seen dad but they turned up when dad came out of hospital in June this year following an hip fracture I was extremely worn out so did not take much to set me off but when they started telling me what to do and what I should be doing I gave them both barrels they are not the ones who are up during the night with him and think they would pass out if they had to wash him when he has soiled himself and as you all know the list is endless anyway they walked out and not been near since... So now I'm wondering whether to tell them to put their dummies back in this Christmas and come to see him because I think this will be dad's last Christmas.. But on the other hand I shouldn't have to point this out to them should I?? What do you good people on here think.. Best wishes exhausted 2015 xx
     
  2. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,603
    West Midlands
    My thoughts
    For goodness sake woman stop worrying about it. It's their choice whether they see him or not, it's NOT your responsibility to "look after" them. To keep them up to speed.

    My kinder nicer thoughts are
    Yeah I know what you mean. You get "helped" with such useless support you blow your top... and "they" punish you, therefore "they" punish dad..... But if they couldn't see it then, what makes you think they will see it now.....

    It's your guilt monster talking. Making you think this way..... And as we know, guilt monsters don't deserve a thought and only get room if you give them some..... So don't

    Yeah I know..... Easy typed, hard to do....

    Hugs xx








    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  3. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    I echo 2jays. You're not responsible for them. In any case, would their visit give your father any pleasure at all or would he prefer a quiet routine?
     
  4. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    Frankly, I don't know what this has to do with Christmas?
    If they want to see your dad they will come to see him.
    You have enough on your plate, Exhausted, without falling for the sentimental hype that implies that families should get together at Christmas, and all will be well.
    Just concentrate on your dad and yourself, you don't need any further stress from relatives.
     
  5. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    I think you are fantastic by the way - all those years of consistent caring. I agree with the others. My only motivation for ever giving them information at all would be if I thought it would make a really positive difference to my loved one - if not i would put up the proverbial two fingers and ignore the lot :)
     
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    You could send them an email and mention that you think this could be your dads last Christmas and then what they do is up to them.....
     
  7. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    Thanks all!!

    I think the general opinion is that they shouldn't need telling and to be honest I don't think dad would be aware that they weren't here... Not wanting to blow my own trumpet but I am the only one he asks for day and night "are you there gill " is what I hear, I just feel that I have a responsibility to let them know after all it was my tongue lashing that sent them fleeing with my brother behind them.. But he is ok and does pop in occasionally to see him. Well it is their loss if they don't see him again.. So childish and spoilt xx
     
  8. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    I agree with the others, it's not up to you

    If your brother sees Dad regularly, then surely he would tell them, then its up to them to make their own decision. No guilt, it's not necessary.
     
  9. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    Yes you are right... But I'm wondering if they are apprehensive about coming to my home to see him but if they cared they would bite the bullet wouldn't they.. I suppose it's just me being sentimental about the season.. I'll plod on regardless.. Thank you xx
     
  10. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    It's understandable that you think like that exhausted2015, but IMO you should concentrate on you and your Dad and putting your lovely plans into place. You are making happy memories and do not need them to be spoilt by tension and bad feeling.

    Heidi xx
     
  11. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    Quite right Heidi xx after all they know where I live!! vv
     
  12. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    806
    North East
    I might go against the grain here but what I would do is listen to your gut. If YOU feel that if this does end up being his last Christmas and you don't make the effort, will you feel bad? If you think it will make no difference to how you feel then yes it's up to them.
    What I am trying, so very badly, to say is, what ever makes you feel better is what you should do xxx
     
  13. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    Hi susy thank you.. Yes I suppose I must do what makes me feel better after all I am the one caring for dad x I'm just all over the place with it at the moment.. But it will sort itself out I hope xx
     
  14. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,178
    Female
    Chester
    If you feel that maybe you were too harsh with the flea you gave them in their ear, then maybe mention to your brother that they are welcome to visit, ie offer a way out for them without having to say please come and see him?
     
  15. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    Well said JM.
     
  16. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    520
    Scotland

    I think this would be a good approach - they may or may not come to visit but they will never be able to say in the future that they didn't think they would be welcome.
     
  17. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    Hi jugglingmum, I am going to do just that, I don't regret the things that were said that day but am prepared to welcome them if they want to see dad, I will leave the ball in their court xx just hope that if they do visit their attitude will be better xx. Thanks everyone for their views it has helped me to choose how to deal with it. Xx best wishes exhausted 2015 xx
     
  18. Kitten71

    Kitten71 Registered User

    Jul 22, 2013
    157
    East Yorkshire
    I think if they took a moment to consider why they were subjected to a tongue lashing, then they would see that you are at the end of your tether with it all. Ultimately they are responsible for their own actions but I think the idea of sending an email saying you think this may be dad's last Christmas is a good one. You've told them the situation as you see it and the rest is up to them. Most of my family have no idea dad is even ill, if they were in touch regularly then they'd know. It's their conscience at the end of the day. Mine feels perfectly clear. I'm doing my best and quite frankly, I haven't got the time or the energy to keep people posted, except for my sister, who keeps in touch anyway. Don't let them guilt trip you. They have no idea what a fabulous but difficult job you are doing xx
     
  19. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    Hi kitten thank you, you are so right in all that you have said.. Best wishes exhausted xx
     
  20. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    #20 exhausted 2015, Dec 27, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2015
    Update on estranged relatives

    Just to let everyone know I did hold out the olive branch to my estranged family my brother came and I asked him to let my sil and niece know that I thought it would be dad's last Christmas and they were welcome to come and see him... My brother came Christmas eve.. But sil and niece have been no where near ... I just hope they can live with the guilt... Even my son made an effort Christmas day with his grandad and we have had some severe problems with him but he went up to him with presents Christmas morning and we sat with him helping him to open them and explaining which each one was.all in all we gave dad a good day, one to remember . Best wishes for the new year exhausted 2015 xx
     

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