1. saljak

    saljak Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    Hi, My husband has been having tests for the past 2 years, at first it was thought that he'd had a series of strokes, (which have been proven by M.R.I.'s), however it's now also been discovered that he's also suffering from Alzheimer's.
    The problem is, that although he's having difficulty accepting the stroke diagnosis, he definately couldn't/wouldn't accept the diagnosis of Alzheimers. Do patients eventually accept this diagnosis or is it better to let him believe that he's "only" had a series of strokes? Most times I feel that it would be kinder to let him believe in the original diagnosis but then at other times I think that perhaps I should tell him the truth. Please help! I'm struggling but I don't want my needs to affect his.
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I really think there is absolutely no point in trying to get him to accept any diagnosis. It won't make a difference to the outcome or the treatment and even if he does accept it now, he's likely to forget. You are making a rod for your own back and/or worrying unnecessarily. I understand that the habits of a lifetime can be hard to overcome (telling the truth) for example, but when it comes to dementia, you will probably have to get used to telling what is sometimes called on the forum "love lies": untruths that are necessary to allow you to jog along. For example, say he forgets his parents are dead. Do you tell him, over and over and over again that they are dead and allow him to feel the grief and distress over and over and over again, or do you say something like "Oh much the same as always"?
  3. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    Hi Saljak.
    As it seems your husband may not accept the diagnosis , I feel it would be kinder not to try and force the issue .
    Instead blame the strokes if/when he notices something is wrong , or if applicable his age .
    When my mum was in the later stages and having a moment of clarity, she sometimes asked me what was wrong with her, I just said, things like, your memory has got bad and the DR is giving you medicine to help . Mum was happy with that explanation
  4. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Another vote for no, if he accepts it and that's a big IF how many times a day might you need to remind him? I started of trying to have a discussion about it with my wife once and she went into total meltdown like you wouldn't believe then a few hours later had forgotten all about it. The only time she gets reminded these days is when a "healthcare professional" sometime casually thrown it in the conversation a move they sometimes regret, you would think they'd know better.
    I do understand you want to be honest with him but being honest when it only causes pain might be the least kind thing to do, so it's a call between kindness and honesty for me and I chose what I believe is the kindest option.
    If I got asked "Does my bum look big in this?" would I be honest or kind:D you decide.
  5. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello saljak welcome to talking point, if l were you l wouldn't tell your hubby he has Alzheimers, if it upsets him its not worth it, my hubby has no idea what it is, l just say you have memory loss he accepts that. Keep posting ☺
  6. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    North Somerset
    Agree. There is no point in upsetting him. He probably knows deep down as my OH did and is too terrified to acknowledge it.

    Sent from my GT-N5110
  7. 1954

    1954 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2013
    Agree, unfortunately I spent hours over weeks trying to 'discuss' with mil why she was with us and full explanations of scans etc! Of course it caused her great distress and she absolutely never believes it so now I only ever mention her condition to professionals when there is a need but her face has an evil look about it. She forgets in seconds thankfully

    It's easy to look back and wish I had done it differently but this wretched condition takes a lot of learning about and thankfully we have talking point to learn a lot and share, of course the information/insight from those who have some form of dementia is an absolute God send to me
  8. Sammyjo1

    Sammyjo1 Registered User

    Jul 8, 2014
    I just wanted to put forward the other view in that my OH knows he has Alzheimers but I am lucky in that he isn't in denial and can talk about it and all the issues around it. It helps him to be able to talk about his fears and worries and it helps me to sometimes be able to joke with him rather than feeling irritated.

    I think it very much depends on the character of the people involved and each individual will react differently. So in a lot of cases keeping silent is probably the right thing, but there are times when it is easier for it to be talked about.

    As with dementia, there's probably never a right or a wrong answer - it's very much trial and error.

    I do hope things get easier for you.
  9. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    near Folkestone
    I agree with you sammyjo, my husband also knows he has AD and Vascular dementia! We do talk things through and joke as well! It's helps us to adjust . Sometimes I do wish he wasn't that aware as he can get frustrated at times but he would hate not knowing or me keeping things away from him . Like you said everyone is different and in the future that might have to change

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  10. tomgee3425

    tomgee3425 Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    Negombo Sri Lanka
    I tried to tell my wife but she became very agitated and gave me the evil eye. I now try to steer clear of the subject. For peace of mind (what am I saying, who gets peace with this wretched disease?) a little white lie or avoidance of the subject helps me.
  11. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    I'm coming in on the side of telling and discussing BUT totally agree it depends on the person. I can't imagine husband not knowing about his illness. We talk about it, not all the time, and we face it together. He doesn't want to think about the future but then neither do I really. Except for me, there is some planning ahead. Husband is open with family, friends and even people we meet about his illness. As we always say, everyone is different.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

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