I have not posted here since the middle of 2005. Thank you to everyone who spoke to me then, I notice that some of you are still present on this site.
Since then my Mum's dementia has got worse and we have recently moved her and my stepfather to a different care home nearer to me with a specialist dementia unit.
He had a stroke some years ago and is in a wheelchair, incontinent and needs continual care, she is the one with dementia and they have been given a double room with its own little lounge so that they can stay together. They have been there about a month now.
It is a really nice place, there are more opportunities for Mum to have some social interaction and more things to keep her occupied. I doubt whether we could find anywhere more suitable but they both keep asking to "go home". They have not lived at home for over a year and we have cleared the house and it is currently up for sale. She seems to have forgotten the bit in between where they were at a different home, he is more aware but follows her lead in this. However much we tell them that this is not a possibility (and why - which Mum does not accept! She was always absent-minded!) we know she will not remember and will ask again the next time we see her. She is unable to retain information of any kind.
She hasn't quite forgotten who we are (brother, stepbrother, me, my partner and my son and his daughter are who the ones she sees the most often) but she does get the relationships a bit confused - she has thought at different times that my son is my partner and that my brother and I are a couple and who's children are who's and she asked where her mother is (she died years ago) and so on. We did give her family photos to put up but unfortunately she tore them all up over a period of time before she could be prevented.
What I am building up to ask is one of the reasons that we moved her closer to me - although she never remembers when she last saw you even if it was only a few hours ago - was because I have not been able to drive over to visit them very often since the end of last year, because I was diagnosed with breast cancer last November and have been undergoing treatment ever since. Whilst I can't visit all the time, I can see her more often now.
We have been telling her that I have been ill and as she never remembers being told that before it is a fresh illness each time. I have lost my hair with the chemotherapy and I always wear my wig (which I hate!) when I visit, ever since she asked to try and my hat on and wanted to take it off me! BUT it is very hard not telling your own mother something like this - in her old incarnation she would have been very supportive and over the years has been great when I went through divorce and was a single parent for years. Or is that selfish and I would be telling her for my own benefit?
She imagines a lot of things which become quite important to her but aren't true and often include an anxiety factor that someone has died or that one of us or her are going to get into trouble for something that she has done. None of this ever has any basis in reality - I have been reading about delusions with dementia, but we wonder if it comes from something that she has picked up from the TV or heard or has dreamt.
We were advised by the staff at the previous home that it was not worth telling her for all of the above reasons - she may not remember anyway or remember imperfectly and make it into something that it isn't in her imagination. But I still don't know.
Any advice???
Since then my Mum's dementia has got worse and we have recently moved her and my stepfather to a different care home nearer to me with a specialist dementia unit.
He had a stroke some years ago and is in a wheelchair, incontinent and needs continual care, she is the one with dementia and they have been given a double room with its own little lounge so that they can stay together. They have been there about a month now.
It is a really nice place, there are more opportunities for Mum to have some social interaction and more things to keep her occupied. I doubt whether we could find anywhere more suitable but they both keep asking to "go home". They have not lived at home for over a year and we have cleared the house and it is currently up for sale. She seems to have forgotten the bit in between where they were at a different home, he is more aware but follows her lead in this. However much we tell them that this is not a possibility (and why - which Mum does not accept! She was always absent-minded!) we know she will not remember and will ask again the next time we see her. She is unable to retain information of any kind.
She hasn't quite forgotten who we are (brother, stepbrother, me, my partner and my son and his daughter are who the ones she sees the most often) but she does get the relationships a bit confused - she has thought at different times that my son is my partner and that my brother and I are a couple and who's children are who's and she asked where her mother is (she died years ago) and so on. We did give her family photos to put up but unfortunately she tore them all up over a period of time before she could be prevented.
What I am building up to ask is one of the reasons that we moved her closer to me - although she never remembers when she last saw you even if it was only a few hours ago - was because I have not been able to drive over to visit them very often since the end of last year, because I was diagnosed with breast cancer last November and have been undergoing treatment ever since. Whilst I can't visit all the time, I can see her more often now.
We have been telling her that I have been ill and as she never remembers being told that before it is a fresh illness each time. I have lost my hair with the chemotherapy and I always wear my wig (which I hate!) when I visit, ever since she asked to try and my hat on and wanted to take it off me! BUT it is very hard not telling your own mother something like this - in her old incarnation she would have been very supportive and over the years has been great when I went through divorce and was a single parent for years. Or is that selfish and I would be telling her for my own benefit?
She imagines a lot of things which become quite important to her but aren't true and often include an anxiety factor that someone has died or that one of us or her are going to get into trouble for something that she has done. None of this ever has any basis in reality - I have been reading about delusions with dementia, but we wonder if it comes from something that she has picked up from the TV or heard or has dreamt.
We were advised by the staff at the previous home that it was not worth telling her for all of the above reasons - she may not remember anyway or remember imperfectly and make it into something that it isn't in her imagination. But I still don't know.
Any advice???
...... is that there most probably isn't a Right Answer - there's pros and cons to all options, and no ideal solution. I also suspect that when were dealing with a mental condition that varies and deteriorates, what is 'right' can change from day to day.
