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Do I show mum the restbite home or not

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Kittycatsam, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. Kittycatsam

    Kittycatsam Registered User

    Jun 13, 2019
    16
    At the end of my tether so have been to look at several homes for a restbite period, do I show mum before she goes in or just tell her a few days before. She is going to go mad which ever, any advice.
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,861
    Female
    Scotland
    Depends on the person. I took my husband with me when I was looking at care homes but he doesn’t think things through so wasn’t fully aware what it was all about. When he is in respite I put an A4 notice taped to his wardrobe with the date I will be back to get him and he seems OK with that.
     
  3. Kittycatsam

    Kittycatsam Registered User

    Jun 13, 2019
    16
     
  4. Kittycatsam

    Kittycatsam Registered User

    Jun 13, 2019
    16
    I wish my mum was a bit calmer, every day a battle from morning to night, sweet as anything when we are out but very upsetting when we are at home, constant hiding things and accusing me of keeping her a prisoner in her own home, and stealing all her money, sad thing is we are out every day somewhere, she’s 95 but still thinks she’s 60.
     
  5. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,036
    When my mother-in-law went into full-time care my husband and I did not discuss it with her or go and show her beforehand. It was a slightly different situation as she was in hospital at the time but we just organised it and then told her the day before this was happening. As far as she was concerned there was nothing wrong with her and she would have refused pointblank to go in a home but the situation was that we had reached crisis point and there was no choice.
     
  6. Kittycatsam

    Kittycatsam Registered User

    Jun 13, 2019
    16
    Thank you for your reply, I think I will wait a while, I have a friend and she had the same situation as yours, easier straight from hospital.
     
  7. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    134
    Hi
    My sister and I are starting to look at care homes, possibly for the Autumn as we are finding the prospect of supporting mum at home, whilst she is starting to deteriorate further with personal care and mobility, too daunting.
    We know that mum isn't going to accept this, she will be self funding and we have both POA for finance and health, so are hoping we can just organise it ourselves without going through SS. We really don't know how we will manage the actual move, without her just refusing to go!
     
  8. Kittycatsam

    Kittycatsam Registered User

    Jun 13, 2019
    16
     
  9. Kittycatsam

    Kittycatsam Registered User

    Jun 13, 2019
    16
    Unfortunately I think we will be in for a rough ride, but mum does go to a dementia group twice a week, she tells everybody it is a painting group, as she is a good artist, I do laugh every time I drop her off the Alzheimer’s sign must be 8 ft at least above the door, it’s a fantastic break for me, 2 days 10till 4. Hope all goes well for you.
     
  10. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,296
    SW London
    My mother was the same - nothing whatever wrong with her, she'd have refused to leave the house. However the need for 24/7 care had become urgent. We didn't discuss it with her at all - no,poimt. A bag with immediate needs was surreptitiously packed the night before and we then went 'out for lunch' at the care home - they had advised arriving for lunchtime.

    It's a measure of how bad she was then that my mother didn't realise it was a care home - you'd have thought it so obvious - but she really thought their dining room was a restaurant.

    I will admit that I was too chicken later to tell her she was staying - my sister undertook that.
    We brought more of her things soon afterwards.
    She was self funded and we didn't involve social services at all, except that I think there was a short box-ticking visit from a SW, arranged by the care home, but it was more or less a formality.
     
  11. Kittycatsam

    Kittycatsam Registered User

    Jun 13, 2019
    16
    Thanks for your Post, gives you hope when you hear that other people have the same problems. I personally think mum would love it eventually, she seems to get very lonely as soon as I go to my flat upstairs, then the banging on the door starts, it may only be 1/2 an hour later, my son has suggested music on constant replay. OMG
     
  12. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    134
    We all seem to have the same problem, it's good to hear from others who are going through this and tale comfort it can be resolved. Thank you Kittycatsam and Witzend for your help.
     
  13. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    142
    My 90 YO MIL has recently come out of hospital. Needs 24/7 care which she is self funding. She has a lovely young woman, from an agency, living with her who she is keeping up all night with her demands. She goes to bed, wants to get up, cries until her carer weakens and ends up sitting with her, she’s now exhausted! I’ve told her she must be more assertive to MIL as she needs her rest too. Last night the poor girl ended trying to sleep on the sofa to keep MIL safe. She complains she’s bored and lonely and that’s why she can’t sleep. When the carer took her two hour afternoon break, MIL started wanting toilet assistance, cup of tea etc etc. So, we’ve had to arrange for a relief carer to cover that session!

    We made the mistake of discussing care homes with her and now I could weep. She’s told a visiting nurse, the chiropodist and the manager of the care company that we are ‘forcing’ her to go into a home. Apparently, because of this, a report has now been filed that we are putting her under undue pressure. We are also having to contend with my mother who lives alone some distance away with early stage Alzheimer’s, who is also very contrary and calls with unreasonable demands and threats. She’s also accused me of keeping her as a prisoner in her own home although I can’t and haven’t stopped her doing anything!

    We’re both only children and luckily can talk to and support each other but we’re getting to the stage ourselves that we just want to walk away and let the authorities step in. Sorry to moan but we’ve done so much to help the two of them. Put so much in place, which if we hadn’t, would have resulted in both of them being in care long ago.
     
  14. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    719
    Male
    North West
    I have being trying not to answer this because I have mixed feelings about it both for mum and myself.

    What I will say is this:

    I hadn't personally been able to cross the bridge of any 24/7 care either respite or permanent care for sometime and neither had mum. She has always blatently refused, even before her capacity went down hill. Round about 4 weeks ago I took a step I never thought both of us would take, let alone one of us. I took her to see a care home -yes me and mum did that (I'm still in shock), but as we walked round I asked mum if she would be ok to live there, even if that meant I couldn't go with her, she said yes, she'd be ok even though I wouldn't be there anymore. I was shocked, but to be honest mum is at a point where she is on the verge of needing somewhere better than what I can provide as sad as that maybe. Before I took mum one of the dementia eablement care workers took her, but because she wasn't with a familiar face she was very negative, but when I took her that changed to a postive outlook.

    Its very difficut to know how someone will react, but speaking for myself I am glad I took mum myself in the end, if nothing else to see how she was honestly with me -sorry I can't give you a whole answer
     
  15. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,576
    Female
    South coast
    (((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) @Palerider
    Its a hard thing to admit.
     
  16. silkiest

    silkiest Registered User

    Feb 9, 2017
    68
    I think the worst thing is the fear beforehand, not knowing how the PWD will react. They quickly forget any disagreements but it sticks with us and causes anxiety for the next time. From what I have read and seen it can often turn out better than we fear as the new reality quickly becomes the pwd's normal. My brothers father in law had to go into respite care due to a family emergency and was not happy ,but within a few days the home was his hotel that he had built himself (he was a builder as a young man) and when he moved on he told my brother to sell the place for him.
    I wish I could take my own advice and not worry too much but looking at care homes for my MIL has made me feel anxious and stressed.
     

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