Do I have a right to be angry????

[clarethebear]

As some of you will know, my Nanna passed away on Friday morning. I will tell you some of the back ground between myself and my Nanna. And I will say sorry now for going on.

My son was born just over 3 years ago, the day my Nanna came to the hospital to see him for the first time. She stepped round the curtain and to me look just like a young girl on Christmas morning. The memory will never leave me. After the birth of my son (who is named after my late grandad) my Nanna and I became very close. My son was in hospital at 14 months old and ended up in I.C.U., he thankfully pulled through. This brought myself and my Nanna even closer as my Nanna had lost a child at a young age.

Since giving up work, I have spent a lot of time with my Nanna. My son and I would go over at least twice a week with my mum to help my Nanna with the house and garden.

My mum and uncle became worried about my Nanna just before last Christmas, as she lived on her own. The only answer they could find for this was for me to move in with my Nanna. I said that I as looking after a disabled child was a full time job and I would not be able to give my Nanna the care she would need. I still stand by the choice I made, and I know my Nanna would understand I did what I thought was right.

My Nanna went into a home at the begining of the year as she was not able to look after herself and was becoming a danger to herself. Myself and my son went to see my Nanna in the home 2/3 times a week. Or whenever we were passing and my son asked to go and see her.

A few months ago when talking to my sister, my sister said I was like our Nanna's living angel (which I thought was really nice). I took on the role of my Nanna's main family carer although she was in a home.

Anyway my mum goes on holiday tomorrow for a week, so they where going to hold the funeral off until a week Wednesday. However a week Wednesday my cousin has work commitments so it has now been put off till a week Thursday (sounds a bit like booking a dental appointment).

Anyway the point to all this is, I asked my mum earlier how many family cars they had booked for the day. The answer came as 1, the rest of us have to make our own way. I feel as if I'v now been thrown to the side as my job is now over now my Nanna has passed.

While looking after my son I have supported both my mum and uncle during this hard time and cared for my Nanna as much as I have been able. I know it is a hard time for us all but I feel no one is thinking of how I am feeling (apart from my sister who is the best in the world). While everyone else has been making excuses on not visiting and travelling around the world on holidays, I have been there no matter what. And now they are throwing me away with the rest of the rubbish.

So sorry for going on but I did warn you all. I just feel so hurt and alone.

Take Care
Clare

 

[Skye]

Clare, love, I know you're hurting. In fact, the whole family is hurting.

Can you talk about this? How does your sister feel about it?

Could the two of you talk to your mum about this? Say that you would really like to travel with the rest of the family to the funeral, to be included in the chief mourners? Tell her how much your nanna meant to you, and you feel hurt to be excluded? There's still time to order another car.

Try not to be angry, although I know that's hard. You're such a caring young lady, and this is such a hard time for you.

Please try, I know how much it means to you.

Love,

 

[connie]

Dear Clare, once again I have no definitative answer for you.

Of course you can be as angry as you like, if you think it helps. I think you have been treated somewhat unfairly, but you cannot make people conform. You are only in charge of yourself.

You post:

I just feel so hurt and alone.

Clare dear, cannot heal the hurt, but with us on TP supporting you, you will not be alone. Take care now,

 

[Ethel Joan]

Hi Clarethebear
So sorry to hear about your Nanna, everyone should have a caring relative like you.

I had a similar history to you but instead of my Nan it was my husbands Nan who we both cared for at the end, we cared for her without much help from her own children for the last 12 months of her life, both day and night.

However the point I thought you may find of interest is that when we had to arrange Nan's funeral it cost no more to have two cars to follow than just to have one. Perhaps you could check with the funeral director that is arranging your Nanna's funeral, if it's no extra cost it may not rock the boat with your Mom and her Siblings.

My thoughts are with you

Regards Jay

 

[elaineo2]

Dear clarethebear.

Understandably you feel cheated of the honour to follow your nana to her resting place after what you have done.Don't despair,this happened in my family a few years ago,2 sons out of 7 did all the running around and visiting and the eldeset took over when the time came.He and his family were in the first car,19 other cars followed behind,each and every one of them proud to be attending my nans funeral.No matter where you are in the "line up",you know what you have done for nanna and so does nanna.As hurt as you may feel,the love you gave can outweigh it.Chin up babe.love elainex

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Claire,

Relatives sometimes don't think, when they are going through their own grief and coping with the practical aspects of a funeral to organise. Listen, love, you know what you meant to your Nanna, other relatives might not quite appreciate it. You know you are not rubbish, you know you were valued by her. Go to the funeral knowing that. Never mind what car you go in. Some families do use the car for very immediate relatives, and don't think about a second car. I am sure everyone knows what you did for your Nanna, anyway, your Nanna did. That is where your memory should be.

I've been to quite a few funerals, both family and non-family, where no-one really knew what role I played in the deceased person's last days/weeks/months, and you just have to accept that that is your own private success.

I have done things for dying people that have not even been known by the relatives, such as sitting with a friend while he received he last rites as a Catholic, before he died two hours later. I never told anyone about it. That was really important to me, as I prayed along with the priest. At the funeral, I was just a bog standard mourner. But in my heart, I know he was glad I was with him, and in your heart, you know your Nanna knew you were there. Never mind what happens on the day of the funeral, be there for your Nanna, and know you did it right.

Much love

Margaret

 

[Taffy]

I asked my mum earlier how many family cars they had booked for the day. The answer came as 1, the rest of us have to make our own way. I feel as if I'v now been thrown to the side as my job is now over now my Nanna has passed.

Dear Clare, do you think that your mum even realises how you are feeling? What I'm asking, does your mum know that you would like to travel in a family car. Sometimes Clare, in grief our judgement is clouded.

If you have asked, and been refused, than I think it is unjust and I am sorry that it has happened to you. Hopefully, it is just an oversight.

Caring Thoughts. Taffy.

 

[sue38]

Hi Clare,

I'm sorry to hear about your Nanna's passing. Please accept my sympathies.

I agree with the other posts that this may have been an oversight on the part of your Mum and uncle, or an attempt to be practical and save costs. Grief does funny things to people and they may not have been thinking about how this would make you feel.

Whatever the reasons, no one can take away the bond you had with your Nanna which perhaps only the two of you (and your sister) really knew about. What you did for her in life is the most important thing. Focus on that and don't worry what other people think.

 

[clarethebear]

Hi All

Thanks for your words. I think I was just a bit hurt and needed to get it out of my system. I have talked things over with my mum (before she went on holiday yesterday) and you were right, she didn't realise just how it had affected me. Once again your all right, why should I mind what car I go in I was there for my Nanna when she needed me most.

We all react differently at the time of a death. I will cope in my own way and they will their's. I have been asked to do a reading at the funeral and just hope I can make my Nanna proud of me for the last time.

Anyway I have something else to keep me busy now lol. Both myself and my son are ill at the moment, however my son has a bad chest infection which can be serious with his medical problems. So once again I'm carer 24/7 and I'd have it no other way.

I hope you are all keeping well, and once again thank you for your support.

Take Care
Clare

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Clare.
Firstly, I am so sorry about the passing of yourGrandmother.
I wish you and you son a speedy get well.
Best wishes. christine

 

[elaineo2]

Take care of yourself and your son.Hope you both feel better soon.love elainex