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Do I feel Happy or Sad?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by honeybears, Jun 10, 2015.

  1. honeybears

    honeybears Registered User

    Oct 18, 2014
    We moved Mum into residential care in August last year and it took her over 6 months to settle - she went through every type of mood and behaviour you could imagine and I thought she would never settle and worried that maybe she would never settle anywhere that wasn't home. The care home had always told me that Mum never asked to go home and when Mum was having one of her better days she would ask me 'where does your Dad live' but she never asked where she use to live.
    Last week, Mum finally referred to the Care Home as where she lives, promptly followed by 'but I used to live at 'xxxxx' which was the address where she grew up and where her memory seems to have taken her back to.
    I was so surprised to hear her refer to the Care Home as where she lives because she has never referred to the Care Home in that way before.
    For a moment I felt re-assured, but after a few moments I felt sad that she had no recollection of her life before the Care Home and all she does remember is where she grew up some 70 odd years ago.
    It feels like Mum belongs to the Care Home now - they are with her 24 hours a day and probably know more about her now than I ever will - I almost felt alittle jealous that although she recognises me when I go to visit, if I didn't visit would she miss me now she is in the routine of the Care Home with people who know her ever developing likes and dislikes, mood changes - everything that is associated with Dementia - so as I say do I feel happy that she thinks of the Care Home as where she lives, or do I feel sad that somehow I have lost her just a little bit :(
  2. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    I understand completely how you feel. My Mum is also in a care home. She settled from the first day. The first time I visited her she said she was very happy and liked it. I went to the car to get some of her things and sat and cried. I cried with relief that she was happy and with sadness because it make me realise how much of her was gone. She does not remember home anymore either. 46 years of family life erased. Its heart breaking. I guess I now keep the memories safe for her. This is such a terrible disease.

    Try to see the positive because there is nothing we can do about the negatives. I feel your pain.
    Love Quilty
  3. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    I feel exactly the same. Mum has been in care since January. Yesterday she asked me if she lived there. I said yes and was it ok. She said it was alright. Just wish I could bring her home to live with me ....Its her birthday at the end of this month and I asked her if she wanted to go out. She didn't know and would think about it! She doesn't seem particularly happy when she's there but she never wants to come out. It is so hard.
  4. irishmanc

    irishmanc Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    You are so right, Quilty - the relief and sadness are a strange combination. I think this is a typical response from the release of pressure that has built up in us while dealing with the condition of dementia pre-care home. My Dad has no memory of his home and thinks his care home is his boyhood home where he lives with his (long-dead) parents. At least, he is happy and unaware of what is happening to him.

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