1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Do I Agree With This?!

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by optocarol, Aug 16, 2015.

  1. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    I read about not disagreeing with what dementia sufferers say and so forth, but what about this scenario?

    Went out to a cafe today and OH got annoyed because I try to encourage less sugar consumption i.e. 3 spoons in coffee. He's not in need of calories either! Have decided I'm never mentioning it again.

    Then, when we get home, he comes up with all the same old stuff about what I do or don't do, most of which is wrong and suggests we should separate. He'll go somewhere else, I could have my sister live here, which I can't as we're in a retirement village and it wouldn't be allowed. And on and on...

    In the end I just stopped answering, he's forgotten it all now, but I still feel upset and depressed and don't know how to deal with it.
     
  2. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    Hi optocarol this is so hard and I know just what you mean. It is so upsetting even though we know it is dementia in control not our loved one. I have had 'perhaps we should separate then' on so many occasions. It's almost as if we can never do enough and on some days we can't. This is a terrible disease and on some days like you I could just .........
     
  3. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,839
    Suffolk
    When OH said he could leave me. I pointed at the door and said, good, go. There's the door. He looked absolutely staggered! But didn't take it up!
     
  4. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Oh, how desperate, Spamar :( I wouldn't have got away with that! I was accused of having 'someone' once, but all that happened, as usual is that I carried the hurt from it. I made vows in church, like probably most of us did. You don't forget that easily, do you.
     
  5. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Grey Lad, this is worrying me no end. Please let me know how you are...
     
  6. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,963
    North East England
    I'm Leaving....OK Do you want your lunch before you go?

    I'm leaving....OK let me know where the mail has to be sent.

    I'm leaving....Not if I beat you to it...

    Yes they are all said tongue in cheek, but seriously, he is unlikely to do more than announce it.
    The sugar in coffee issue...well does he have Diabetes? If so then you blame the Doctors..they've forbidden it. If he eats a large amount of sweet stuff then yes you have to try to eliminate excessive intake...hide the sugar bowl...or use sweetener granules or use a smaller spoon. If it's only happening when you are out, can you shift the sugar bowl off the table when he is not looking?

    Sorry I can't help more.....but sympathy anyway.x.:)
     
  7. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    I'm fine thanks. Funnily enough I was just thinking about you. How about a new music thread? Thinking of John Denver as been playing Annie's Song for my OH this morning. Give it a go Music Woman!
     
  8. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    Great stuff. :D
     
  9. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Try some Beach boys, too. I played them last night :) Glad you're all right. You had me going there a bit :)
     
  10. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,237
    Female
    England


    Ignoring it is the way to go. My husband would put his jacket on and say he was going. I could keep the house, all the money and the dog. The house is in my name, don't know where the money is and the dog died 20 years ago. He would march up the hall to the front door and stop. He then came back into the room and I would say hello, suggest he take his coat off and I would make a cup of tea and cut him a slice of cake. It worked every time.

    We never talked about these weekly episodes so never found out what started them off.

    You say your husband has no recollection of these episodes so best left alone and remember it comes from dementia being a big part of his life.
     
  11. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    That's reassuring at partly 70. I will get those Beach Boys on very soon.
     
  12. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    John suggested divorce on numerous occasions. I was also asked so many times about "the men you have in here", that I thought of changing my name to Cynthia Payne. ;) It is heartbreakingly difficult, but though the individual words are familiar to us, the phrases that our loved ones use, and their concept, is actually not what they mean to say.

    And when I say "they", I mean the pre Alzheimer's "they". In the early stages, when John suggested divorce, I said "fine, but you'll have to do all the paper work". As he stopped having anything to do with administration or financial matters about 3 seconds after we met, I wasn't surprised when he said "oh, all right - we'll stay together for now".

    But when he said this during the middle and late stages, I just said "ok", and 20 seconds later he'd forgotten what he'd said. The same way that he'd forgotten if he was violent, or incontinent.:( It's so hard for the carer when these things are said though, especially when the person with AD has never said anything like it before.
     
  13. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Was often told that we should separate, that he had never been happy with me, that I'd been a rotten wife, selfish b..ch, etc, and at other times it was too late, what we once had had gone. Accused of stealing house, car, money, etc. All very hard to take when you've had a long and happy marriage. You start doubting yourself and think that may be he had put on a good show over the years but then the loving memories come back and you realise it's the dreaded disease talking. Hard to take though. Sending sympathy
     
  14. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    The more I read everyones posts the more I want to cry......will I go thro' this with mother, (She is now on about another watch, sis bought her one 3months ago) and OH I am worried when he will start
     
  15. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,337
    Female
    South coast
    Not everyones dementia journey goes along the same path patsy. Just because several people on here have gone through this doesnt necessarily mean you will too. Just take life as it comes.
     
  16. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Absolutely agree with you canary. There are about a dozen or so things that people with dementia might do, and most people experience some of them, but not all of them. I have a neighbour who's wife went to one of the Day Centres that John went to. She never speaks, but smiles if she knows you, and cannot sit down, but keeps on the move the whole time.

    Another lady who was at John's Care Home, was very reluctant to leave her chair, and never stopped chatting. To visitors, to herself, to the staff, to imaginary people. She was Irish, and had a lovely musical lilt, and every sentence began "Now. I don't care what anybody says, no I don't. But I think ..........". They were a similar age, and at a comparable stage, but totally different.
     
  17. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Thanks for all your replies everyone.

    No, he doesn't have diabetes and it doesn't happen just when we're out. If I tried to hide the sugar, he'd be angry and since he pushed me and threatened me with raised fists recently, I'm not prepared to risk that. Otherwise, he'd use tomato sauce, which he has on almost everything. He's just finished breakfast of weetbix, mango (tinned, with sugar), kiwifruit and tomato sauce. He knows where that's kept!

    Unfortunately, it hasn't been a long or particularly happy marriage. We have been married 13 years(2nd for both) and he started saying this sort of thing about 8 years ago, until I just refused to talk about it. So, not many good memories to draw on.

    Yes, he forgets after about 2 hours, but meanwhile goes on and on and on...

    Maybe next time I'll try, "There's the door" or else just walk away.
     
  18. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    Having read all of the comments. I thank you all because I feel so much better for knowing it isn't just me and my OH. I have had many teary times believing he would leave me and that I really was as bad as he said. Friends and family said of course he couldn't leave he has no where to go and cannot manage anyway . True but he still seems so together when he says it and it so cutting.
     
  19. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    315
    Auckland, New Zealand
    I think that's what does it i.e. the seeming so together, as you put it. It makes it harder to brush it off.
     
  20. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    But of course it does, because the person with AD still looks like the person pre AD, and talks like them, and it's so hard to remember it's not their fault, and they don't really mean it. And it's very hard to be Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa and Princess Diana, rolled into one, all of the time. :(

    Cut us and we still bleed too. It's heartbreaking. I quite expected to be hanging from the gallows, following me murdering the "friends" who said "But he looks fine!" - as if I was making up his Alzheimer's. These same friends, after I related an upsetting tale, would put their head on one side, tut tut, and say "but it's not him, he doesn't mean it, it's the illness".

    :mad::mad::mad: I know that!!!! There's no easy answer to any of this. It's just, as the years rolled by, I found better coping techniques, that worked for me, and I found them because I had to, else I would have gone under. For years I wasted time correcting John, who would incessantly ask "is it Thursday?". I would patiently say, for example "no, it's Monday", and when he said "so tomorrow's Saturday?", I would reply, through gritted teeth, "no, tomorrow is Tuesday".

    Then 30 seconds later, it would start all over again. I admit, many was the time I shouted the correct answer until one day, I Saw The Light. What did it matter what bl**dy day of the week it was? So when John asked "is it Thursday?" - I said "yes", even though it wasn't. And he was pleased because he'd got it right. And if he replied "so tomorrow's Sunday", I would say "you're on the ball today love. Right again!"

    And I stopped getting screwed up inside, and feeling that my head would explode. I repeat, this took me years, and I wish I'd thought of it earlier. The whole point was "Thursday" was a word that John remembered, and he knew he had to say the words "is it" first. The same way as he knew if his bladder felt full, it needed emptying, but didn't know where. The phrase, as such, meant nothing to him.
     

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