Hello
My mother died earlier this year. It was heart failure, her final decline at home was sudden and shocking during the height of the last lockdown. Two days palliative care in hospital then death. I have several disturbing images in my mind of mum’s last hours at home then in hospital. I accept they will no doubt be with me for the rest of my life. What I find more concerning is my inability to hold mum in my memory from her pre Dementia days. I have slowly built up a collection of such memories, recorded them in a memory book. I have created a memory box of my mum, including a few favourite clothes she wore, her long standing wrist watch, a poem she once wrote down, etc. Both of these activities were advised by a telephone counsellor I am speaking to once a week. I am not sure how well that will go, as the lady has no direct experience of bereavement in terms of Dementia care.
Why is it then I can remember with an effort old and happy memories, but they then get drowned out by miserable Dementia caring memories. I do not cherish or seek out the latter, they just seem to have a life of their own. I cared for mum from 2015 onwards, have no regrets about doing so, but I would hate to think that full time role is in future always going to be the default way I remember mum. Dementia is a cruel illness but that would just be another cruelty to undertake even in her death.
Is the above just part of the grieving process after caring for a loved one with Dementia? Do such memories fade and get replaced with older better ones? I would welcome the views of others.
Finally I am not sure if I should raise this last point but it is playing on my mind. My mum always use to say she hoped there was something else after death, or perhaps we just close our eyes, go to sleep and know nothing more. Mum’s death has forced me to confront human mortality in a real sense for the first time in my life. I speak to mum each day. There is no reply of course, but I find it reassures me, gives me comfort. Or is that just denial of her death? God knows. I am open minded as regards if there is life after death in some form, but if so hope that mum has reached it after her later years of suffering. Or am I just an old fool? I am still totally isolated, in a house which is now so quiet, the busy full time caring role now gone.
It will soon be three months since mum died, but most days I am still numb, sad, lacking in motivation, sometimes just reduced to tears. I am eating well, sleep mostly okay, but when I wake I soon feel grief and related feelings. Every where I look in this house I am reminded of mum’s illness. Clearly there are others who have lost loved ones and I would welcome any advice. I read articles on the stages of grief and find it hard to follow. My emotions are all over the place, day to day, so stages of grief seems hard to understand. I read threads here, the problems of caring and think pull yourself together. It is just hard knowing how to start when literally I am stuck in a house every day on my own, a part from a daily walk.
My mother died earlier this year. It was heart failure, her final decline at home was sudden and shocking during the height of the last lockdown. Two days palliative care in hospital then death. I have several disturbing images in my mind of mum’s last hours at home then in hospital. I accept they will no doubt be with me for the rest of my life. What I find more concerning is my inability to hold mum in my memory from her pre Dementia days. I have slowly built up a collection of such memories, recorded them in a memory book. I have created a memory box of my mum, including a few favourite clothes she wore, her long standing wrist watch, a poem she once wrote down, etc. Both of these activities were advised by a telephone counsellor I am speaking to once a week. I am not sure how well that will go, as the lady has no direct experience of bereavement in terms of Dementia care.
Why is it then I can remember with an effort old and happy memories, but they then get drowned out by miserable Dementia caring memories. I do not cherish or seek out the latter, they just seem to have a life of their own. I cared for mum from 2015 onwards, have no regrets about doing so, but I would hate to think that full time role is in future always going to be the default way I remember mum. Dementia is a cruel illness but that would just be another cruelty to undertake even in her death.
Is the above just part of the grieving process after caring for a loved one with Dementia? Do such memories fade and get replaced with older better ones? I would welcome the views of others.
Finally I am not sure if I should raise this last point but it is playing on my mind. My mum always use to say she hoped there was something else after death, or perhaps we just close our eyes, go to sleep and know nothing more. Mum’s death has forced me to confront human mortality in a real sense for the first time in my life. I speak to mum each day. There is no reply of course, but I find it reassures me, gives me comfort. Or is that just denial of her death? God knows. I am open minded as regards if there is life after death in some form, but if so hope that mum has reached it after her later years of suffering. Or am I just an old fool? I am still totally isolated, in a house which is now so quiet, the busy full time caring role now gone.
It will soon be three months since mum died, but most days I am still numb, sad, lacking in motivation, sometimes just reduced to tears. I am eating well, sleep mostly okay, but when I wake I soon feel grief and related feelings. Every where I look in this house I am reminded of mum’s illness. Clearly there are others who have lost loved ones and I would welcome any advice. I read articles on the stages of grief and find it hard to follow. My emotions are all over the place, day to day, so stages of grief seems hard to understand. I read threads here, the problems of caring and think pull yourself together. It is just hard knowing how to start when literally I am stuck in a house every day on my own, a part from a daily walk.
