The subject of resuscitation is a very difficult one.
My husband had vascular dementia for at least 10 years before he went into a care home after 6 months in 3 hospitals following a fractured hip and he lost a lot of mobility. But not all of it was lost until fracturing the other hip about 8 months later. His dementia and Type 2 diabetes had become much worse in the hospitals. In fact in the 3rd hospital,the local Community Hospital, he was critically ill when I discovered his diabetes had been badly monitored, and he came close to death. (the care home were excellent concerning his diabetes)
Henry never came home, I was devastated. The consultant (and also nursing staff) said his needs had become more than I could cope with now and he needed full time professional care.
Soon after he was in the care/nursing home his Care Plan was discussed with me, his named nurse gave it to me to read. I had already been asked about resuscitation and said I definitely wanted him resuscitated. Imagine my shock when I opened the Care Plan and there was a DNR form in the first page. Signed by a GP in the Community Hospital who had never ever spoken to me. I was furious, discussed it with the named nurse and had this changed.
Then I discovered that almost all of the of the 16 residents in the dementia wing had DNR in place. I read all I could about DNR, spoke to my GP and after much deep thought I changed the decision to DNR.
I knew this would be Henry’s decision, he was matter of fact about death (before dementia) and his attitude was we all die and so be it when his time came. If his heart stopped beating then his body was ready to die, considering his age. Had he been aware of his dementia decline he would certainly not have wished to be ‘saved’.
His last 2 years in particular were very poor concerning physical health with numerous infections, chronic kidney failure and other problems, he became very frail although his heart was not a problem. His dementia increasingly progressed - no speech, ability to eat, doubly incontinent a long time, and many of the other dementia problems. Yet the essence of Henry was quite often apparent, and at times an awareness… tears would come into his eyes then he’d wipe them away and smile.
Henry died in June of last year, unexpectedly as he had improved quite a bit the last six weeks and had had a particularly good day, laughing joking with staff and enjoying ‘people watching’ etc. He was fine when checked at 11pm but not at midnight. Paramedics were routinely called, then a GP as he was distressed and agitated.
The GP said Henry would not recover from what was a massive heart attack. But he thought he would last into the afternoon, and our daughter was coming down from Aberdeenshire (3 hour drive) hoping to be with her Dad at the end. He was given morphine and went into a sleep from which he did not awaken. He died at 2.35am, he was 84. His passing was peaceful.
I deeply grieve the loss of my husband, companion, best friend and I miss him more than words can express. I do not think after almost 59 years of a close marriage that this will change. But he is now free of this horrible disease which stole him away from himself, and from me and his family. Stole many years of our life together, changed him beyond recognition from the man he was. Now he is at peace. His suffering still haunts me but I try to focus on the lovely person he once was and cherish the happy memories as a couple and as a family.
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It is unbearably painful when someone we dearly love leaves this life. The heart does want to hold on to them, there are selfish feelings. But I do not regret the DNR decision, even although being a massive heart attack it may not have been appropriate anyway. I feel his body had taken enough.
But as you say Murper1 it is not the same for everyone. I do appreciate that.
Philamillan wrote:
Hi Gringo.
I see your pain:
I find that to get clarity I will ask myself what would I want for me in that situation.
Although it would be painful for my loved ones I would prefer not to suffer or at least limit the period of suffering.
Death is inevitable, what matters is how we face it.
Last year after Henry’s death I spoke to my GP about DNR for myself, she agreed with me and my reasons. In June this year it was arranged. I again asked her if she thought I was doing the right thing, she thought for a few minutes then said yes she did.
She said even if I survived resuscitation I would have some after effects. Also with older people this is more likely. The risk of brain damage, a stroke, possibly put on life support only for the inevitable family decision when to turn it off.
I am doing this for my family as well as for myself. This June when one of my grandsons (age almost 31) was here the subject came up and I told him. He said he and his wife have been through this twice, once with his paternal grandmother, and also with his wife’s grandmother. He said it was heart breaking when they were on life support, extremely painful and upsetting having to make the decision to end their lives. He approved of my decision.
I just want to make things easier for my family at what is a difficult time for them and many things to attend to. But also I would like to let go and let be, the best of life is behind me. I would rather not prolong the agony for them and also myself.
Sorry this is over long, and all about my situation.
Loo xx