1. angelmouse

    angelmouse Registered User

    Aug 27, 2007
    1
    Hi, I'm new around here
    Quick low down, my grandmother was diagnosed with DLB almost 2 years ago now, and the family is coping with most of it well, except for one part which is why I've come here for help.
    4 years ago her husband died, this was before the diagnos and everything (fortunatly, I'd hate for him to see her like this) and she accepted his death at the time. But now, she doesn't think he's dead, she keeps seeing him, and telling us he's gone missing.
    How can we try and tell her hes died in the nicest possible way as no one can keep going on like this as we all miss him still and the stories she comes out with are spoiling our memories of him.
    Thank you for any help or replies
    Angelmouse
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,429
    Hi Angelmouse and welcome to Talking Point.

    Short answer is: I don't think you can persuade her that her husband is dead. I know it's not want you want to hear, but the fact of the matter is, when someone is suffereing from dementia, it simply isn't possible to persuade them that something that they believe to be true isn't. I mean, it might be possible for them to grasp that fact in the short term, but long term, this is what dementia is all about: losing your grasp on reality.

    I understand this is upsetting to the rest of you, and it's probably more upsetting for her, but it is what it is. From her point of view, she remembers your grandfather, but can't remember why he's not there, so inevitably, she going to try to make sense of that.

    As for "spoiling your memories" I'm afraid, and I know this is going to sound harsh, that the rest of you are just going to have to deal with it. Let's face it, you know the stories she's coming out with aren't true, and this sort of thing can be very hard to deal with, but the control in this situation is with the rest of you: these stories can only tarnish your memories if you let them, while your poor grandmother has no way to control her thoughts.

    Best wishes

    Jennifer
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Angelmouse, welcome from me too.

    I'm afraid Jennifer's right, you're never going to convince your grandmother that your grandfather is dead, she is not going to remember from one day to the next. In fact, it's unkind to try, because each time you tell her he is dead, it will be new to her, and she will be upset all over again.

    You're just going to have to go along with her idea that he is alive, but not here just now. If she is 'seeing' him, go along with that too, and say he has just gone out. Give her as much reassurance as you can, and try to avoid giving her distress.

    I'm glad you asked the question here, lots of people don't know how to handle these illusions and hallucinations. Please ask if there is anything else you want to know, there is usually someone who can help.

    Best wishes,
     
  4. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    That is how it is for her - it may be easier for you to go along with this.
    I cannot add to Jennifer's good reply.

    I really feel for you in your situation.
    Take care Beckyjan
     
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #5 Margarita, Aug 27, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2007
    Some time medication for AZ can give the person hallucinations my mother only had one when started to take Exbixa , she said she saw my father, but it stop after a while .

    also you can get medication from the doctor to stop the hallucinations if your finding it distressing your grandmother , talk to doctor she what help he can offer her with medication for the hallucinations
     
  6. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Hi angelmouse,you have been given such good advice.In the home i work in we are taught to try and change the subject,but don't tell them their loved one is dead.the grieving process starts all over again.Tell them as said before that they are out at the moment or something to that effect.Chances are they will have forgotten in a few minutes.Sad and hurtful to do this i know but it does work.life and lies go hand in hand with this horrible disease.take care love elainex
     
  7. dolly gee

    dolly gee Registered User

    Mar 9, 2007
    47
    merseyside
    angelmouse sorry to hear of your plight we were in the same situation with my sister and it was very distressing.agree with other mail just listen and dont comment Lb dementia is differant to alziemers just acept always lokk at Lb as happy kind of dementiar good luck dolly gee
     
  8. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello anglemouse,
    Welcome to TP. Unfortunately, with my own experience there just doesn't seem to be away to persuade them otherwise. Their thoughts are their reality, my mum will take it in her head that someone has died, that hasn't, and you can't convince her otherwise she even goes as far as telling you about the funeral. One time, she imagined this old neighbour of hers died and sent her daughter a sympathy card. Luckily, they seen the funny side of it. Mum thinks dad is dead at times, this upset my daughter and she tried in vain to tell her he was still alive and mum said, see, this is why we didn't tell you, you get upset. Stories, I'm sure I could write a book on them and as upsetting as they maybe, all you can do is remember that, it's this miserable disease. Take Care. Taffy.
     
  9. Lonestray

    Lonestray Registered User

    Aug 3, 2006
    236
    Hereford
    Their world

    For what it's worth I entered my wife's world many years ago. Now 12yrs on I feel welcomed in her world, her pain is my pain, she's happy I'm content. She used to want to go home, "so Ok Lets go" and off we'd go, and as we chatted both of us would forget and make our way back home. So she saw people that I couldn't, they were real to her so I'd talk to her about them and even talk to 'them'! I shared her journey back in time since I knew her when she was 17. I tell her I wish I'd have known her as a school girl, I'd have carried her books.

    Now that she can't talk nor move and sleeps a lot, every time I wake her I hold her close and tell her how much she means to me and talk about her childhood playmates and about the mining areain Co. Durham she came from.
    There was the time when she would drift between the past and present, able to do things then not, when 'the words would come out properly' then would, these were some indication and a foretaste of things was to come.
    Yes, there was a time I found it frustrating, to fight the illness is like fighting a ghost, you can't win. Join them in their world, share their good and bad times and love them all the more. Though I care for her alone, my regrets are few and my hope for now, is to steer our craft I call 'Now' to our end, on the river of time.
    Padraig
     

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