1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Paulyboy

    Paulyboy Registered User

    May 1, 2013
    4
    My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2006. She was cared for at home privately whilst I worked five days a week to provide.
    I personally took over the intimate care necessary at weekends for the last four years whilst she was bed bound. She cannot move in bed and never speaks.
    She is now in an NHS "nursing" home (only the last three weeks) as choking was an issue.
    During the time I have met someone who I would like to marry. I am 71.
    Can I legally divorce firstly and would anyone frown on me.
    I will always ensure my original wife is cared for properly as my conscience would not allow otherwise.
     
  2. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,948
    Ireland
    Well I for one certainly wouldn't frown on you for wanting to re-marry! Good on you for having the courage and get-up-and-go to "start over". You sound like you've been a very caring and supportive husband to your wife.

    I'm sure others will be able to advise on the divorce situation. Do you have children involved?
     
  3. ElizabethAnn

    ElizabethAnn Registered User

    Jan 4, 2014
    189
    North Hampshire
    I certainly wouldn't frown on you either.

    You may find out who your true friends are - but who wants friends who don't want you to be happy ? certainly not me.

    I wish you all the very best.

    regards, Elizabeth.
     
  4. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,740
    Salford
    That's a whole can of worms that has been opened on here before Pauly and there's no real answer, there is only what's right for you.
    Yes, you can legally divorce her but someone would have to act on her behalf and the way money and property would be divided would have to be both fair and equitable ignoring the fact she has AZ and is in care, her half would have to go into trust or to an appointed person.
    Some people would see a divorce as a betrayal of the marriage vows, other would say you're only here once and the two sides will never agree, some people say that should they become a widow/er they would never remarry, it's a personal thing.
    Only you can judge what your friends and family may think, different generations may take different views, some people may be accepting, others not.
    I'm 10 years younger than you and my wife has been in care for nearly a year, that's potentially a lot of years coming home to an empty house to look forward to.
    What would I do if I bumped into "Mrs Right"? Hard to say.
    I would describe myself as a sociable person but other than visits to the home I can go for days without talking to anyone and I don't think it's good for me, I've always had someone to share with.
    I wouldn't be put off by anything people say, you're only here once.
    K
     
  5. Beth56

    Beth56 Registered User

    Nov 14, 2016
    38
    I would not find fault at all with you, you are obviously a caring man. As to divorce I have no idea of the ramifications of this step. Why not visit a Lawyer to advise you. If people find fault with you, tell them to Walk a mile in my shoes comes to mind". I wish you all the best, what a dilemma for you


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
     
  6. Caz60

    Caz60 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    252
    Lancashire
    I wish you nothing but the best everyone's right you're only here once .What suits one does not always suit others and, it's a tough life caring for a dementia person so grab what happiness you can .x
     
  7. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    806
    It's no one else's business.Would you bring lonely and miserable ease your wife's suffering?Of course it wouldn't it would just deny you the chance of happiness.Grab the opportunity,they don't come along too often.
     
  8. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,593
    Yorkshire
    #8 Chemmy, Dec 14, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2016
    Forgive me, but I'm going to play Devil's advocate here for a moment, because if it were that simple in your own mind, I don't think you would have asked the question.

    Presumably you have been in this other relationship for some time, and your friends and family know about it, so my question is "why do you feel you need to divorce and remarry?"

    Why not continue as you are now? If you wait and see how things pan out further down the line, you may find then you can marry in due course without the need for a divorce. Will a couple of bits of paper really make that much difference to the life you face tomorrow?

    You ask if others might frown on you? Yes, they might, as some will not see illness as a valid reason for divorcing a partner. Only you will know how that sits with you and whether their approval matters.

    Like I said at the start, I'm merely pointing out a less controversial alternative. Whatever your decision, I genuinely wish you every happiness with your new partner.
     
  9. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    332
    Ontario canada
    Sorry...I also wish you much happiness...but do not understand why a divorce is necessary especially when you are in your seventies. Can your new woman not see that? When your wife passes on and all is well you can think about making your vows to the new woman. IMO ...timing is not to good. Maybe I do not see something that is obvious?
     
  10. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    1,955
    Female
    London
    I too do not really see why you cannot not continue as you are?? what is the advantage to marrying..apart from your new wife inheriting your pension and assets!!??
     
  11. Del24

    Del24 Registered User

    Aug 17, 2014
    67
    Hertfordshire
    I have been thinking about your post and comparing it to my situation.
    I am careing for my wife for last 7 years and I am losing the woman I love.
    I miss my wife as she was and do get lonely at times.
    My own thought was to become a Member of the Mormon church or other and legally take another wife to help me.
    I would never consider divorcing my wife.
     
  12. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,593
    Yorkshire


    http://researchbriefings.files.parliament.uk/documents/SN05051/SN05051.pdf
     
  13. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello Paul, l would not divorce my husband through illness its seems a bit harsh. I know how awful it is to be lonely, why don't you just live together, thats what all the young ones do, it would make life much easier for you.
    I wish you much happiness for the future.
     

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