Ditto........Canadian Joanne - Emotional detachment

[melbee]

I read the post from Canadian Joanne 2 days ago and it could have been me writing it........... I was going to respond immediatley but was too tired and physically drained, so I decided to write today, and start a new thread because that one belongs to Joanne.

I havent written on here for a while - but in brief my Mother was diagnosed with AD August 2006, and is now living with me, hubby and our little girl, and we have relocated to the North West of England. It is lovely where we are, beautiful house, beautiful countryside, lovely friendly people, husband fell straight into new job, little girl accepted into nursery school without any problems, but Mum is in a totally different league.

We decided as a whole family (my sister & her clan) that it may be best to bring Mum along with us (Sis works full time 2 kids etc & I am at home 1 child) and Mum wasnt capable of looking after herself properly, but she isnt bad enough to go into a home. I used to get phone calls everyday from her weeping and telling me how lonely she was, and how much she hated being on her own. She went to a daycentre twice a week too. She wasnt eating properly or taking care of herself personally. So when we asked her about coming to live with us, she was over the moon.

Anyway now she is here I am beginning to rue the day I first suggested it .............

Its as though she waits until we (me & her) are in the house alone and just wants to pick a fight, annoy, argue, scream and be totally nasty to me. She never does it in front of our friends who we see most weekends or the other Mums at the school and was as nice as anything in front of the Social worker. She has shown this side to my husband though, and we try so hard to keep it away from our little girl whos only four, but now even she tends to keep away from her Nanny because Nanny teases her rotten.

Many occassions Mum tells me she hates it here and wants to go home. She storms around the house crying and if I try to ignore her she says I am being evil. If I answer her back she tells me to stop having a go or to leave her alone. Shes threatened several times to leave the house and never come back, saying she wishes she was dead. I now have to keep the front door locked and hide the keys. I also take her grocery shopping, but that can be a nightmare too now because she has wandered off. But if I were to leave her home alone Id feel so guilty.

I am not well myself at the moment and on medication for depression due to all this and other events (but that another story for another day) and am so frightened that she may push me too far.

I DO KNOW its the damned illness half the time, but I hardly recognise her anymore as that wonderful mother and friend I had. All the love I had for her is slowly being eaten away and replaced with frustration, resentment, dispare and the question WHY WHY WHY.................... I really feel that she hates me, and is trying to destroy my life, my marraige and blames me for ruining her life. When I ask her why she is so nasty to me she justs says the 2 phrases - "Well I am evil arent I" or "why dont you get me locked away" If she is not careful she may get the latter wish.

Anyway if youve got this far reading "Thankyou" and Sorry to have rambled on so much, as I know others are dealing with their own turmoils too, but I feel I may go mad if I dont do something soon.

 

[Margarita]

rambled on so much

ramdle on as much as you like as I have been at that stage with my mother , better letting it out that suppressing all those emotion, Like i use to do before I found TP .

 

[Zadok]

I do feel for you. Try to get some help from the local Alzheimer's branch..............a local person to talk to or a day centre will help in the immediate term.Try your GP and through him try to get mum referred to the mental health team for older people. They will be able to 'see through' mums politeness in company, and will give you someone to talk to without her.
As for her wanting to go back or go home please don't think you made the wrong decision. My mum wants to 'go home ' and to see her mum ( who's obviuosly not alive) and stay in her childhood home. She's not even talking of the last house she lived in before the care home. She just wants to be back where things were safe.
Oh and I'm someone she met at school whose considerably older than her!
But then I feel it sometimes.

 

[Helena]

My Mother behaved like that when ever i or my sister visited her

I found the only solution was to give her exactly as good as i got

she would be so shocked that peace would reign while i sorted out whatever bills etc needed dealing with or cheques signing

There was no point trying to reason with her or change the subject or walk away i just had to get really angry with her

I wish now i had done so years before when the first signs were evident but she was in denial then everything could have been put in order much sooner and we could have avoided the horrendous aftermath of her hospitalisation and death and the problems of probate etc

 

[alfjess]

Hi Melbee

I found that sometimes we had to be firm with my Mum or otherwise she would have run rings around us. I don't mean bullying, I mean as you would with a child.

For example, when young, my daughter tried use the fact that her Dad and I were divorced to blackmail me, saying I will go and stay with Dad. One day I'd had enough, I called her bluff, opened the door pushed her out. She never went further than the back garden, but she never tried that trick again. Maybe not great parenting skills by to-days standards BUT.......

I applied the same theory with Mum, obviously not pushing her out of the door , but saying, on you go, it is your choice, you can do as you want. If I challenged Mum or tried to reason things, it only became worse, so I just agreed. She never went anywhere and the unreasonable behaviour became less, I think because no one was reacting and we were calling her bluff.

Don't know if this answer is the correct way of handling dementia, but it worked for me.

Take care
Alfjess

 

[Natashalou]

yes

My Mother behaved like that when ever i or my sister visited her

I found the only solution was to give her exactly as good as i got

she would be so shocked that peace would reign while i sorted out whatever bills etc needed dealing with or cheques signing

There was no point trying to reason with her or change the subject or walk away i just had to get really angry with her

I wish now i had done so years before when the first signs were evident but she was in denial then everything could have been put in order much sooner and we could have avoided the horrendous aftermath of her hospitalisation and death and the problems of probate etc

I did this for the first time today. when i arrived for a shortish lunchtime visit, my mum immedietly started on me. I simply said quite calmly, well, my being here makes you so upset it is better if I go, and I will come back when you are in a better mood.
I walked out and went back to work!
I have been half expeciting a call from the home today to say she is making a fuss but it hasnt come!
I will be interested to see her reaction the next time I visit!

 

[Margarita]

I found that sometimes we had to be firm with my Mum

I also find talking firm with mum help me cope with her better , I thing its to do with the tone of voice , as when I do that she opening her arms out to me for a hug .

then its one continues firm tone of voice , because she forget what has happen ask or say it all over again

 

[Cate]

My heart goes out to you. It is so very difficult. Before my mum moved to the NH we went through the same conversations that you are having.

One of the problems is, mum probably forgets that you have already had these conversations, she has latched into a way of getting your attention, all be it in a hurtful way, its childlike behaviour, without any level of reasoning.

Have you considered a day centre a couple of days a week, just to give you back some 'me' time, and also, would your sister be able to have mum for the occasional weekend, just so that you can be a family.

Its very clear that you have done your best having mum to live with you, but you must also consider what this is doing to your own family, especially your daughter, please do not think you have failed mum if you need to reconsider your living arrangements, you are giving it your best shot, and thats all you can do.

Wanting to go home, this is not unusual, mum wants to go home, but its to a house she had 40 + years ago, and sometimes she even talks about going home where she lived with her own parents, which was bombed during the war.

Trying to change the subject never worked for me either.

Try to keep strong, but keep in mind, that things change, and circumstances change. Look after yourself

Cate

 

[Amy]

Hiya melbee,
I admire what you have done taking your mum into your home - but urge you to consider your own health, and life generally. It is so difficult being torn between the generations - loving both, wanting to hurt neither, to do right by everyone. But you matter too - your well being and happiness.
Thinking of you. Take care.
Love Helen

 

[Grannie G]

I did this for the first time today. when i arrived for a shortish lunchtime visit, my mum immedietly started on me. I simply said quite calmly, well, my being here makes you so upset it is better if I go, and I will come back when you are in a better mood.
I walked out and went back to work!
I have been half expeciting a call from the home today to say she is making a fuss but it hasnt come!
I will be interested to see her reaction the next time I visit!

Dear Natasha,
As likely as not your mother will have completely forgotten the incident an jour after you left.

This is what I do when my husband gets stroppy, I take myself off into another room. By the time i see him again, he has forgotten what happened and as long as I address him pleasantly, as if nothing`s wrong, all is well.

I think you are quite right to cut the visit short if your mother is being confrontational. Whether it works long term remains to be seen.

Love xx

 

[Margarita]

Whether it works long term remains to be seen.

I have been they where Natashalou is , Just walking out was the best thing to do

Natashalou mum not going to change , because she not on medication for AZ

where it gets very hard is not to carry that emotion moments that you have with a mother that make you feel so angry, sad frustrated in to your home life .



took me years to except that , the woman that mother I saw in front of me , was not the mother that brought me up.

take the medication away from my mother and they would stand my mother , frail , angry , bitter older woman , that have lost all control of herself her life around her , crying out in anger for my help , because to her she she brought me up the way she thought was right , Never showing me love , very manipulating was my mother long story .

So then my mother given medication for AZ and my mother changes her personality changes , she nice , Exibza its controlling her personality , and the AZ from progressing .

The AZ is progressing in her brain , Exbiza is holding it back , but nothing is going to change my mother in the way she was before I was told she had AZ . until AZ wipe my mother whole memories out of her brain .

So the only one that can change is I towards my mother , I forgive her yes I forgive as in doing that I can move on in my life , in my hear now with my mother I thought I would never be able to say that , until only lately when it click & I saw with my own eyes , when a mix up happen with her medication with exbiza, because I was so stress and she was not taking it for quite a few days .

they I saw my mother fighting within herself to gain that control , to be to do the the things she can not do any more .

Nat I sure you know that your mother arguing with herself & trying to bonus in on to you or anyone that near her , see every day as a challenge for yourself to heal that child within you , that now is a loveing caring mother , and when it all gets to painful just walk out like you did , cry if you want to . because things can only get better for YOU

 

[melbee]

Hi and a very BIG thanks to all who replied............

I just get so frustrated that this awful illness is turning my Mum into something she would never have been and its making me retaliate by being nasty and hurtful back.

Mum went to a new day centre on Monday for a few hours and thoroughly enjoyed herself, playing bingo and dominos, and will be going every Monday from now on., and if other days become available that would be good too.

I am trying so hard to ignore her temper tantrums, but they are happening much more frequent now, and she can get quite aggressive not only towards me but my little girl too. Is this yet another hurdle to face or can the doctor do something to calm her down.
And she gets so very upset when she has an accident (wee), but she goes to the toilet about every half hour and doesnt drink much either. Should I keep on at the doctor to see if they can do anything surgically, because my friend in her early forties had surgery ( I think its called a hammock) done, or is my Mum considered too old now.

And lastly for now, the lovely lady from Social services who is helping me with Mum is going to put me in touch with people who can help ME through this too.

Take care each and everyone of you - and I'll be back soon.

 

[Nell]

Dear Melbee,
I certainly think you could talk to your doctor about the anger and nastiness, and also about the weeing. It may be that your Mum is starting to be incontinent. I think this is happening with Mum as she is very much the same as you describe your Mum. At 84 there is no way they will operate on my Mum - even if it would help.

I agree with those who have said that when your Mum is being really nasty, walk away. It IS hard but you must care for yourself too. Try to see it as the disease - hard, I know. You could say something like:
"Mum, you are being very nasty (mean, unkind, unfair, rude - whatever is correct at the time) and I don't want to listen. When you are nicer I'll come back" and LEAVE!

Even if she doesn't remember, or it makes no difference to her behaviour (altho' it might! see Natasha's posts!) - it will help you to survive.

This must be so hard for everyone like yourself who is going through it. I feel for you so much. Sending you my warmest wishes.