1. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    2,127
    Doncaster
    Just been trawling round the Day Care Centres trying to find somewhere for Jean to spend the day while I am out at work.

    The places are all for old people in wheelchairs, with walking frames , varying degrees of deafness and other ailments. The places are like ovens where you can hardly draw breath.

    In one place, where the users of the community bus had not yet turned up, about three or four folk were sat there glaring at us in case we took a seat that they had been saving for Edna or whoever when the bus turned up.

    I nearly had to rugby tackle Jean to try and stop her from running out. She could not get to the door fast enough.

    All of which means that she is obviously not going to be happy or settled in these places and that Social Services, who have decided that Jean is being left too long on her own, will have to sort out something suitable. She does spend a few hours each working day on her own but is quite safe. She has no idea how to work the cooker or any household gadgets at all and just sits most of the day looking out of the window.

    Recently, she has been throwing stuff into the dustbins and garden, presumably "cleaning up" which is a real pain and is guaranteed to send me ballistic, especially when it's important letters, tins of food, jars of coffee and the like.

    It's not the throwing away that drives me potty, it's the instant denial that it's not her, she hasn't done it, she's only just got here. There is only so much stuff you can put out of reach or hide in cupboards.

    Just thought, suitcases!!! Perhaps I can hide tinned stuff and the like in there Going to clear the pantry shelves now and fill up my suitcases. I'll let you know if it works.

    Jean does not understand that she only has to spend a few hours in these places and will not listen when this is explained.
     
  2. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Oh suitcases, great idea! Do let me know if it works. I have this problem with my Mum, except in her case the things get "stolen" of course - you name it food, cutlery, duvet (yes really).
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Grommit

    oh I remember the day centre well, though we were not destined to go there for long.

    You could have a chat to the day centre manager - something that sort of worked for Jan was to tell her she was doing voluntary work, helping these old folks. Didn't work more than a visit, but you may be more lucky.

    I can totally understand why they don't want to stay under any circumstances. For instance, if someone took me into a pub where there was a large screen with any sport on it - I'd be climbing the walls. I would be happier myself to be dumped at a day centre than have to watch football or something like that.

    And the problem is that we can't explain to them that it won't be for long. Wouldn't work for me with sport where 2 minutes is too long, so why should it work for them? Also, with a memory that is not working properly, 'not long' may be longer than the amount of time they can comprehend.

    Regarding chucking stuff away - I think they just want to be able to accomplish something simple, in the absence of being able to do anything more complicated. For some it is throwing away, for others endless dusting, others move furniture all day.

    Again, it is not so difficult to understand: yesterday I was installing a complex [to me, at least as it was my first] water feature in the garden. I was having problems getting the electrics sorted. Took a break and tidied up some leaves that had fallen, just so I could start and finish something successfully - then I returned to the feature and finished it.

    It is all a case of identifying with their mindsets.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,569
    Kent
    Hi Grommit,

    Reading of your first venture into day care centres, reminded me of when I took my mother. Admittedly she was older than Jean, but she looked round, saw what was on offer and said `I`m not staying here. They`re all nutters`.

    As for the groceries; would Jean `find` things on high upper or low lower shelves? My husband only seems to look straight ahead. He doesn`t find things that are too high, or if he has to bend far down. Wondered if Jean is the same.

    Otherwise I can only comiserate. There are no ideals in our limited provision, but sometimes even compromise is too much to ask.

    Take care
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Grommit

    Sorry you're having such a rough time sorting out care for Jean.

    I understand that day centres are going to be a problem for people with young onset dementia, in the nature of things they are always going to be dominated by elderly people.

    But have you asked if there is one run by Alzheimer's Society? John's not young onset, but there's no way I would have let him go to one of the SS ones. The AS one is rather different.

    Still older people, but a much higher staff/patient ratio, and they do actually work with the patients, rather than leave them to chat or play cards. They do a wonderful job with John.

    Just a suggestion. It may not work, but could be worth invetigating, if you haven't already.

    Hope the suitcases worked!:D

    Love,
     
  6. annesharlie

    annesharlie Registered User

    Grommit

    First, you do know she's not lying to you, she honestly doesn't remember throwing the things away - maybe at the time she thinks she's helping. Perhaps you can try and work out where she likes to take things from to toss, and leave unimportant stuff there. Like we did for our son as a toddler as he always liked to unpack a particular kitchen cupboard. Is it always put to the same hiding place behind the shed? It must be hard to forever be searching etc.

    Is there not the opportunity for someone to come to the house for a few hours in the day while you're at work, to take her out for a walk or just stay with her so she's not alone, rather than the senior centre?

    Hope something works out for you both.
     
  7. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear grommit, no answers I'm afraid. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and Jean.
     
  8. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    2,127
    Doncaster
    Thanks everyone.

    Must admit I had forgotten about the local Alzheimers society for assistance, Skye, i will try that one.

    Unfortunately, Annesharlie, we are living on a small estate which is regarded as a sort of starter home estate and everyone is out at work and bringing up kids at the same time. Jeans Mother cannot help, she is 93, my Mother is a diabetic 85 year old and my brothers wife, who takes Jean on Saturday night while I go out with my brother for a few hours, has a long term back problem which precludes much more than sitting down most of the time.

    GrannieG - upper shelves are a good idea and I think I will put the more frequently used stuff up there to give it a try. Certainly her medication is right up there and she has not touched that. Out of sight -out of mind.

    Cleaning up in the sitting room today and found a single, uncooked sausage in with the CD's. If I was into popular music I just thought that it may have been next to the Gloria Gaynor classic "I'm Looking out for Number 1"

    Thanks to both Connie and Bruce also. Connie for her unending ability to care and Bruce for trying to make sense out of something that has no logical basis.

    FearfulFiona - i will let you know what happens over the next day or so. When I brought the suitcases down from the loft Jean thought we were going on holiday.
     
  9. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hiya Grommit

    Sorry your having such a hard time trying to locate suitable Day Care for Jean....................as far as throwing things away goes.................. have you tried cupboard locks? and you can pick up reasonable (usually under £20) digital safes for important paperwork and medication, not sure if this might solve your problem, but it might be worth a try.

    I hope you manage to find a Day Care Centre where Jean feels comfortable.

    Love Alex x
     
  10. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Dear Grommit,

    I just had a thought about the paperwork as my Mum throws away all paperwork she doesn't understand (which is of course the most important stuff). I manage to fuss around and collect it up with old magazines when she isn't looking and get it to my brother for safe keeping in his house. I wonder if that's a possibility for you and your brother.

    Hope you manage to find a good care home.

    Regards
    Fiona:)
     
  11. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    dear Grommit
    I can't offer much advice other than whats already been said.
    i understand your frustration......missing paperwork and letters were all too common when mum was around......and yes, usually important stuff.....
    Don't be too hard on yourself though......it's hard NOT to get grumpy :mad:
    Virtual hugs and love winging their way to you right now;)
    Love Wendy x
     
  12. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Grommit: how dextrous is Jean? Do you think any of the "child proof" cabinet locks would work?

    (Side note: my will-be-18 in 2 weeks son was struggling to get a cap off a "child-proof" med bottle yesterday. As every child I've come across can get these caps off, yet most adults can't, I pointed out to him that this is the true test of becoming an adult: not being able to remove child-proof caps.)

    Jennifer
     
  13. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    2,127
    Doncaster
    I've had an absolutely excruciating couple of days, nearly culminating in me becoming violent.

    Newly purchased mobile phone in medical waste bag, electric plugs and sockets bought for new kitchen layout at bottom of garden in nettle patch, all the screws for the cutrain rail completely disappeared.

    The suitcases with the zip fasteners seems to be working for the food, tins and usual pantry things. Think I'll change my TP name to "Man in a Suitcase".

    I, honestly, am about at the end of my usually inexhaustible patience and am seriously thinking of opening the door of the nearest day care centre, pushing Jean through, and sodding off to let them get on with it.

    I am now drinking too much and smoking too much. Fed up and far from home.
     
  14. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Grommit, it sounds horrendous. What did SS say when they assessed you? Surely they can provide more in the way of supervision while you're out.

    Did you have a carers assessment? (you may have said, but I've forgotten). If not, you have to demand one. It sounds like a situation for Crossroads to come in, but you'll only get them via carers assessment.

    Sorry if you've already been down this road, but it's all I can think of at the moment.

    We missed you in tea room!

    Love,
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,569
    Kent
    Dear Grommit

    Perhaps you should seriously consider day care for Jean even if it doesn`t meet your standards.

    You certainly sound at the end of your tether and who wouldn`t be. She is obviously not up to being left on her own, as she`s causing too much chaos.

    At least, in day care, you would find the house as you left it, rather than have to watse time and energy putting right her disruption.

    That you are overdoing the alcohol and nicotine won`t benefit either of you.

    Don`t you think the time has come................

    With love xx
     
  16. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Never having been in your situation I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel.

    Poor Jean, it really is not her fault, and you would need the patience of a saint to put up with this day after day.

    Only you can make the right decision, but take it from one who really knows (the answer does not lie in the bottom of a glass) Been there, done that, but it only dulls the edges and clouds your judgement.

    Thinking of you, love n'hugs
     
  17. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    2,127
    Doncaster
    Thanks everyone. Off to bed now in a somewhat befuddled state.
     
  18. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    2,127
    Doncaster
    Had good nights sleep and a good think.

    I had forgotten the first rule of caring which is to alter your lifestyle to fit in with the progression of the disease. As the disease progresses you need to change your lifestyle to fit in with it.

    No more routines, change everyday if necessary. Hard work sometimes, especially when part of your routine is a favourite bit. As a friend of mine once said, "If caring was easy, somebody else would be doing it for you".

    I thank you all for the advice and the support over the last couple of days and I think I;ve cracked it.

    Nothing missing today but i am having a right old giggle trying to remember where I hid everything.
     
  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,569
    Kent
    Hi Grommit, what a difference a good night`s sleep makes. :)

    Good to see the humour`s restored. ;)
     
  20. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Not totally sure about that!:rolleyes:
     

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