1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Well, averaging three hospital appointments a week at times for mum's sundry undiagnosed and unproven aches and pains, trying to protect my son from her rejecting and verbally abusing her own grandson, nearly losing my job, causing stress between me and hubby who’s got health problems himself…. her expecting everything of me/us…….

    This evening I am told…. ‘You don’t need to come tomorrow, my sister’s coming.’ Yikes, wasn’t that / isn’t that my aunty? Isn’t she supposed to have some feelings for me?

    All’s well with the world. Karen isn’t needed (not at least until Monday when we see the gastro-chap again - and who’s going to take her to THAT appointment?)

    Said sister ‘descends’ less frequently than a blue moon, with suitably polished halo, at whim, when she sees fit. I will hear nothing for the next six months but how wonderful the butterfly cakes were….. unless ‘Halo sister’ descends again before then ...…

    Let’s hope tomorrow she (Halo Queen) will not arrive with tins of ‘WeightWatchers’ baked beans as she did three months ago (last time she bothered to visit) because they were on offer in the supermarket, neither realising that mum desperately does NOT need to lose anymore weight, nor is she capable of opening a tin……

    Sunday, I will pick up the pieces……(discreetly remove the ‘WeightWatchers‘ goodies) …... and take all the flack for how hopeless I am as a carer…..

    Sorry, just had to get that off my chest,

    Hmmpphhh... thanks for listening,

    Karen (TF) :(
     
  2. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    #2 Norman, Jul 28, 2006
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2006
    Karen
    In every family there is one who is least seen who when they arrive they are greeted like the best thing since sliced bread
    rise above it.
    Norman
     
  3. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Cheers, Norman!

    Thanks so much for that!

    Will remind myself tomorrow that sliced bread generally comes with lots of artifical additives and preservatives, packaged for marketing purposes - and cellophane wrapped for protection!!!!!

    Yeast must come from the heart!!!!

    You're so right! Let 'them' get on with it ...... I'm already looking forward to a 'day off'!!!!! :)

    Love, thanks, Karen, x
     
  4. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    I well remember the numerous doctor's appointments, at ridiculously inconvenient times. Although my mother knew I worked in the afternoons and evenings, she kept arranging things for times that meant I had to cancel work that I couldn't afford to lose. I am self-employed, so I can't take time off, if I cancel the money is lost for ever.
    Mum also had a different doctor to us, not in the village, where parking was straight forward, but in the next village where parking was difficult and it was hard to get morning appointments. I'm afraid that having had a year or so of running around after Mum and not taking on new work, because I couldn't cope with anything extra, I now have less than half the work, that I had a few years ago. Our finances are feeling the pinch!
    Caring for someone who isn't rational is not the easiest thing in the world! Every time you think that you've sorted things out, something changes and you've got to sort it all out again.
    I hope things look brighter for you tomorrow Karen, I think everyone here is in the same boat. Now Mum is in the NH, the problems are just different, but still there, although at least I'm not alone any more, because the NH staff can help me. I suppose at least you can't get bored, if you have a relative with dementia!
    Take care, best wishes,
    Kayla
     
  5. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hiya Karen

    I learned the hard way that when you have a good heart people will always take advantage and i know that you do have a good heart!

    My mum does not have A.D. she is a fit 76 year old and i take her everywhere, even though i work 7 days a week............clothes shopping, food shopping, holidays, days out, hospital appointments etc, etc,..........i am also the first one she has a go at whenever she feels in the mood................on the other hand, my brother who lives 5 miles away visits twice a year...........xmas and birthdays!
    He is the model son and i am the one who does not care!

    Karen honey..............you are damned if you do..........and damned if you don't.
    Take the day off and spend it on yourself, you have earned it and deserve it!
    If they don't like it...................tough titty! (ooooops sorry!)

    Its not nice when you find that your efforts are not appreciated, but i for one appreciate your help and support and i'm sure many others on TP do too!

    So keep your chin up............ cos tomorrow is another day!

    Sending you a hug
    Love Alex x
     
  6. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    alex you are so right!
    thats exactly how i feel,
    your damned...............
    ive had a night off tonight and boy do i feel guilty even though ive been to visit mum nearly every day this week, i hate having to make the choice between my family(partner, kids) and mum and dad cos whoever i chose, someone always gets left out.

    enjoy your day off karen at the end of all this you know you can look back and say i did my best
    all your sister can say is at least i bought her beans:eek:
    take care x
     
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Yes, I got used to the fact that other people CHOSE for themselves when to visit my mother, when I was the one who got summoned and sent away.
     
  8. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Thank You!

    Well, where to start????

    Manners first! Thank to everyone for all their private and public messages of support on this… felt like I’d thrown a little ‘toddler tantrum’ there for a mo!

    Next, why the hell am I here on TP when I’m having a day off? Because I haven’t run round like the proverbial chicken as I usually do on a Saturday….. The phone hasn’t been ringing … and quite, frankly, I’m feeling a bit ‘lost’…..

    Day started off so well - decided to treat myself to something I haven’t enjoyed in months….. wicked, naughty and deliciously decadent - a lie-in!!!!! (Sorry, if that’s made a lot of people envious!) Shopped, not the usual supermarket dash - cleared the ironing pile….. (fireworks over Manchester tonight in celebration!) … what do I do now???

    Maybe this ‘episode’ has served to prove that ‘caring’ has taken over far more of my life than I had realised…… time to rework the ‘balance’ again…

    Best thing from today (selfishly) is that I gave the guilt monster a bit of a beating… been so looking forward to, and yet dreading, going away for a few days next week…. how could I ‘abandon’ mum? But after last night’s ‘rejection’ (how it felt) BY HER, I don’t feel so guilty about saying *I* (and my family) need some time away…

    Love and thanks all ….. overwhelmed by some of your comments….. wish my mum could know…… can’t believe how much I have missed her today - maybe I’m just worried she hasn’t missed me ….

    There are some amazingly lovely people on TP ... thank you!!!!

    Karen (TF), x
     
  9. PatH

    PatH Registered User

    Feb 14, 2005
    301
    N.Ireland
    Karen,
    Wish and hope your mum can see what those of us on this forum see!. Behind all the wit is a wonderful caring and loving daughter.
    You take care
    Pat
     
  10. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Karen.....Hmmm...thats given me something to think about!!!
    Make sure you relax and enjoy your few days away.....

    Love and hugs
    Wendy
    x
     
  11. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Hi Wendy!

    Yes, I think I realised how bad life is getting when I think 'getting to the bottom of the ironing pile' is worth a celebration!!!!!:D :eek:

    And I have it easy compared to so many here .....

    Cheers! (Well, didn't quite engineer the fireworks over Manchester - but DID find a corkscrew!!!!)

    Love all, Karen, (TF), x
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Don’t dread going away you deserve it :) have you organise who keeping an eye on your mum while you go away ? Where you going if you don’t mind me asking
     
  13. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    HI Margarita (again!)

    Course I don't mind you asking....

    We're off to the 'Lakes' - so lucky to be only an hours drive away from what I think is some of the most stunning, unspoilt, peaceful, beautiful, relaxing, wonderful ... oh, you get the idea......

    Relying on mum's neighbour this time round ....... couldn't live as we already do without her help ..... hugest chunks of Kendal Mint Cake coming her way......!!!!:)

    Will send you all a 'virtual sniff' of the stuff!!!

    Karen (TF), x
     
  14. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Karen
    I'm ashamed to say I've never been to the lakes.....we must make the effort.....We tend to go to Devon although we haven't been there for a few years now....but I do spend a lot of time driving mum around Derbyshire ,parts of which are stunning.... ...We've only lived here for 16 years and I'm discovering loads of places I've never got round to visiting before!!!!
    Today I plan to follow in your footsteps.....I nagged and nagged the boys to make the long perilous journey to the laundry basket yesterday,got it all washed and dried so I am now faced with the dreaded ironing basket....and yes ,I do understand, it'll feel soooo good when its done!!!!!
    Love
    Wendy
    x
     
  15. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    558
    Stow-on-the-Wold
    Hi Karen

    You have brought the memories flooding back. Me and Mary went to the lakes every year and just adore the place - just the two of us trudging the hills in rain and shine revelling in each others company and our shared appreciation of the stunning scenery etc. Sorry, have to end as tears are getting in the way.

    Dick
     
  16. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Karen
    you are off to our? favourite place ,the lakes.
    As a lad I was in a sea training school on the banks of Ullswater,there for about 18 months.
    Until the last 3 years we had been back every year,no more I am afraid.
    The last time we went and stayed at Great Salkeld we came home after 3 days.
    Too far now to risk that again.
    It makes me very sad to remember all those wonderful memories in that wonderful place, and to think that we will not see them again.
    Have a lovely holiday
    Norman
     
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Tender Face


    Oh Ok now showing how far I have been around England I only knows fulham /Hammersmith ...Blackpool the beach, Brighton beach, few other beaches in UK (Gibraltar)

    Where is the lakes:confused: ?
     
  18. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Sorry it makes you sad. I find I travel all over the world these days - via Google Earth!!!! - it's one way to see places you might not otherwise!:)

    Must go folks, shopping and hospital trips to fit in today before we finally make the 'Great Escape'......

    Take care all, Love, Karen (TF), x
     
  19. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Have a great time Karen, and drown that Guilt Monster if he dares to make an appearance!
     
  20. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    558
    Stow-on-the-Wold
    Hi Norman

    We must live in a parallel universe since our experiences are similar, particularly regarding the Lakes. We may not be with our loved ones physically in the Lakes again but I include below the last verse of a poem of Ewan MacColl which I hope gives you some comfort as it does me:

    Take me to some high place of heather, rock and ling
    Scatter my dust and ashes, feed me to the wind
    So that I will be part of all you see, the air that you breathe
    I'll be part of the curlew's cry and the soaring hawk
    The blooming milkwort and the sundew hung with diamonds
    I'll be riding the gentle wind that blows through your hair
    Reminding you how we shared
    In the joy of living

    Take care

    Dick
     

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