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Disintegrating when shown kindness

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by catbells, Apr 22, 2015.

  1. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    Sorry I`m here again. I used to be the carer, (of Mum and my son, until he got a lovely partner 6 months ago) I was the the "giver" for many years, we used to foster children and my son is adopted, and now people are being kind to me and I`m a mess. 5 1/2 wks ago I lost my Mum,physically, my friend my confidant was lost years ago , I was the centre of her world. My son and his partner took me out today to the shops, leaving my hubby sorting the garden, just I thought to the garden centre to buy garden stuff for both homes, they bought lunch,then took me on a mystery trip to an aquarium - they wanted to buy me some more fishes for my cold water tank. They want to make me feel better..... My neighbours and friends, checking am I ok....they want to make it better for me and its breaking my heart - not been in such floods of tears since Mum passed away on Mother`s Day. I`m not a good "receiver". New life for me? well I didn`t expect the horriblness of the physical reaction (posted re various infections/vertigo etc) and the kindness of others. Why am I so distressed? I don`t know yet, but I`m sure when I`m calm down the answer will come. Just had to let this out to someone.
    Heather x
  2. JackyJ

    JackyJ Registered User

    Mar 19, 2013
    Oh Heather, I'm really touched by your post.

    As a giver I totally understand, you can manage, keep the lid on your emotions, then someone is kind and it spills out. But, the hard thing is that it has to come out or your get ill. So big deep breaths, your son and partner are reaching out to you, and how lovely, but they won't get why your so upset.

    People, family, friends, loved ones around us will always try and make you feel better, it's as much as there way of coping, and you'd do the same.

    I'm not sure there's much I can say to take the hurt away, but listen to you. And when my mum passes I'll be the same, saying and feeling the same, with people trying to cheer me up. That's why we are on this forum :)

    Deep breathes and knowing your surrounded by people who care and love you.

    Big hugs (())
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    You have been overwhelmed with responsibilities which has left you fragile. I recognise that from earlier this year where I felt like an emotional jelly, a state previously unknown to me. When I was then given a few periods of volunteer help and a sympathetic ear or two I just crumbled. I did a lot of crying which again is not my style but I have come out the other side and feel a lot better.

    I hope that soon you will too. Good wishes.
  4. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    Thank you Jacky for your kind words My body is already in the middle of a "crash", since Mum passed, cold sores/ water infection, inner ear infection causing severe vertigo last week. Still recovering tho the medication has finished, still a little unsteady in the mornings, but I feel the infection is still not clear. I think you are right, I may preach to others about letting it all out, allow the tears, but I can`t always do that. The grief cry comes and goes within seconds, without a trigger, but yesterday it all came from my toes upwards all evening!! I know I need to rest my body and mind,but putting it into practice is harder than I thought.
    I thought the experience of witnessing Mum`s decline of the years would stand me in good stead, always changing my mind set to cope, saying the words, I will cope when she`s gone, is completely different to the actual. Does this make sense.
    Today I plant new life into my veg garden, enjoy a head massage this afternoon and go to my tai chi group lessons tonight for some physical meditation. My hubby quietly supportive but concerned re my health, I keep saying, it`ll take time, - it`ll take as long as it takes. We need to be patient and all will be well eventually.
    Bye for now Jacky, take care
    Heather x :)
  5. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    East Coast of Australia
    Yes, death leaves us exposed to all the emotions we think we have successfully buried, but emotions buried have a way of becoming alive again and so the cycle goes on. If I want to cry i sit and watch a sad movie and howl to my heart's content and then feel so much better. At 2 1/2 years past my husband's death. two months less for my mother I still have emotions overwhelm me sometimes. My advice is just be kind to yourself and cry when you need to, then go and have a warm shower put on some thing comfortable and go on with life as best you can.
  6. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    Thank you marionq, sunray and jacky. Such words of wisdom and experience, making what`s happening clearer for me. "Overwhelmed with responsibilities which has left you fragile" - this is I feel a brilliant description of the stage I`m at (still only almost 6weeks)
    Plus my close family also greiving for the loss of the MIL, Grandma, but also helping me, Mum re-emerge as the Mum they remember, without all the responsibilities of Gran.
    Thank you for this. I`ll keep these thoughts uppermost in my thoughts.
    Group hug!
    Heather xx:)

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