disaster

connie

Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
9,519
Frinton-on-Sea
Susan, understand your concerns, but Aunties 'fury' is probably masking her fear of the unknown. Yes, you have told her everything that is going on, but really is she retaining the information.

It is a softly, softly time for all of you. I do hope that everything settles down for your auntie. At least you have found a home that sounds suitable. (not always easy I know). Please let us know how things go. You can always visit here and have a moan to get things of your chest. Thinking of you, Connie
 

Sheila

Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
2,259
West Sussex
Dear Susan, difficult time for all of you. Your aunt is as Connie says, angry and of course confused, she can't understand what is happening so she covers it with anger, at herself, the situation and at you. My Mum used to do the same with anything she forgot or couldn't grasp properly. But it wasn't her fault, same as its not your aunts fault, nor is it yours, its the dementia. She will settle down given time, but it looks like it will be a rough ride for you for a while my love. Try not to take it to heart, thats easier said than done I know, but its all I can suggest. Sending you a great big hug, be strong and let it go over your head. (The anger I mean, not the hug! :D ) Love She. XX
 

daughter

Registered User
Mar 16, 2005
824
Hi Susan, I also hope you Aunt settles soon, it may take a while. Just a quick tip, my Dad often starts looking for money in his pocket to pay for the food in his home. We just keep telling him that "everything is free here" and when the penny finally drops (ha!) he is very happy to know this. "Is it? That's good!"
 

susan.wisdom

Registered User
Oct 8, 2005
20
My aunt will have been in the nursing home for 3 weeks on Friday and her anger about being there is not subsiding. My mum and I have been visiting her regularly, we make sure that she has someone at least 5 days a week, perhaps this is too much. When we visit the only topic of conversation is 'when am I going home' several times during that visit. She gets really cross that the doctors can decide that she can go home, even when we say it is because she won't be safe, due to her diabetes, she says she doesn't want to be safe! She talks about ending it all and how can i get to walk under a bus. She has now been prescribed anti-depressants to try to lift her mood, but it is just because she can't go home. She has lost all interest in crossword, reading and just stares blankly at the telly.
She says she has stew for evey meal (we know she doesn't) and even when they give her her favourite, bacon & eggs, she says she doen't like it for no other reason that she didn't cook it herself. She says she hasn't seen a doctor since she has been there but she did last week when I was there, and he reinforced the fact that she can't go home.
Am I right to decide to reduce my visiting to say, once a week, I feel selfish, but I really grinds you down, the same story over and over again. My mother also want to reduce her visiting, but again feels guilty, she will be 81 herself this year and has my dad, who is 84, to help look after aswell. I tell her she still has her own life to lead as well and my aunt just doesn't seem to appreciate the visits.
Sorry to go on, but any advice welcome.

Susan
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,972
Derbyshire
You have done very well so far and neither you nor your mother should be so restricted. One or two visits by each of you every week seems to me to be more than enough. Has she any family other than you and your mother? Has she any friends to top up your visits? Hope you soon get a better routine going for yourselves. Take care. Best wishes BeckyJan
 

patriciacolliso

Registered User
Nov 23, 2005
20
london
susan.wisdom

hello i have my husband in a care home, he has been there for nine weeks now.i go to visit him every other day. each time i go, he asks when is he coming home, ive have had to make up little white lies all the time. i speak to him very gently about it and i say to him that it will be soon. that usually makes him better.i know it can drive you round the bend. cannot you both take it in turns every day to go to visit. so that way you get a days rest every otherday. its makes you feel better and able to cope. hope this helps. take care. from patricia.
 

susan.wisdom

Registered User
Oct 8, 2005
20
unfortuanately my aunt is a spinster so has no family of her own and my mother and I moved her from Somerset when she started going down hill 7 years ago so she has not friends here as she was introverted and didn't go out & make friends. Where she was before, all her friends were just as old if not older anyway, so that would have been no better.
Susan
 

Stimpfig

Registered User
Oct 15, 2005
135
Germany/India
Hi Susan

I was thinking of your 81 year old mother who must be having a hard time indeed. I can't remember where I read about 'befrienders' or what it actually means but I presume it means someone will come to befriend the person who needs it ( pls. correct me if I am wrong)- surely, there are such volunteers/social workers/trainees who visit patients who have no relatives or friends. I have re-read your initial post wherein you mention that your aunt threw a stool at the social worker. She might not be able to do this to the befriender at the home, though; so it could turn out to be a good alternative for you . If you think this might be an idea, why not check with the Alz. society in your area.

Do take care of yourself.
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,972
Derbyshire
Help the Aged and Age Concern have befriending services around here - it might be worth giving them a ring. Also your local Alz Society may be able to give you a few leads on this. Best wishes BeckyJan
 

clare

Registered User
Oct 7, 2005
31
DEAR SUSAN

My mother has been in a care home since August and I am sorry to say that visiting is far too painful to do very frequently. Mum also demands constantly to be taken home, yet does not recall her home of 50 years only her childhood home, so the tasks would be impossible. She is very aggressive and violent to my elderly father (we usually visit together for moral support) yet when we are not there she is happy enough in her own world with her friends within the home. We only seem to frustrate her and ruin her routine. Although we would love to spend quality time with her we have to decide if we are disturbing and unsettling her more than improving her day.
Its hard to stay away but also sole destroying to visit and as always we want to do the best for our love ones. So I would try not to feel guilty if you do not visit your aunt as frequently, Phone calls to the care home to keep in touch when not visiting are also worth while.

Clare
 

connie

Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
9,519
Frinton-on-Sea
Dear Susan, I have a friend who was in exactly the same situation. In the end the care home advised no visits for a period of two/three weeks. This was very hard but it did help her mum to settle.

I cannot imagine how this must make one feel. I visit my Lionel every day, but thankfully he has not asked to come home.

Hang on in there, and take care of yourself, Connie
 

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