Disaster! care home drama continues.....

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Kerryblue, Oct 14, 2015.

  1. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    Please forgive rant or what ever this post is about to be....I don't know anymore. Within days I have gone from relief at last care home sorted, organised. Exhausted trying to get organised for mum's move even down to the clothing labels arriving today.

    Yesterday bed was bought, chased everywhere looking for a small double. Bedding, soft furnishings. Everything in her favourite colours. Home rang. We even dashed back there and agreed to a different room.

    At last I felt Mum would get the best care she could and the terrible worry and concern of her living alone with Alzheimer's would be lifted. At least we could TRY.....

    Today at her house assessment from home took place. I arranged for others to attend and did as was instructed. Took round lunch. Took mum flowers. Anything to stop her moaning. As soon as she found out lady was from assisted living place she was not happy. "Who sent you"? "How did you get here" "who are you"? I do everything for myself. She of course does not. Not a thing. She had no recollection at all of visiting the place a couple of weeks ago with me and having a lovely day. She blamed me for the visit. Called me a drama queen. She has even been using a stick and complaining she can't walk but as soon as assessor went to leave she leapt up,and forgot stick to get her to the door. "I shan't be leaving this house". "Won't you even give your family a rest"? Answer : "no".

    Came home exhausted. Hospital appointment for me... Six missed calls from mum. Daughter also numerous calls. " I am lonely. I have not seen a soul for days. " I a am so miserable".

    I email home to explain that we will need the help of my daughter to get her to stay there next week as she listens to her. Email home with correct version of her living or rather daily existence. Brother who has been good with her while I have been ill backs up my email.

    By the time I sit down tonight receive message to say brother does not think we can force her there even though I have written letters confirming she needs 24 hour care from her two specialists that diagnosed her.

    Don't blame brother. It's a big responsibility having lasting power of attorney. He clearly feels guilty and wants to get deposit back tomorrow and cancel everything.

    I now feel sick to stomach. She cannot go on as she is. Brother also writes to home admitting she cannot last alone more than three days. I can't cope anymore. Too ill myself and trying to recover.

    I believe NO ONE wants to go in home. Brother says what we are doing is illeagal and we need need THREE medical people to put in writing to get her there.

    He wants to withdraw everything. Get refund and let her relatives from abroad visit now.
    I know she will be happy and looked after one in said home. It is lovely. I feel leaving her to live alone is dangerous. So where to turn.

    Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Brother says he is cancelling everything with home. So she will lose lovely room with great views etc and carry on until she has an accident or worse. She has already fallen.

    I feel alone. Back to square one. Daughter is only one she listens to. I still think we should give it a go next week and tell her honestly we can't cope and she needs to try it.

    I feel all effort and everything has been for nothing. Don't know now what home will say. Will have to wait to see what tomorrow brings. Do NOT agree with just trying to ignore problem and let her get worse alone at home where she unsafe.

    Is what we are trying to do illegal How can I overcome this before next week. What more can I do. I don't want any arguments as my brother I believe is doing what he thinks is right. He has cold feet and after all feels guilty.
    I have passed that stage. I feel guilty if she burns down the house or falls or worse. I think we have a duty to get her the best care we can.

    She does not know herself what the problem is. She has no insight and has always been incredibly selfish.

    Just feel so sick and at a loss. It is 1 am. Wish there was a magic sleepless lawyer out there or some one who could just help. Surely we have to TRY?

    I warned you. This is a rant. Cannot even think about sleep. Is there anyone out there with opinions or help. Thank you......... Sigh.
  2. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    Hi Kerry,

    Welcome to TP.

    What a difficult spot you are in at the moment. It's fine for your brother to say that he will pull the plug on the arrangements but what is he going to put in place? Your mum is clearly unsafe living alone, so something has to be done to keep her safe.

    I don't know where he has got the idea of 3 doctors, that is not something I have heard. To section somebody needs a SW and 2 mental health doctors, but that's not where you are going.

    There is nothing illegal in making sure someone is safe, particularly if they are unable to make a good decision for themselves, which I would assume your mum is unable to do, by the way POA is in place. The attorneys role in all of this is to make sure that the best decisions are make for mum, with her best interests at the core of such decisions.

    Ok, so the doctors feel she needs full time care, and your daughter can make mum see sense. That must surely be the solution. It would be good to know that everyone was pulling in the same direction, ie, looking after mums health, safety and welfare. If your daughter can talk to mum, and maybe go with her to the care home, the nice the arrangements are in place.

    I do understand how hard this all is, I was in a similar situation with my MIL a few years ago. I hope things get sorted in the next few days. Please keep posting. I'm sure someone will come along with good advice.

    Jan x
  3. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    Wise words

    Jan I am amazed you are awake and answered me. Thank you for your time and wise words. Everything is so much worse in the dark hours!! I don't know the rationale either of this latest development but of course everyone is entitled to their opinion and as I said its not easy for my brother either but we have come so far and we have a duty of care to ensure mum is SAFE. Thank you again. A massive help. Let's see what tomorrow brings. Take care and goodnight. I am waiting for the birds to start singing. I guess that will be soon!
  4. In a Whirl

    In a Whirl Registered User

    Feb 23, 2015
    Hi Kerry,
    Just to let you know I'm keeping you company tonight waiting for the birds to start singing. If I see another Saga advert with senior citizens sailing off in the sunset I swear I shall throw something at the TV.
    We all may face different problems but are united in lack of sleep.
  5. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    Night time blues

    Oh no! I don't want want to see another roulette wheel, advert for a NutraBullet or an X hose. I'm debating whether to go and fetch one of the newly acquired heavy based saucepans that are now all over the back seat of my car from mums. We had to remove these today as they are not hers apparently. With this I can wack myself over the head, get a few hours sleep and miss the noisy arrival of more geese flying in to remind us how cold it is going to be.

    I wish you sleep and peace. X you are not alone!!
  6. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Hi Kerry
    You don't say if you're in the UK or not and even within the UK which bit (as it does matter scot, welsh). I'd be tempted to "throw the keys in the middle" and ask your brother to take charge of the whole thing. It sounds like you're trying to do it all right so what's his problem; spending the money, is it cheaper to let you and your daughter do all the work?
    It might sound hard but as your brother has LPA then tell him you're going to walk away from the situation and ask him to put in a total care package to the level you're doing, tell him you're moving to France or Spain, don't be a doormat or a "victim". Sure he has the POA, but it's not a POA over you, kick back (I can suggest where) and see what happens.
    Harsh as it may sound "Don't blame brother. It's a big responsibility having lasting power of attorney." NO IT ISN'T it's a hell of a lot less difficult than doing what you're doing which is trying to help, not sitting in the background like some "inheritance grabber", less we spend the more we get and that sounds like what's going on her Kerry. I'm with you.
  7. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    T-wit t-woo, another night owl here! :)

    Could you ask your brother to wait to hear what the CH assessor has to say, following today's visit? Please ask him not burn any bridges. Such a lot of work has gone into setting this up that it would be a shame to act hastily and then regret it.

    Remind him of the repeated phone calls: "I am lonely. I have not seen a soul for days. "I am so miserable". This tells you that she is frightened and lonely and cannot cope alone any more. She needs company and reassurance 24/7. What does he suggest happens instead of the CH? As you have identified, prolonging the inevitable just puts her in more danger and makes all of you unhappy. Has he got a different plan? If not, then he must be brave for her sake.

    May I offer your brother my OH's perspective, as another son with POA who had to make this decision for his mother? 2 years on he still feels guilty, and very sad, that his mum is in a CH, because it is not what she would have every wanted. However, he is absolutely certain that it IS the best place for her. Wants v needs. That's the dilemma for him, the responsible adult, and not something that his mum can decide for herself. Please tell your brother that placing his mum in a CH isn't a punishment. It is an increase in her care, in order to meet her growing needs.

    OH and I continue to discuss that impossible topic "is there any other way?" For us, even if we won the lottery, transferring his mum back into a private home with carers would be worse for her than living where she does now. She wouldn't understand things any better and would be deeply resentful, and probably frightened, in what would always be an unfamiliar place. At least in the CH she more or less accepts the care regime and daily timetable. As time goes on, the enclosed life of the CH has becomes for her a sanctuary. The outside world is now too confusing and dangerous.

    As with small children, daily routine and constant reassurance brings MIL comfort. Does your brother have children? If he does, or has worked with children, he may be able to identify best with that analogy. It's not that his mum is a child, but many of her physical and emotional needs are childlike.

    Katrine x
  8. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    Hi Kerry, I hope you managed some sleep in the end, and that today doesn't look as bad as it felt last night.

    Try to talk to your brother today and find out what he plans as an alternative to the care home, as mum needs help.

    I would also contact the home to see how the assessment went, but not mentioning no any of your on earns. Maybe they can see no problem and are used to people "objecting" to moving in with them.

    Good luck for today, and keep posting. Jx
  9. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    I agree with the others.

    Yes it is clear your mother needs more care than you can now provide.
    If brother wants to cancel, fine, just make him totally aware that ALL care for your mother is his responsibility, you are stepping down completely!

    Yes you will feel bad about putting her in a home, it will take time for her to settle (3-9 months) but when you see her well fed, clean, smiling, putting on weight (or off if needs be) you will all be thankful, you made the right decision.

    As have many here, been there, done that, got the tee shirt.
    My father 4 years down the line, happiest I've ever seen him.

  10. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    I'm with Bod on this, s/he's put it in a nutshell. Please have the courage to step away, after facing brother down on this, he sounds pretty controlling, am I right?
    Sadly, sometimes there has to be a real crisis for the difficult one to get the message.
    But he won't if you keep stepping into the breach.
    Many, many of us have had to force our parents into care, in the interests of keeping them safe. We hear your desparation. Courage!
  11. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    Kerry - if your brother decides to bail on the CH care for your Mum, it'll take a hoo-hah of a battle to get it all started again, should he decide to try. If it's gone as far as actually getting a care home to move into, and doing an assessment - then there's a change of mind, the next time anyone shouts for help, there won't be many ears willing to listen.

    He must not deny care to your Mother if she needs it. As has already been said, I also don't 'get' the illegal bit either. You're only trying to make your Mum safe. If she were left alone and there was a dreadful accident, (and that doesn't even bear imagining), then there'd be something to really feel guilty over.

    Don't bail. Get help. Please. For all your sakes.
  12. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    Once again thank you everyone

    So appreciate everyone taking time to answer and help me through the night and today been so busy. Trying to get sorted. All change!

    Sent reasonable email to brother this morning. TIP : Never reply on impulse sleep on it!!!
    As did my lovely daughter. Brother just worried and guilty. We are back to plan A. Daughter who has BEST relationship with mum is physically going to take her next week.
    Mum has already forgotten every bit of assessment that took place yesterday. Brother has been with her today and staying tonight.

    Not heard from home today today but that is OK I hope. No news is good news. So much worry but We all know what feels like the biggest betrayal is for the best. Thank you again. Too tired to write more. Still not sure how to physically LEAVE her. But as she has already forgotten assessment and explained to her why she needs to be there not sure what else to say or do. Going to pack for her while daughter takes her out on Sunday. That is going to be hard. Will spend the Monday getting room ready and full of her fav things. Now for sleep I hope. Xx
  13. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Glad all is back on track and you are all united in supporting your mother.
    Have a good night's sleep.
  14. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    Glad to hear that things are still moving forward for you and your mum
  15. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    Oh, thumbs up, Kerry. Really feel for you all and so glad the original plan is going ahead. If it's any help to you, my hubby has been in full time care for almost five months and is doing extremely well. The people who are looking after him are a fantastic bunch. I wish I could pay them what they are worth to me.

    All the best to you. Will keep looking in, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  16. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Well done

    Well done!
    Give your brother a hug!

    It will take several months for improvements to be seen, then it all will have been worth it.

  17. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Oh Kerry, I'm so glad to read that you and your brother are back on the same page! And your lovely daughter too :)

    This is an awful process. I went through it with mum a couple of months ago. I don't really feel guilty ( or not all the time :rolleyes:), because I know mum needed the full time care. What I do feel is an overwhelming sadness that all this had to happen. But as others have said to me, there was nothing we could do to hold back the progress of dementia. All we could do was look after mum, and that's what you are and your loving family are doing for your mum.

    Well done! Sending you ((((hugs))))

    Lindy xx
  18. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    I am so pleased Kerry that everything is back on track. I can understand your brother's reaction, because it's a huge responsibility to take on for someone else, and he wants to make sure he's doing the right thing, especially when mum says she doesn't want to go. she tells you that she's fine, but sometimes, we have to look beyond that and realise that actually, mum isn't safe. IN the Ch she will have people around her at all times.

    Good luck x

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