So far the most helpful advice I have received both when I was caring for mum and after she died has come from this forum so I am hoping, for my sanity, you can help me again. When mum died a month ago I felt deep sorrow at losing her and a little relief that she was no longer suffering. I cried most of that day and then most evenings for about a week. I worried about her being kept at the hospital whilst the paperwork was being sorted out and, although I couldn't remember the pre-dementia mum I could still picture mum in my mind from when she was admitted into hospital. Then, as with everyone the usual duties after a death had to be done and I had a sense of purpose as I arranged her funeral and let people know. During that time and up to last week I was also having to collect her things from the care home, sort out her belongings at home and, because we needed to clear the loft, rearrange the furniture so we had a room to put things in. This was all because I do not know whether I am going to be allowed to stay in the flat I shared with mum whilst I cared for her 24/7 over the last five years. As I was going through mum's things I had a sense of mum being near and I felt connected to her. This gave me strength and I started making enquiries about how I could make myself employable again after my period of absence and started trying to build my circle of friends by joining a walking and cycling group. I had become very isolated during my last two years of caring for mum at home. So in summary I felt I was coping with grief well and in a pretty good place to try and reestablish a life after caring with the knowledge that mum was very firmly in my heart and therefore despite feeling a great loss I was trying to move forward whilst acknowledging my need and right to grieve. However, everything changed last week. All the sorting has been done, just waiting for a charity to collect what we do not want to keep. All my enquiries have been answered with advice that I should give it a few months before thinking about returning to work or even thinking about how to return to work and I still have no idea whether I am going to be told to leave the flat. In addition, since I collected mum's ashes last Thursday I seem to have lost any feeling of her. I have a large photo of her sitting in a prominent place in the lounge but I have no feeling when I see it. I cannt picture her in my mind at all without seeing this photo and, whereas I thought having mum's ashes home would help me feel her presence in some way I appear to have lost all feeling. I decided this wasn't right, especially as I wasn't feeling this before so I contacted Cruise who apparently do not cover my area. They did however give me a number of a local bereavement service who I contacted yesterday and who were going to call me back with an appointment yesterday or today. They haven't. This has started a black cloud to develop and my thoughts have turned totally negative in the mode of no one ares about me now that I am no longer a carer (not that they did much when I was but I had purpose then), and no hope for the future. I understand that one month is very early in the grieving process and I understand that sometimes grief can make us numb but why is it getting worse as time goes on. If I can't get counselling I am afraid that I am going to lose the plot completely, or am I being irrational, I just don't know anymore.