Disappearing into a black hole!

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by MollyMae23, Apr 16, 2015.

  1. MollyMae23

    MollyMae23 Registered User

    Jan 7, 2012
    40
    So far the most helpful advice I have received both when I was caring for mum and after she died has come from this forum so I am hoping, for my sanity, you can help me again.

    When mum died a month ago I felt deep sorrow at losing her and a little relief that she was no longer suffering. I cried most of that day and then most evenings for about a week. I worried about her being kept at the hospital whilst the paperwork was being sorted out and, although I couldn't remember the pre-dementia mum I could still picture mum in my mind from when she was admitted into hospital.

    Then, as with everyone the usual duties after a death had to be done and I had a sense of purpose as I arranged her funeral and let people know. During that time and up to last week I was also having to collect her things from the care home, sort out her belongings at home and, because we needed to clear the loft, rearrange the furniture so we had a room to put things in. This was all because I do not know whether I am going to be allowed to stay in the flat I shared with mum whilst I cared for her 24/7 over the last five years.

    As I was going through mum's things I had a sense of mum being near and I felt connected to her. This gave me strength and I started making enquiries about how I could make myself employable again after my period of absence and started trying to build my circle of friends by joining a walking and cycling group. I had become very isolated during my last two years of caring for mum at home. So in summary I felt I was coping with grief well and in a pretty good place to try and reestablish a life after caring with the knowledge that mum was very firmly in my heart and therefore despite feeling a great loss I was trying to move forward whilst acknowledging my need and right to grieve.

    However, everything changed last week.

    All the sorting has been done, just waiting for a charity to collect what we do not want to keep. All my enquiries have been answered with advice that I should give it a few months before thinking about returning to work or even thinking about how to return to work and I still have no idea whether I am going to be told to leave the flat. In addition, since I collected mum's ashes last Thursday I seem to have lost any feeling of her. I have a large photo of her sitting in a prominent place in the lounge but I have no feeling when I see it. I cannt picture her in my mind at all without seeing this photo and, whereas I thought having mum's ashes home would help me feel her presence in some way I appear to have lost all feeling.

    I decided this wasn't right, especially as I wasn't feeling this before so I contacted Cruise who apparently do not cover my area. They did however give me a number of a local bereavement service who I contacted yesterday and who were going to call me back with an appointment yesterday or today. They haven't.

    This has started a black cloud to develop and my thoughts have turned totally negative in the mode of no one ares about me now that I am no longer a carer (not that they did much when I was but I had purpose then), and no hope for the future.

    I understand that one month is very early in the grieving process and I understand that sometimes grief can make us numb but why is it getting worse as time goes on. If I can't get counselling I am afraid that I am going to lose the plot completely, or am I being irrational, I just don't know anymore.
     
  2. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    It's possible that you had so much to do (funeral arrangements/sorting the flat etc) that you simply didn't have time to THINK. My dear Husband passed away last December and between doing the vast amount of paperwork, and a funeral that didn't happen for a month, I was living on adrenalin. Then when it's all over it can really hit you. I've felt worse this last month than I did before-reality hits you when you least expect it. It's horrible, it's sad and it's heartbreaking. You also have uncertainty over your living arrangements and surely that can't be helping you.

    I'm sorry I'm not giving you much encouragement but people say the first year is the worst-so many anniversaries to go through. It's been four months and 7 days since Pete passed and it was only 5 days ago I haven't slept with his ashes next to me in bed.

    You are NOT being irrational but please phone that bereavement service again-it's possible the message didn't get through-and, of course, keep posting here for support.

    Take very good care of yourself

    Lyn T XXXX
     
  3. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Early days, Mollymae - I still count the weeks since my darling husband died - fourteen tomorrow - can't believe where the time has gone but I have found the best way to keep the black clouds of depression at bay is to be keep active - making myself garden, walk the dog, housework, watch the television, read a book, going out with friends, all the things I did before the dreadful dementia struck. Some days I am defeated but try to keep a sense of proportion about my feelings - grieving is so normal and everyone reacts differently to the passing of a loved one. Be kind to yourself, cry if you feel like it, shout and scream but try not to bottle up sadness, resentment or bitterness that your Mother died the way she did. The feeling of her nearness will come back to you I am sure - all the aemotions you have expressed are normal in bereavement. Concentrate on sorting out your living and working arrangements but most of all - give yourself time. Thinking of you and sharing your sadness WIFE
     
  4. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    Hi Mollymae as others have said it is early days. I am not sure if you feel like reading at the moment but a friend suggested a book to me that helped in my hour of need. It was called a Grief Observed by C S Lewis. Unfortunately, I have lent my copy to someone otherwise I could have a mailed it to you. It could well be available in a local library so you can skim it to see if it might help.
     
  5. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    18,304
    Male
    North Manchester
  6. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,839
    Suffolk
    When my mother died ( suddenly) I went home and for the next fortnight was so busy sorting things out and dealing with everything and cooking - meals for my father, meals for the freezer for him, cakes for the many, many visitors, I had no time to think.
    Home again, some time later, I thought I'll make a rice pudding, now how long does it take in the oven? I'll phone m.u.m... As realisation crept in.

    When my husband was made redundant, he was fine for three months, then suddenly started with depression, and, if it takes 3 months for reaction from redundancy, how much longer for death of nearest and dearest?

    Go with how you feel, dont push it.
     
  7. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,958
    I found sometimes the house and the silence were too much to cope with. It helped me to get out and walk until I felt exhausted (crying if I felt like it). Maybe the same approach will help you a bit?
     

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