Dilemma over my mums husband

[PaddyJim]

I am hoping for a little bit of guidance. My mum died just over a year ago. I am just coming to terms with her loss but still miss her everyday. She had been in a CH for two years prior to her death. Her husband (my stepfather), she married him when I was 18 as I went to university and for almost all my adult life he was 'mums partner'. I never really viewed him as my 'dad'.

However, with mums diagnosis (she had VD) I supported her and assisted him as best as I could. He wasn't very supportive and towards the end of her life he only visited her infrequently. He doesn't even seem to have mourned her loss which upsets me. I also think had he being a more supportive and understanding man she wouldn't have had to go in the CH when she did as with appropriate support she could have stayed at home longer.

Now however, his own health has deteriorated and he is showing signs of confusion and is clearly in my opinion not capable of looking after himself. This is my dilemma, I want to help him but he has daughters from his first marriage whom never bothered with my mum and never visited her in the CH so now he needs help I am encouraging the social services to contact them rather than me (especially as I live 90 miles away from him). However, they are ringing me and expecting me to do more, like sort out a CH for him and deal with the sale of his house and frankly I am starting to resent them as I think they should be doing more. He is not my father and I don't see why I should have to do anything (although I do want to help but just cant do what they seem to expect)

I hope I am not coming across as being selfish, if I lived locally I would see him more often but quite frankly I want a life without having to worry about him.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.

PJ

 

[Beate]

Just tell them he's their responsibility and not yours, end of. What a cheek.

 

[LYN T]

I've no idea why they are contacting you.Have you Power of Attorney? If not then you have no obligation to your SF when he has daughters who are presumably next of kin?

I'm confused but suggest that you send them a strongly worded letter and state you will have no further communication with them.

 

[Bill Owen]

Feeling

i am hoping for a little bit of guidance. My mum died just over a year ago. I am just coming to terms with her loss but still miss her everyday. She had been in a ch for two years prior to her death. Her husband (my stepfather), she married him when i was 18 as i went to university and for almost all my adult life he was 'mums partner'. I never really viewed him as my 'dad'.

However, with mums diagnosis (she had vd) i supported her and assisted him as best as i could. He wasn't very supportive and towards the end of her life he only visited her infrequently. He doesn't even seem to have mourned her loss which upsets me. I also think had he being a more supportive and understanding man she wouldn't have had to go in the ch when she did as with appropriate support she could have stayed at home longer.

Now however, his own health has deteriorated and he is showing signs of confusion and is clearly in my opinion not capable of looking after himself. This is my dilemma, i want to help him but he has daughters from his first marriage whom never bothered with my mum and never visited her in the ch so now he needs help i am encouraging the social services to contact them rather than me (especially as i live 90 miles away from him). However, they are ringing me and expecting me to do more, like sort out a ch for him and deal with the sale of his house and frankly i am starting to resent them as i think they should be doing more. He is not my father and i don't see why i should have to do anything (although i do want to help but just cant do what they seem to expect)

i hope i am not coming across as being selfish, if i lived locally i would see him more often but quite frankly i want a life without having to worry about him.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.

Pj

hi do you have any strong feeling for him.or was it you just went a long for you mam.if so you hart will not be in it for him. He is not you resonsablty (.sorry im dis lixs so bear with me ) its down to his daugther to help him . But be carfull there is a house in vovle her which is part of you mams has well it will come into play later on if he has to go into a home .and his daugther my well be in volve then if you know what i mean . So be carefull .

 

[Kevinl]

Hi Paddy, welcome to TP
There was a similar thread as couple of weeks back (link below), please have a read through. It was pretty unanimously decided that the LA will always seek to push the problem to anyone who appears even vaguely interested in the person affected.
It might be worth looking into the financial side of things as if the LA do become involved there may be charges for this. If no one has a Power of Attorney and he lacks capacity them someone will have to go to the Court of Protection and become a deputy, this is a long involved process that will cost you in both time and money and it's an on going commitment to manage his affairs.
The daughters (assuming they may inherit) might want to thing what happens if he goes into self funded care at £1.000 a week!
K

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...e-deciding-aunts-future&p=1280894#post1280894