1. janjan

    janjan Registered User

    Jan 27, 2006
    229
    Birmingham
    Can anyone understand how i am feelng at the moment. Dad has just gone into a home last week. I have felt so depressed by this and have lost quite a bit of sleep, terrible mood swings and endless crying. Even though i feel that it was about 2 yrs ago that i came to terms with dads AD, just recently when i went to see him with mom at home i felt that i would go into their house and he would greet me as he used to prior to when he was ill. Because of this i am finding it hard to accept that he will no be coming home again. I went to visit him today and wanted to say to him, come on stop play acting, lets go home now, ive had enough of this dementia. Is this normal for me to be feeling like this? Or is it that i feel mom should have been able to cope with him longer at home. Though i know she was becomeing ill herself with the caring of him. He is in a nursing home. So i know he needs constant care. Anyone have any ideas about this? or am i just cracking up under the stress of the last week. :confused: Janet :confused:
     
  2. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    It's going to take everyone some time to adjust to the new situation and it is quite natural to be feeling as you are. Hopefully in time you will feel more at ease with the situation and will come to terms with things as far as you are able. My mum's been in residential care for nearly 2 years now (first in a care home and then a nursing home) and it isn't easy at first,but it does get easier.
     
  3. willemm

    willemm Registered User

    Sep 20, 2006
    41
    Hi janjan
    yes, I do know how you feel, having recently been through a similar problem myself. Having been married 62 years, the last 3 have been with a progressing state of dementia for my wife. I cared for her at home, with odd spells of respite, but a few weeks ago I realised it was too much for me, my own health was going downhill, and I wasn't coping with all the physical effort my wife needed.
    She went into permanent care 3 weeks ago, which I thought would benefit the two of us, but it is taking her some time to settle in although I visit her every day, and will continue to do so until she is more settled. However, the effect on me was much worse than I anticipated, feeling gutted, empty. Constantly reminded of her her absence and knowing how miserable she was feeling.
    The feeling of heartache was actually painful at times, ending up with a good cry which helped to relieve the feelings. This has slowly improved but it needs working at, by getting on with something to take the mind off its sense of wretchedness.
    Others have testified that it will gradually get easier to accept, and I can only suggest that you try to see through just one day at a time.
     
  4. perfectpatience

    perfectpatience Registered User

    Oct 3, 2006
    64
    Essex
    I so know the pain of leaving a loved one in a home that has dementia. My mother has now been in a care home for eight months and I will never forget the day I had to leave her for the first time. Her face alone will always haunt me...I could cry now thinking about that day. I visit her most days...and will admit some are worse than others...but the dull aching pain of how I miss my mum so much is always there. Iam at the moment having some counselling....I feel so guilty...should I have had her home with me? Why is she losing so much weight in the home? Is she unhappy? So many thoughts cross my mind. Sometimes I wish that god would take her as Im sure she knows she is ill....and I hate to see her like this so much. It is sometimes so comforting to know others are going through same or similiar circumstances....especially when you feel so alone.
     
  5. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    270
    England
    #5 blue sea, Oct 3, 2006
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2006
    Hi janjan

    Yes it does get easier as time goes on. I feel that every stage of the worsening of dementia takes you through a kind of bereavement process. You are losing a bit more of your loved one in terms of their closeness to you emotionally. Moving into a care home is necessary for many as the illness progresses as otherwise the family just cannot cope and the carer/s become ill. However it is a very tangible stage in the deteriorating condition and so is difficult to come to terms with. I would try to take each day at a time and concentrate on the small things that might make dad's life a little more comfortable. Perhaps making up a simple album of photos to talk to him about. Taking in small pieces of fruit, cakes or sweets. Playing a CD of favourite music. Even if the moment of recognition is very brief, it helps. Is he able to be taken out for a short walk or a drive in the car? it used to make me feel better in finding the very little things that made visiting more personal. I'm sure your mum is feeling bad too. She will have reached the end of what she can cope with but she will be feeling guilty. The burden of caring day and night for someone with dementia can be come unbearable. i know from personal experience.

    Good luck - we're all thinking of you.
    Blue sea
     
  6. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Janet

    It does hurt a lot when we have to admit our loved ones into residential care, but it does get easier.

    When Mum first went in I missed her horribly, I wept buckets and worried constantly about her. I still miss her 2 years on, but now I know she is OK, it just took time to trust others to look after her.

    As we got to know the staff at the home and our phone calls and visits settled into a routine, it was less of a worry than before. I still think about Mum every single day, without fail, I still sometimes feel like bringing her home, but I know she is settled and well looked after, so have learned to relax.

    She is and always will be my Mum, we have a totally different relationship now, but it is always lovely to see her and leave knowing she is in safe hands.

    Just give it time.

    Kathleen
     
  7. perfectpatience

    perfectpatience Registered User

    Oct 3, 2006
    64
    Essex
    I dont think Iam ever going to feel good or content leaving my mum in the care home (she has been there since January) I could cry every time I walk in the front porch of the place....and never know what to find before I see mum. A few years ago if she new what was going to happen to her I'm sure she would have wanted to end it then. This is what plays on my mind so much these days....and she is going down a slippery slope lately (having falls urine infections etc) I cant stand to see her going through it. I do try and keep strong for her....but I really think this pain is the worst I have ever been through. The worry and heartache having someone going through this awful disease is crusifying me. PP x x
     
  8. janjan

    janjan Registered User

    Jan 27, 2006
    229
    Birmingham
    Still ajusting

    Thanks so much to all your replies. Dad went in last thursday, because the way that he went into the home wasn't very nice, bit of a bobo through SS, it ment i had to do a lot of ringing them, and them ringing me, it ment my stress leavels must of reached the roof by the time he was actually setteled in. I know this was just a one off, just that a lot of things didn't go right on the day was the last thing i needed at that time. Mom is coping, but i'm waiting for it to realy hit her. She was so worn out, that i think it is such a relif for her at the moment to a least have a rest. I knew he would have to go in a home when she couldn't cope anymore, and she was looking so ill herself. Anyway by friday i think i had a bit of a breakdown. But i now know its because i have been there for them both and lived this horrendous journey with them. But saying that i'm so glad i have been there for them and still will be. I feel as if i'm going through a berevement and finding everyday things hard to do. My 15r old nagged me all week to go and see him. I did my best to try and persuade him to leave it for a while, but relented in the end. I hadn't realized how much it had affected him untill a couple of weeks ago, when he told me he wasn't able to get to sleep through worring about grandad. Anyway he only managed to see him for a few minuites before he became too upset and went outside. Iv'e told him to take things a day at a time, the way we all have to deal with life with AD. I'm busying myself with a photo album and mood board and lots of sewing name tags and Simon is going to help with the sorting of the photo's. Sorry this as been a long post, but needed to air my feelings at a sad time. thanks everyone, for your concern. :eek: Janet :eek:
     
  9. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi Janet, photo albums and mood boards certainly help.

    Lionel has only gone into respite for 4 weeks, but he took in with him 2 of his favourite albums. As he had a birthday just a couple of weeks ago, I pasted all his cards into another scrap book, together with some photos of the day, so he will have something to show the care staff.

    Take care of yourself,
     

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