1. Sandmann

    Sandmann New member

    Sep 12, 2019
    3
    Hi
    My father-in-law has dementia. My husband is his only child but he still has a stepdaughter. it is only me and my husband staying in the same town as my father in law. it is a long story but my husband never grew up with his father in the same house. they never had a good father and son relationship and now his father has dementia. my father in law was a very influential and dynamic man and is known by many people. my husband always saw his father as his hero although he was always on the outside of his father's life. it is very difficult for my husband to handle knowing his father has dementia and it is too late to sort out all the hurt of the past. we try our best but my father-in-law sort of pushes us away and does not want us to help him.
    how do we handle this and how do we handle the past that cannot be sorted anymore?
    he has a lady friend and it seems that she is the only one that he trust and she is the only one that he will accept help from.
    he does not want anybody to stay with him and he does not want to stay with anybody else. he says he wants to stay in his own house and on his own until the day he dies. he is 87 years old.
    he does not want me to prepare him food and he will come once or twice to have dinner at my house and then he tells me he can look after himself.
    he still goes to his business everyday....... nothing is going on there and he and this lady friend (she is 85 year and still working for him) only sits there and drink coffee the whole day.
    he is still driving but has no licence anymore (expired) and is a danger on the road to himself and other people.
    we don't know how to tell him that he cannot drive anymore.
    he is so stubborn and we do not know anymore what to do.
     
  2. MrsV

    MrsV Registered User

    Apr 16, 2018
    105

    Hi Sandmann,

    I'm sorry to hear your story, that's really sad for your husband, especially not being able to talk about it and finally draw a line underneath.

    I'm really concerned what you say about him still driving, and without a licence, and with dementia! As you point out he's a danger to all other road users and pedestrians alike. It's illegal to drive with dementia. Really you should take the keys off him, if you are able to. Or tell the police. How would you feel if he killed innocent people - and no licence means no insurance either. You could report him anonymously to the police.

    When Mum failed her memory test the assessor asked if mum drives, and she physically took mums licence off her, phtocopied it and notified DVLA. She told us it was illegal for Mum to drive with altzheimers.

    Good luck
    .
     
  3. Sandmann

    Sandmann New member

    Sep 12, 2019
    3
    we are really going to try and talk to him tomorrow at the latest. we realize what danger he is and it is our biggest fear that he will kill somebody else. we know it is illegal for him to drive but even the traffic officers are too scared to talk to him as they don't realize his condition but they refuse to renew his licence and he thinks it is their incompetence to do their work that is why he does not have a licence. we finally found a traffic officer that will work with us.
    we stay in a small small town in Africa and things are different here.
    thank you.....
     
  4. MrsV

    MrsV Registered User

    Apr 16, 2018
    105
    ,
    Hi Sandmann,
    Apologies I didn't realize you were in Africa. I was thinking in terms of typical UK towns.
    But surely the local village police could remove his keys from him, or remove the car. Perhaps if you called the police as a concerned family member and explained the dementia diagnosis, surely they couldnt ignore that. Sounds challenging. Best of luck to you.
     
  5. Vintagegal13

    Vintagegal13 New member

    Aug 29, 2019
    9
    I am so sorry you are going through this, and I didn't want to read and run - the first thing that springs to mind is his driving without a licence and the danger to himself and others. I would certainly make his doctor aware of the situation, and maybe he could be called in for a 'routine check up'. I realise his doctor will probably not speak to you without your father-in-law's permission, but your concerns could be put in a letter and handed in to the surgery.

    I am sure others will be along soon, with more help.
     
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,687
    Female
    South coast
    Its really common for people with dementia to not realise that they have anything wrong and they are unable to understand why you think there is - its actually a symptom of dementia itself. Because of this, trying to argue, or explain. or plead will do no good at all and will often either make them upset or more determined (Im guessing the latter in your FILs case lol!). My mum was convinced that she was doing all her own shopping, cooking, laundry and housework, when the reality was that she was doing none of it. This means that you often have to be quite sneaky in getting them to do things. If you invite him to dinner, for example, dont suggest its because he is having trouble doing things, say its because he is so revered that it would be an honour for you if he came to dinner. Can you work with his lady friend? If so, then make offers of help to her.
     
  7. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    586
    Female
    cornwall
    Hi.You can contact the DVLA anonymously.Explain the situation.Also his GP,but he doesn’t sound like he will listen to anyone..I would also inform the police anonymously as well as the car will be untaxed and uninsured.
     

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