Dear
@T1000
I have read through this thread and there has been a lot of helpful advice given. However the lovely people here are perhaps a little shy sometimes about spelling out some brutal points to consider, one especially. My comments from here onwards are meant with the best of intentions regarding you and your beloved mother.
1) You need to do a harsh analysis in your own mind about your relationship with your sibling. You are doing a wonderful caring job, the sibling is frankly part of the problem not the solution. This far and no further on loans, or claims your parents owe monies without real proof they do. Have you considered your sibling is a grown adult, but behaving with a child like sense of entitlement. Has the sibling considered the financial loss to your mother when it comes to care home costs most likely needing to be paid in the future?
You sound a lovely person, doing a very tough caring role. Time to bluntly tell the sibling the nature of your caring role, the very likely need to have to pay for care in the future. Ask where their concern is for mother’s welfare. I am sorry to say but your sibling really needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Do not fret over upsetting them, your role is caring for and protecting your mum as well as you can. Whilst caring for my own mum my two siblings were rocks of support to me, sometimes a little slow understanding how the illness was progressing. Looking back that was my fault as I took on the caring role fully, trying to allow mum to live as well as could be with gathering dementia, enjoying her time with them as largely as it always had been. Only as things got worse did they inevitably see dementia in its dreadful full colours. But they never failed to help me, particularly during the long year of COVID shielding before mum died. Your circumstances are very different and I suggest kindly a time has come when lines must be drawn, truth told, etc. As POA it goes with the role. Sorry that might sound harsh, but it is said with yours and your mum’s best interests in mind. When dementia arises it can bring the best out in family members, but also unfortunately the worst.
2) You indicate your mum may well go into a care home later this year. Let me try and save you some emotional pain. You have helped your lovely mum stay independent over recent years, which has involved sacrifices for you, your partner and child. That cost cannot go on being increasingly paid. The strains and emotional stresses will become to much. I cared for my mum for six years but it was a simple choice. I loved her but most importantly I had no partner or children to be concerned about. My choice, my responsibility and I was previlidged to care for my wonderful mum.
You have other demands to consider which complicates matters, but only up to a point. You have said yourself a line in the sand is approaching. Now here is some well meaning tough love. When your mum goes into care, no guilt feelings are allowed. Sadness yes, but not guilt. You have done really well getting this far. Your mum will be safe, her growing needs met. You can visit and return to the role of a loving, not care specific daughter. You will look out for her ongoing financial interests, that all is well in the care home, but day to day caring will end. You slipped into the caring role, now you can step back to a degree, relax knowing your mum is being looked after and as I say embrace being a daughter more fully again. Also get back to being a full time partner and mother. Please understand I am not criticising your current efforts on that front. Your caring role, reading between the lines, is straining you to breaking point. Tired, stressed, etc, other roles in your life are suffering through no fault of your own. There is a book written to guide carers called “The 36 hour day”. The title says it all.
Finally if ever you have moments of guilty feelings ask a simple question. Who cared for your mum, made sacrifices, fought her corner, etc, you or your sibling. Who demonstrated love as opposed to a sense of entitlement. Deep down you know the answers. Hold onto them. I close in hoping my words are accepted as direct but well meaning advice. I had bleak moments in my caring role, all carers do.
We need to stick up for each other, offer advice and support,etc, and this forum is great at doing that. It got me through many issues in my caring role, somewhere there was always a positive and helpful voice. When mum died I walked away for a while. TBH I was emotionally, mentally and physically very badly run down. I have decided in recent months to drop by from time to time. Whenever I see a carer struggling with the demands of the role, I will try and offer positive advice. Others helped me, now it is my turn where I can.
Hope my words can help in the coming months. My very best wishes for your future. Remember an old saying said to me by another carer in a care support group. You are part of the solution not the problem. In years to come you can look in the mirror and remember you did your very best for your mum and family. I suggest your sibling will find that rather hard to do.
