1. Rustyangel

    Rustyangel Registered User

    May 15, 2008
    5
    London
    I lost my lovely Dad in December after he had been 'eroded' by Alzheimer's for several years. Like a lot of people do, I lost myself in organising the funeral, then sorting out his financial affairs. I went back to work after only a few days and carried on as normal both there and at home. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I have recently hit a wall of grief and seem to spend most of my time thinking about Dad and missing him with every passing moment. It feels foolish to say to friends how much I am hurting after five months have passed and I am not close to the rest of my family so don't feel able to talk to anyone.

    Dad wrote a letter many years ago to be opened after his death which says that he didn't want anyone to be sad after he had gone. Now I can't stop feeling like Dad can sense my feelings and see what I am thinking all the time. I feel like I have let him down which is upsetting me further. I just wondered if this was a common sensation (this is my first family bereavement) or if I am just a bit peculiar?!

    Thanks for reading - it has helped a bit to let some of it out.

    Rusty
     
  2. Memori

    Memori Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    43
    I know just what you mean as I'm going through it myself, in fact I have hardly cried since my Mum died just over a month ago, but it is catching up with me now when I am not so busy and alone, I know she would not want me to be sad and in a way I am scared to give in to the tears, I still feel she is here with me and that is a comfort, but at other times I miss her so and for her to be here one minute and gone the next is a unreal feeling even though I knew she had to go, so no you are not letting him down, you are just letting your love out, I hope it gets easier for you and for me, try to remember the good times when you laughed together.
     
  3. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Dear Rusty
    My Hubby Ron, when his mum left him, he did not cry at the time.
    Because of Alzheimer's, he had lost her many year's before.
    Several month's later, we were in our village, he saw a lady, from behind she looked like his MUM, he cried.
    Cannot say anymore. Here if needed.
    Barb & Ron XX
     
  4. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Rusty,

    What your experiencing isn't surprising or peculiar everyone grieves in different ways. After death there is so much to arrange it almost seems like it is endless. There will be many times of reflection both sad and happy.

    Rusty, these words from your dad were meant for comfort to ease your pain you have not let your dad down or yourself. It does help to express your feelings and know that others understand so just keep posting when you feel the need someone will always listen. Take Care, love Taffy.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,568
    Kent
    Hello Rustyangel

    When people write these wishes for after their death, although they mean well they are really asking the impossible. No-one can do anything but grieve over the loss of someone who has been loved.

    Your father was trying to save you pain but it was a bit of a tall order. You must feel free to grieve, you are not letting your father down. It`s the most normal reaction following loss.

    Just let grief take it`s natural course and then you will return to good and happy memories.

    Love xx
     
  6. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Hello Rustyangel

    I think 5 months is no time at all. I would consider it early days and you must give yourself as much time as you need. It will change.

    As for your dad's wishes - I think it's a common thing for a loved one to want - no sadness. However, I like to think of it like they are now in a higher place and understand more than they did on earth - now he will understand what he could not understand and he will love you in your grieving.

    Love to you

    Helen
     
  7. twinone

    twinone Registered User

    May 19, 2008
    269
    england
    Hello Rusty

    I lost my husband 8 months ago and I am still grieving terribly. I still feel its early days yet.
    Because you loved your dad it would be impossible for you not to grieve, everyone is different so take on day at a time and cry as much as you need to, its not just crying for the loss of a loved one but crying for the man you knew and loved before he got this terrible disease.

    Best Wishes
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Rustyangel,

    So sorry to hear you lost your dad so recently.

    What you describe is absolutely normal after a bereavement. There is so much to do in the first week or so, taht you don't have time to think. Then you went back to work, and threw yourself into that, no doubt.

    But you can't suppress your feelings for ever, at some time they will force their way to the surface. That's what is happening to you now.

    Just give yourself time. Allow yourself to think about your dad, and cry as much as you need to.

    Don't worry about what your friends think. Perhaps you have a good friend whom you could explain things too and she would listen? Perhaps you could ask your GP for a few counselling sessions? Or you could ring Samaritans. There's always someone there to listen, you don't have to be suicidal. And you can visit TP at any time, there are plenty of listeners here.


    Don't worry about that, Rusty. Of course you are grieving for your dad, otherwise you wouldn't have loved him the way you did.

    I think your dad knew that you would be sad, because we are all sad when we lose someone we love. I suspect what he meant was that you shouldn't let your grief ruin the rest of your life. You are young, and your dad would want you to live your life to the full, and make him proud. You would only be letting him down if you let your grief prevent you from fulfilling yourself.

    You will carry your grief with you, perhaps for ever, but you have to be true to yourself -- and to him.

    Love and hugs,
     
  9. my little girl

    my little girl Registered User

    Aug 23, 2007
    35
    Burnley
    Hi Rusty

    I think Skye is right - it may be a cliche but time does have a way of healing the hurt. However, my beloved Grandma died 10 1/2 years ago & there are times that it still hurts & I don't think I can carry on. I recently felt like I had let my Grandma down in a big way but it was my "friends" here on TP who helped me to put it all in perspective.

    My advice to you is to greive for your dad and don't feel bad if there are times when you feel you are not complying with his wishes as laid out in his letter. I don't think my Grandma would want me to be sad but i'm sure that she would understand. I have no doubts that your dad is just as understanding about your feelings as my Grandma will be about mine.

    As Skye has said you may well carry your grief forever, but please take heart that whilst there may be bad days, they do get less frequent as the good days with the happy memories slowly start to take over.

    Another good tip is to do like I did - start a thread in memory of your loved one - and use it to talk to them like you used to. My thread to my Grandma has helped me a lot. It has released a lot of the hurt and love that I had been carrying in my heart for 10 years.

    Take Care

    My Little Girl
     
  10. Doyley

    Doyley Registered User

    Aug 7, 2008
    5
    Merseyside
    Hi Rustyangel,

    I know you wrote that months ago but I just had to say I lost my dad August 2007 and like you I went straight back to work after being very practical. Now I am really struggling.

    I miss him so much even though most of my more recent memories are marred by the dementia.

    I hope if you read this you are feeling a little better, I know people say it takes time, but how long for each of us varies.

    take care of yourself

    Doyley
     
  11. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Wise words ...

    Not only is dementia "the long goodbye" but we grieve twice, as well.
    Doyley, dig out some old family photos, pre-dementia. Reinforce your memories of the man he was in better times, share them with your siblings if you have them.
    Yes, they may spark tears, but happy memories too, to chase away the shadows.

    Best wishes
     
  12. Rustyangel

    Rustyangel Registered User

    May 15, 2008
    5
    London
    Hi

    Sorry I haven't been around for a while, I've been unable to access the internet. Thank you all so much for your replies, they really helped to put things into prespective. I feel a little stronger now and although I still miss my Dad terribly, I no longer feel guilty about grieving. You are so right Lynne that there are two lots of grieving to do and sometimes I struggle to remember the man before the illness. When that happens I try to remember feeling loved by my Dad which helps a bit.

    I really value everyones' words of support, thank you again.

    Rusty x
     

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