Difficult emotions coming to the fore

[Moglie]

I apologise in advance if my post upsets anyone, however I need to talk about this.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum, I think the technical word is co-dependent... my brother also knows 'what she can be like'...

My mum has always had ideas of grandeur and indeed in the past my parents were very wealthy but unfortunately lost their home and business in 1991 - they never really recovered from that to the level that they aspired too. They now live in a more than adequate two bedroom flat and drive a nice car - but you can tell my mum thinks this is not good enough. My brother and I have both done well for ourselves (we learnt from our parents mistakes!) and I think she is jealous of our success (we have both worked hard to get where we are).

I love my parents and it breaks my heart to see dad deteriorate in front of our eyes, he was diagnosed with heart failure 2 years ago and now Alzheimer's. My mum had a cancer battle in 2010 and despite having a urostomy, she was doing well. Now however, she has gone downhill herself and I'm sure the stress of looking after dad is taking its toll. My brother and I have offered to have them at home or move them into a property with an annexe but they've always refused help, but now its getting bad.. REALLY BAD... mum has a shaking leg and arm and is being tested for Parkinson's.

They are so miserable... she picks on dad and winds him up, even though he is away with the fairies most of the time. She likes to say things like 'do you remember that word you couldn't remember dear - oh yes, that's the word Anxiety' ***!!!!

My husband says she is bitter and just taking it out on the nearest and dearest (usually me) and trying to take me down with her. To be frank , she is being a *****.... I love them, I love her... but I don't like her a lot of the time. She is cruel, manipulative, angry, bitter... I feel like walking away sometimes, but then I try even harder to get her approval... I'm the little kid, wanting mummy to love me and nurture - I think she is incapable of either now.

I hate my life, I really do.... its a bloody slow car crash!

 

[Hamster Wheel]

I too am a crash dummy, mother died 3 years ago and I still can't work out my feelings for her, she was a total matriachal control freak but she meant well Now in a situation where our life is on hold looking after father, who is a lot calmer now not being constantly criticised and instructed.

On the plus side you and your brother are together on the situation. If you look around the forum and you'll see how many siblings can disappear into the ether.

The big questions are, could you handle being on top of each other day in day out? And if they were persuaded to move, by the time it happened would their needs be better met in care home.

 

[Moglie]

I too am a crash dummy, mother died 3 years ago and I still can't work out my feelings for her, she was a total matriachal control freak but she meant well Now in a situation where our life is on hold looking after father, who is a lot calmer now not being constantly criticised and instructed.

On the plus side you and your brother are together on the situation. If you look around the forum and you'll see how many siblings can disappear into the ether.

The big questions are, could you handle being on top of each other day in day out? And if they were persuaded to move, by the time it happened would their needs be better met in care home.

My brother hasn't always been available, he has though in the past year realised they are not doing well and needs us, so my brother is now 'on the scene a lot'... that is certainly much better than others on here with invisible siblings etc.

I think they need to go into warden control accommodation now and give up the car, dad will have his licence removed soon anyway... both should be on mobility scooters to get about. Problem is they always leave decisions to the last moment and often too late... I think my brother and I need to make them understand that they need more help now. Mum is so mentally tough (physically frail though) she won't listen... she prefers to make us all feel rubbish rather than do something which will help the situation. She revels in misery [emoji17]


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[Oh Knickers]

Hi moglie,

Having such complicated feelings is perfectly normal. You are in a difficult situation and you want a mum to turn to. Thank goodness you and your brother are on the same page.

It sounds as though your parents are spending too much time together. Is there any way you could find out about the clubs available locally and get them off out? If you are helping out at your parents maybe it is time to get care in so you can step back a bit more? With what you are describing - heart issues for your Dad and possible Parkinsons for your mum - they are going to need support. Additionally, how long, realistically, are they likely going to be able to drive?

It might be worth looking into retirement homes whilst they are likely to be able to make use of it. When we were looking to move mother from her home to a retirement home I planned a Location, Location, Location scenario. We showed her places she most certainly would not like. Admittedly she had tantrums in 6 different positions over the worst ones. The one we all liked we realised she would need a dementia test and would probably fail. In addition, with mother's driving record, we did not feel the BMWs and Mercedes in the car park might not be safe! In the end, at 5 mins to midnight, I found a really excellent one which was an Extra Assisted Living home. The assisted bit means having a restaurant on site. The extra means that there are staff there all day and a member of staff available at night. In these homes, there are also activities laid on which also helps. Mother has been very happy there which in itself is nothing short of a miracle.

To move them it will be a case of you and your brother joining forces to move them.

It sounds as though your parents may possibly struggle financially with some of the care and clubs costs involved. Get your parents AA (Attendance Allowance) each. (One of the organisations below can help you with this form.) This is the most important one to get as it is the threshold for other sources of support. Once you have that and a formal diagnosis of Dementia you can also get a Council Tax Disregard. You will find this on the Council website under Council Tax Disregard, Mental Impairment Disregard- horrid name and tactless. the forms for your parents will need to be signed by their GP or geriatrician. However, you need the AA in place first.

It may also be wise to have that difficult conversation about POA (Power of Attorney) for Finance and Health and Welfare. Just means that you can sort out finances and medical appointment for them and, more importantly, get feedback from the medical appointments.

Sources of guidance are listed below. I have found them all wonderful sources of information and also of sanity. On the first two scroll down the page to where you put in your postcode and the local contact number will be provided. Both these organisations can help you with local clubs and local information on how the Health and Social services systems work.

Alzheimers Society
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Age UK
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Admiral Nurses
0800 888 6678

Should you have Admiral nurses in your area you will be blest. They are another sources of very practical support and guidance.

I'm afraid old age does not automatically bring dignity or good behaviour. Best of luck.

 

[Moglie]

Hi moglie,

Having such complicated feelings is perfectly normal. You are in a difficult situation and you want a mum to turn to. Thank goodness you and your brother are on the same page.

Should you have Admiral nurses in your area you will be blest. They are another sources of very practical support and guidance.

I'm afraid old age does not automatically bring dignity or good behaviour. Best of luck.

Many thanks for your reply. I think you are right, they are spending too much time with each other, neither have any hobbies now... my mum has always been a fairly private person anyway... dad less so. But their world is certainly getting smaller and old friends are starting to become frail themselves or don't want to get involved. I spent the afternoon with her yesterday at the National Trust and my dad sat by the campervan with my husband... they both enjoyed that. Thankfully they have both done the enduring Power of Attorney's for both health and finances, so that is sorted and we've already had the 'where do you want to be buried conversation'! I will wait for my brother to get back from holiday and then we need to make a list of what organisations we need to get involved. As far as I know they already have attendance allowance and from your post, this sounds to be the golden ticket which opens all the doors? They really need help now, whether that is help with the cleaning and laundry... I can see dad needing nursing care in the not too distant future - he is unable to dress himself now and I know mum helps him in the shower.

As you said Oh Knickers - old age does not automatically bring dignity or good behaviour!