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Difficult decision

Dunkery

Registered User
Jul 19, 2013
49
0
Devon
Mum has been getting increasingly obsessive about me not leaving her alone in the house we share. Even when a sitter/carer is with her I have been called back early because she is so distressed.
I returned from an early morning walk with the dog to find mum upset because she had woken up and had realised I had gone out-usually she sleeps until I am back. She had a bad panic attack and had uncontrollable shakes and did not want me to leave the bedroom. I finally got hold of the CPN, who was with us within half an hour. Mum was dressed and on the point of going downstairs by then. She was still begging me not to leave her, even when I just went into the garden to put out the washing, despite the nurse reassuring her that she would stay with her. The nurse said there was little they could do in terms of changing her medication because she is so reluctant to take anything. She is not eating or drinking much. The nurse's opinion was that mum needs to go into respite care where she hopefully will respond better to professionals than she does to me. It is such a hard decision but I cannot see the situation improving so reluctantly I have agreed for her to contact our social worker to make arrangements. I am dreading the phone call saying they have found her a place but know that there is really not much alternative as if I become ill I will not be able to look after mum anyway. This is an awful disease.
 

Dunkery

Registered User
Jul 19, 2013
49
0
Devon
The social worker phoned a while ago. We agreed that it would be better to find somewhere for mum that has the potential for a long term stay rather than go somewhere quickly and then need to move again. I have many conflicting emotions about agreeing to let him investigate possible vacancies and cannot bear to think about how I would physically get her into respite. However, I do agree with the various professionals when they say that because mum still sees me as "her little girl", she will never agree easily to boundaries or compromise but may react more positively to someone less emotionally involved. I certainly hope so!
 

PeggySmith

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
1,683
0
BANES
Hello Dunkery,
I just wanted to say that I understand just how hard it is for you at the moment. I really hope it all goes well and your Mum settles as well as my MIL has. Good luck, you are doing the right thing even if your heart tells you different.:)
 

Dunkery

Registered User
Jul 19, 2013
49
0
Devon
Hello Dunkery,
I just wanted to say that I understand just how hard it is for you at the moment. I really hope it all goes well and your Mum settles as well as my MIL has. Good luck, you are doing the right thing even if your heart tells you different.:)

Thank you so much PeggySmith for your kind words. It is reassuring to hear your MIL settled in well into her care home.
 

yoyo

Registered User
Sep 22, 2012
80
0
Thank you so much PeggySmith for your kind words. It is reassuring to hear your MIL settled in well into her care home.

So the social worker has rang you. I have written everything down for the SW and emailed it, spoken to my children and said its the right thing to do but my heart hasn't let go yet. The head is ruling because its the right thing, may be we'll never feel its the right thing in our heart. I'm waiting for her to call me tomorrow. just feel for you tonight because you just have to carry on as normal, very hard but stay strong and keep us up to date, we will all learn together I'm sure. hugs x
 

Dunkery

Registered User
Jul 19, 2013
49
0
Devon
So the social worker has rang you. I have written everything down for the SW and emailed it, spoken to my children and said its the right thing to do but my heart hasn't let go yet. The head is ruling because its the right thing, may be we'll never feel its the right thing in our heart. I'm waiting for her to call me tomorrow. just feel for you tonight because you just have to carry on as normal, very hard but stay strong and keep us up to date, we will all learn together I'm sure. hugs x

Thank you Yoyo. As before, you have put into words just what I am feeling. My head is ruling too and perhaps in our heart we will always feel differently. Our social worker has phoned to say that there is a respite place available at a home he mentioned yesterday. When he said that I felt immediately a mixture of relief and dread at the looming decision I must make. I have phoned the home and have made an appointment to view on Saturday. I have also phoned a couple of other homes, recommended to me and will try to arrange to look around next week. I hope your social worker has phoned you today. The process is very much a learning curve. It does help to share thoughts on this forum. Thank you for your support. x
 

yoyo

Registered User
Sep 22, 2012
80
0
Thank you Yoyo. As before, you have put into words just what I am feeling. My head is ruling too and perhaps in our heart we will always feel differently. Our social worker has phoned to say that there is a respite place available at a home he mentioned yesterday. When he said that I felt immediately a mixture of relief and dread at the looming decision I must make. I have phoned the home and have made an appointment to view on Saturday. I have also phoned a couple of other homes, recommended to me and will try to arrange to look around next week. I hope your social worker has phoned you today. The process is very much a learning curve. It does help to share thoughts on this forum. Thank you for your support. x

Well there is progress, my SW messaged to say she will be out next Thursday, and that if we needed funding to let her know, but we are ok for now. I will go through with things on Thursday though. its hard but the right thing, Jen and I have been run off our feet today, its been relentless, 3 hours sleep and just when I tried to doze I was needed. to top it all there was a dog barking till 2-30am which I don't think bothered mum but it just stressed me out more and more. The home we like rang and are coming to assess mum to make sure they can meet her needs, I hope they can, I've built my hopes around this!! Mum has wanted to go home all day and get dressed in shoes to go, clock off from work because she has felt sick all day too. its bazar I think its going to take me weeks to have a current conversation. Once on jury service in Liverpool this very big handsome young rugby player asked me to pass him the jug of water. after leaving 4 young children behind at home, guess what I did? yep poured it out and gave it to him, I laughed and said oh I'm sorry. and in a lovely deep voice he said its alright I like you doing that. Blush wasn't in it, him flirting with a mum of 4 ha ha - memories hey? lets keep in touch over the next weeks and chart our journey, as good as my family are this kind of support is very different and comforting. stay strong x
 

Dunkery

Registered User
Jul 19, 2013
49
0
Devon
Well there is progress, my SW messaged to say she will be out next Thursday, and that if we needed funding to let her know, but we are ok for now. I will go through with things on Thursday though. its hard but the right thing, Jen and I have been run off our feet today, its been relentless, 3 hours sleep and just when I tried to doze I was needed. to top it all there was a dog barking till 2-30am which I don't think bothered mum but it just stressed me out more and more. The home we like rang and are coming to assess mum to make sure they can meet her needs, I hope they can, I've built my hopes around this!! Mum has wanted to go home all day and get dressed in shoes to go, clock off from work because she has felt sick all day too. its bazar I think its going to take me weeks to have a current conversation. Once on jury service in Liverpool this very big handsome young rugby player asked me to pass him the jug of water. after leaving 4 young children behind at home, guess what I did? yep poured it out and gave it to him, I laughed and said oh I'm sorry. and in a lovely deep voice he said its alright I like you doing that. Blush wasn't in it, him flirting with a mum of 4 ha ha - memories hey? lets keep in touch over the next weeks and chart our journey, as good as my family are this kind of support is very different and comforting. stay strong x

Your anecdote did make me smile:) I'm glad you are making progress and really hope the assessment by the home goes well and that they are willing to take your mum. I really feel for you having so little sleep. I'm lucky in that respect as although mum will not go to bed very early, and does not always settle quickly, at least she usually sleeps well. Today has been a good day from my point of view as mum has slept nearly all day in the chair as well but I still had to cut one phone call short as she woke up and started shouting for me when I was upstairs. I do not have any other family but do have good friends-even so, sharing experiences with someone in a similar position is very comforting. Keep smiling. x
 

yoyo

Registered User
Sep 22, 2012
80
0
Your anecdote did make me smile:) I'm glad you are making progress and really hope the assessment by the home goes well and that they are willing to take your mum. I really feel for you having so little sleep. I'm lucky in that respect as although mum will not go to bed very early, and does not always settle quickly, at least she usually sleeps well. Today has been a good day from my point of view as mum has slept nearly all day in the chair as well but I still had to cut one phone call short as she woke up and started shouting for me when I was upstairs. I do not have any other family but do have good friends-even so, sharing experiences with someone in a similar position is very comforting. Keep smiling. x

just going to settle mum and get some sleep too, keep smiling too x
 

Mamsgirl

Registered User
Jun 2, 2013
635
0
Melbourne, Australia
What a patient, kind person you are! Hope it all falls into place for you, it must be gruelling not being able to so much as walk out the door.

All the very best,
Toni :)
 

Dunkery

Registered User
Jul 19, 2013
49
0
Devon
What a patient, kind person you are! Hope it all falls into place for you, it must be gruelling not being able to so much as walk out the door.

All the very best,
Toni :)

Thank you Toni-much appreciated-even if I am not always patient or kind!:)