Difficult days and return of the guilt monster!

[GillP]

My husband has developed sores on his bottom. The nurses at the home were treating him for this but have referred him to the tissue viability dept. They have given advice and are also visiting next week. He has been in bed, repositioned every two hours for 8 days. During the night he does scratch himself - usually the bottom as the skin is itchy.

I visit daily and feed him at lunch and teatime. He sleeps between meals for a large part of the time I’m there. Yesterday I was shocked when I saw how weak his calves looked. The nurse has said we need to try to avoid contractures. I massage his legs and as soon as he’s up will restart exercises.

All of this overwhelmed me today. Yes the guilt monster returns and I find myself thinking that if I’d kept him at home and arranged live in Carers and regular physio he may still be mobile. I hate feeling this way but every now and then it just consumes me. I don’t think I have ever felt so helpless in my life.

Sorry to moan but I needed to offload!

 

[Izzy]

No need to apologise @GillP. That’s certainly not a moan. This is the right place to offload. Thinking of you.

 

[Bettysue]

I totally understand how you feel. My partner has been in a care home for 6 months. In that time he has become increasingly immobile, has lost a lot of weight and looks increasingly miserable. I keep asking myself if this would have happened if he had stayed at home. I am repeatedly told that this is the progression of his dementia but it is so hard to watch. My next fear is pressure sores.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

The guilt, the never-ending and unwarranted guilt! It's always there - sometimes in the background, sometimes in the foreground and other times it just comes in an overwhelming crushing wave, doesn't it?

Tell that rotten guilt-monster if you could have kept your husband at home, you would have. That's the truth.

Offload all you want, no need for any apologies. xxx

 

[Raest]

Not sure if this will help but there is a cream called metanium which is clay like and used to be used in hospital for bed sores. I used it when my kids were little for severe nappy rash when nothing else would work

 

[canary]

I find myself thinking that if I’d kept him at home and arranged live in Carers and regular physio he may still be mobile.

My OH is still at home with me.
His mobility is in decline and his shins and calves are so wasted that you can see all the ridges in the bones.
Some time ago a physio gave him exercises to do and he does them every day (he has made it part of his routine), although he doesnt do them terribly well. The exercises have not stopped the decline. There is nothing you can do to stop the decline that happens in dementia.

Ill pass you the Talking Point guilt monster bashing stick to give that guilt monster a right wallop
xx

 

[GillP]

thank you all for your comments, as always they have helped to put things into perspective.

Husband’s sores are healing but very slowly. @Raest thank you for the suggestion which the nurse is looking into.

He’s struggling with the heat so I took an extra fan in today and this made a difference. As the Carers positioned him for eating lunch he glanced at me and rolled his eyes then winked! This little sign of recognition and humour made my heart sing!

@canary , The guilt bashing monster stick has been well and truly adopted and used a few times.

@DreamsAreReal and @Bettysue ,When I wear my ‘big girl’ pants I know he’s in the best place receiving good care. I feel that I am now part of a bigger team looking after him. Still not easy and days are long. I guess that the next step may be to shorten my visits. We’ll see.... thinking of all Carers and all on here who are so supportive x