1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Macluda

    Macluda Registered User

    Aug 16, 2015
    This is my first post.
    I'm joyous to have stumbled on this forum. If only I had seen it 18 months ago.

    My father has FTD and makes lewd comments to women, occasionally trying to touch them. He also has mobility and continence issues and no short term memory.
    Following a recent 3 week stay in hospital he has gone into a CH for 4 weeks respite, which I hope will become permanent.
    I have supported him (with three time a day carers) for 18 months by visiting him after work every day (he lives 20 miles away). The incredible relief I feel about having him now only 1 mile away, no shopping, cleaning, washing, driving, and all the other stuff is tempered with guilt. I hope he is in the CH for his own good and not mine.
    He has settled well but of course makes constant remarks to the female staff - some of which have made me shocked - I hadn't realised they were so explicit (at home he just had male carers and never says anything out of order to me).
    My question is 'is he likely to be accepted for the long term with this behaviour?'
    I daren't ask the home (I know!) because I'm so scared they will turn him away. Having had 4 weeks with no direct caring duties - only social visits - I can't believe how well I feel.
    That sounds so selfish but I'm sure you know what I mean.
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Hello Macluda and welcome to Talking Point.
    Lewd comments are par for the course with FTD, so I expect that the CH has come across it before.
    At the end of the 4 weeks there will be a "best interest" meeting which you should be invited to. At this meeting SS, GP, you and your dad should talk about what would be the best thing for your dad. This could be: - 1. return home with a care package - 2. stay at that CH - 3. go to a different CH.

    I would pluck up courage and talk to the CH. What sort of vibes are you picking up from the carers? Do they seem to be able to deflect his comments or are they embarrassed by them? If they are not able to continue with him due to his behaviour then it is unlikely that he would be able to go home
  3. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    Hi and welcome, this forum is a Godsend for help and advice for all of us.

    Is the care home he is in at the moment low category, if so they may say he needs a higher level of care, then it would be EMI, but do not worry, my mum has had to be moved to an even higher category of EMI nursing but the care is very good.

    Whatever happens you need to fight your corner and tell them if he comes back home you need the right help but I would think your dad will be better off in care as they will supply the stimulation he needs during the day when you are working. Like you, we felt better in ourselves, but it is us who carry the guilt when we should not.

    You have to do what is right for you and your dad.

    Good luck
  4. Grandma Joan

    Grandma Joan Registered User

    Mar 29, 2013
    I have found this forum a godsend too. Even when I leave a question that I think is ridiculous someone will come up with a really useful idea.

    I really hope the Care Home scenario works out well for you and your Dad. Hopefully they will have experienced all sorts of personalities and behaviour before so will be able to cope well with your Dad

    Best wishes
  5. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Why should the benefit not be for you as well as your father? We matter. The trouble with carers is that we become so focused on caring for someone else we lose sight of what is happening to ourselves.

    I am very conscious that my daughters worry about me since my life has been subsumed by that of their Dad. Providing I survive I will get my life back and you must protect t your life and well being too.

    Good luck with the care home and let them take the strain.
  6. Skyrim

    Skyrim Registered User

    Jun 19, 2015
    Please, please don't worry too much about this and enjoy yr well-deserved rest! As others have said, a care home offers benefits to both you and your father and, as dementia behaviours fluctuate so much, his may alter in different surroundings. Most carers are used to handling quite a variety of "presentations" and, in my eperience, the team will work together to minimise any embarrassment to all parties concerned. And, let me reassure you, that should also include your father because no-one should ever want him to realise that he may be out if line.

    As another member suggested, talk to staff and find out how they are managing the situation. Making embarrassing comments or behaving in inappropraite ways towards females may result in 2:1 working or males only for personal care but should not cause a dementia-specialist home undue problems. Not a reason for him to have to return home.

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