Different approach by Carers.

Spongecake

Registered User
Apr 13, 2007
10
London
Can anyone offer any advice/words of comfort. My mum has moderate Alzheimer's- not incontinent, still mobile, and can make herself understood to those who know her very well. She is in fantastic sheltered housing where everyone makes her a cup of tea or open her a can of soup when we are not there. but my sister and I are aware it is supposed to be a place for independent living.
My sister and I share the evening shift of meals, company, washing. But my sister says the situation is intolerable and requested an assessment which says that Social services will fund a care home.
We have already tried one care home with disastrous results; my mum got out and also hit the staff.
I've gone along with my sister because I'm more worried about her than mum in a way. Any thoughts.
 

noelphobic

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
3,452
Liverpool
Hi and welcome to TP

Just wondered whether you'd investigated the option of paid carers going to your mum's flat to give her a meal, help with dressing (if needed) etc? If you haven't already then it could be one avenue to explore which would give you and your sister a break from having to go so often.

If it is decided that a care home is the best option, then it might work out better in another one.

I am sure lots of other people will be along with good advice.

Take care
Brenda
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi Spongecake

Welcome to TP.

It's very difficult to decide on the right time to move from sheltered accommodation to 24 hour care.

Have you had a word with the warden of her accommodation? They will generally be able to tell you if they think more care is needed.

I can understand your sister feeling that the responsibility is too much for her. That's something you need to discuss between you.

If you do decide that a care home is the answer, perhaps you and your sister could visit as many as possible within travelling distance, and see if you can find one you're both happy with?

I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice. Let us know what you decide.

Take care,
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,786
Kent
Hi Spongecake,

I`m sorry your mum is getting to the stage where she appears to need more than Independent Living Accommodation.

If the well meaning helpers, [I presume they are not staff, but co-residents] were not there to make her tea or open soup, how would she be?

I think Hazel/Skye`s advice to consult the Warden, is good advice. I don`t want to sound unsympathetic, but are you putting off what will be a very upsetting next step for you, and is your sister being more realistsic, or do you really feel your mother is fine where she is.

Take care
 

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
Newport, Gwent
Hi Spongecake

Welcome to TP.

Just wanted to add to the very sound advice already given. You still have the option of carers a couple of times a day, meals on wheels, day centre etc., No decision has to be made in a hurry, gather it all, and discuss with mum and your sister.

Also as has already been mentioned, Nursing Home care isn’t all dreadful, but clearly you have been off to a bad start with an awful experience, enough to put anyone off. But the advice is good, take your time, do your research. Good to do in any event for a possibility in the future. I can only speak from my own experience. My mum is better cared for than I could ever possibly give, and the time I spend with her now is quality time, not time spent on the day to day practicalities and simply coping from crisis to crisis. Not all NH are God’s waiting room.

Keep posting, let us know how you are getting on.

Love
Cate
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Having a mother who was in an extra care independant living facility but who has recently moved to a nursing home, I can understand your desire to keep her in her own place as long as possible. However, you also have to consider the other residents. They may be helping out, (I think most people do) but I assume that they are also elderly, and probably with their own health problems. I don't think you should discount your sister's views either (not saying you are actually). If your sister is now finding the whole thing intolerable, then it's intolerable. You may be managing O.K., but each person's ability to cope with a situation like this is not under anyone else's control. Do not asume that because you had a one "bad" care home experience that they will all be like that. Many of us have found nursing homes that provide our loved ones with a much higher standard of care than anything we could provide, even with their downsides. Might I suggest that, bearing in mind your Mother's previous "escape", that you look for a more secure placement? Active dementia sufferers will wander given half a chance, and a well-run home should be aware of this.

Love

Jennifer
 

Spongecake

Registered User
Apr 13, 2007
10
London
Thanks

Thanks to everyone who has replied. It's been really helpful. Yes, I've spoken to the Warden and she says my mum is no trouble at the moment. It's the staff helping out with drinks and soup, not the other residents.
There is one other resident mum has latched onto, who is just as needy but in a diffferent way. This other resident is probably going into a care home soon, which might precipitate things with my mum, as at the moment she feels needed and has company.
We've had homecare but mum would only let one person help with personal washing, and she's left, so it's a question of finding helpers that my mum will accept.

What's been so awful is the strain it has put on my relationship with my sister. I really think she hates me sometimes.

Thanks again. Keep writing.
 

noelphobic

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
3,452
Liverpool
Spongecake said:
There is one other resident mum has latched onto, who is just as needy but in a diffferent way. This other resident is probably going into a care home soon, which might precipitate things with my mum, as at the moment she feels needed and has company.
We've had homecare but mum would only let one person help with personal washing, and she's left, so it's a question of finding helpers that my mum will accept.

What's been so awful is the strain it has put on my relationship with my sister. I really think she hates me sometimes.

Thanks again. Keep writing.
Hi Spongecake (never said that before!)

Do you know which care home the other resident is going into? In which case it might be worth bearing in mind in case you decide in the future that your mum does need to go into a care home. You could find out what it's like and your mum would already have a friend there. Sorry if this sounds insensitive but I have been down the road of 'putting' mum into a care home, so I do have an idea of what's involved.

I can empathise about the strain that caring for someone puts on relations with other family members - been there, done that, got the t-shirt. However, it is quite possible that the situation with your sister can be repaired, if you can come to an agreement about what is best for your mum.

Keep in touch and take care.

Brenda
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,786
Kent
Hi Spongecake,

When two in a family have different attitudes to caring, it`s bound to cause friction. We`ve seen it in so many posts.

Does your sister resent the time she has to spend caring, because she has to keep up with you. Is it possibly a bit of a guilt complex, because you are more willing than she is to keep your mother out of residential care for as long as possible. Or is her family less understanding than yours.

It`s not easy to reach a compromise, but you can only do what you feel is best.
 

Spongecake

Registered User
Apr 13, 2007
10
London
Thanks Granny G. There is a lot of guilt involved, on both sides.
The other issue is locally authority vs private care homes. The social worker said the decision would have to go to a panel if we go down the private route and implied this would be lots of red tape and delay. That's another bit of friction between my sister and myself; not the money side we both don't care about that, and there isn't that much anyway. It's the dealing with officialdom all the time; who's saying what to whom.
Thanks again to those people who've replied; I feel clearer about things.