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Didn’t expect to feel like this

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
497
And I’m in bits just now...I took my oh to the care home for a weeks respite today , and I dont know why I feel so upset ,after all I knew as my family and medics have been telling me for some time I needed to rest and recharge. I expected to feel relieved but do not I just feel like I’ve deserted him.
Feeling sorry for myself but just needed to get that said. A x
 

Ruth1974

Registered User
Dec 26, 2018
77
And I’m in bits just now...I took my oh to the care home for a weeks respite today , and I dont know why I feel so upset ,after all I knew as my family and medics have been telling me for some time I needed to rest and recharge. I expected to feel relieved but do not I just feel like I’ve deserted him.
Feeling sorry for myself but just needed to get that said. A x
Well right now you feel bad, but tomorrow you will have slept. Relax...
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,754
Yorkshire
@Starbright
let's be honest, it's a massive step you've had to take, not one any partner chooses lightly
you're tired in heart and body and mind .... and your head and heart are battling right now
take each day one at a time
allow yourself to rest tonight
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,630
South coast
It seems a huge milestone because there is that feeling of - has it really come to this?
Rest, relax. You may find he enjoys his "holiday"
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
497
It seems a huge milestone because there is that feeling of - has it really come to this?
Rest, relax. You may find he enjoys his "holiday"
That made me smile @canary because he said to me “ So where are you going on your holiday “, 😉it will be strange not running up and down stairs a zillion times a day etc etc .
 

Olliebeak

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
124
Buckinghamshire
It will get easier Starbright. When you wake up and realise you can do just what you like when you like .... and relax!

My OH has had about 6 mini breaks now. The care home staff greet him like an old friend and although he says it’s boring he really quite enjoys it. It’s become part of his life and certainly saves mine.
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
497
It will get easier Starbright. When you wake up and realise you can do just what you like when you like .... and relax!

My OH has had about 6 mini breaks now. The care home staff greet him like an old friend and although he says it’s boring he really quite enjoys it. It’s become part of his life and certainly saves mine.
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
497
So have been in to care home today, greeted by a carer telling me he won’t get up just wants to sleep. I go to his room and he’s lying scrunched up and doesn’t want to get up ,eat or take his meds and he’s in pain((( had a total hip replacement 3 months ago and still does have occasional pain in his groin which I have been assured is quite normal given the surgery))).... after a lot of persuasion I got him up and dressed and breakfasted and meds taken....but he’s so tired and just wants to sleep ...the Carers want him up but his mobility was poor even before the surgery and I feel the tiredness is all part of the Vas / Alz hes only going to be there a week can I just tell them to let him be.
Thank you @Olliebeak and @Roseleigh for your support.
A x
 

Olliebeak

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
124
Buckinghamshire
Sorry to hear that Starbright.

The best bit about respite is letting the carers take over the care and taking a step back. If it’s only for a week could you stay away from the home and give yourself a total break?

When my OH is on respite I do spend a couple of days at home and enjoy having the place to myself and I also go away for breaks with friends or to visit family and friends. I don’t go and see him and after the first couple of times I don’t even call to see how he is as I figure we are paying £££ for him to be looked after and I will hear if there is a serious problem. Do I sound cruel and callous?
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,204
cornwall
Sorry to hear that Starbright.

The best bit about respite is letting the carers take over the care and taking a step back. If it’s only for a week could you stay away from the home and give yourself a total break?

When my OH is on respite I do spend a couple of days at home and enjoy having the place to myself and I also go away for breaks with friends or to visit family and friends. I don’t go and see him and after the first couple of times I don’t even call to see how he is as I figure we are paying £££ for him to be looked after and I will hear if there is a serious problem. Do I sound cruel and callous?
Sorry to jump it but I did the same when dad was in respite. I figured the same.
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
497
Sorry to hear that Starbright.

The best bit about respite is letting the carers take over the care and taking a step back. If it’s only for a week could you stay away from the home and give yourself a total break?

When my OH is on respite I do spend a couple of days at home and enjoy having the place to myself and I also go away for breaks with friends or to visit family and friends. I don’t go and see him and after the first couple of times I don’t even call to see how he is as I figure we are paying £££ for him to be looked after and I will hear if there is a serious problem. Do I sound cruel and callous?
No that does not sound cruel @Olliebeak it sounds good to me, and yes it costs so much being self funders. I’ve been in tonight and he’s so much better than this morning he’s smiling having hot chocolate and cake TV on......so I’m gonna grit my teeth and not go tomorrow and maybe not even the next day 😉let the carers take over ......
Thank you for your comments much appreciated A x
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,117
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
Why oh why do we all feel so guilty about making what are sensible and necessary descision? There is no logic to it but the guilt and associated emotions are so raw and I feel yours too. Hopefully time and less tired eyes will help make it all easier.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
412
Why oh why do we all feel so guilty about making what are sensible and necessary descision? There is no logic to it but the guilt and associated emotions are so raw and I feel yours too. Hopefully time and less tired eyes will help make it all easier.
Yes it's hard to understand why we feel guilty. Eg. why do I feel like I must always be taking my partner out and about, why do I feel bad when I know he'd love to go on holiday abroad somewhere warm but I can't take him because it's so stressful. Fact is anything we do will be forgotten a few hours later and he'll always think he doesn't do anything and complains he has nothing to do when actually he has a pretty full life. His children have made me feel guilty about a lot of things and then I went through a stage of worrying that I had to live up to their expectations (I don't now because 3 of the 4 give no thought to their father and certainly don't care about me and what I do for him). But that feeling of not doing as much for him as I should is hard to shake, even though I've more or less given up my life for him since diagnosis 4+ years ago!!!
Hope you get away on your trip @Agzy
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
497
Why oh why do we all feel so guilty about making what are sensible and necessary descision? There is no logic to it but the guilt and associated emotions are so raw and I feel yours too. Hopefully time and less tired eyes will help make it all easier.
Thank you @Agzy me too your right there’s just no understanding the guilt feelings or this vile disease we just all carry on because we love our pwd . ((( hugs ))) A x
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
497
Hi @White Rose ...I think we feel guilty because deep down we care so much , Ive just about convinced myself this weeks break I’m having is a good thing....
A x