Did I do the right thing

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Mossyanne1, Aug 6, 2015.

  1. Mossyanne1

    Mossyanne1 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    45
    Everything has got too much for me over the last few months and my SW has found a nursing home for my hubbie, he went in last Tuesday and since then I can't stop crying. He looks so lonely when I visit him and I feel so so guilty, I am just heartbroken although I know It's for the best. I keep justifying it in my mind, but at the moment I am feeling so emotional. Need a hug or some kind words from some-one.


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  2. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    Mossyanne, this must be one of the hardest decisions we carers ever have to make but there will come a time for us all when the brave decision you have already made becomes inevitable. I haven't got there quite yet but I can imagine how you must be feeling. Please try and take comfort in the fact that your husband will be getting the care he needs. It's early days and hopefully he will settle down and your visits will become easier. I know there are lots of others on TP who are in your position and will be along soon to support you. Huge hug, keep strong. x


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  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,302
    Female
    South coast
    Oh mossyanne, have a (((hug)))) from me. I can hear it has all been too much. You are burnt out.
    Crying is good - it lets the stress out. Try and get some sleep and eat properly. You will both need to adjust. Knock that guilt monster off your shoulder - you wont be stopping caring, it will just be a bit different and someone else will be doing the heavy stuff.
     
  4. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    You have been very brave in taking this very difficult decision. Please have a huge hug from me xxx
     
  5. Mossyanne1

    Mossyanne1 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    45
    Oh thank you all so much for your kindness, it means so much to me at the moment. I am on my own in bed and all I'm doing is thinking of the good times and just wishing them back. Silly I know but these thoughts won't go away and I just can't stop crying.


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  6. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    Mossyanne, it's not silly, it's natural that you should be so upset. I hope you can eventually be comforted by remembering the good times you had together.....but it's perhaps too soon yet. I really feel for you, I am some weeks or months behind you and have just started the process of arranging a care home place (for my mum). I keep crying too, I'm afraid.....

    Our situations are different but I'm sending you a huge (((hug))). Wishing you all the best :)

    Lindy xx
     
  7. esmeralda

    esmeralda Registered User

    Nov 27, 2014
    3,072
    Devon
    So sorry Mossyanne. I really feel for both you and your poor husband.
    It's very hard to remember how things were and we just want those times back so badly. It's terribly hard to realise that is never going to happen, and a huge step like you are going through at the moment brings those sad feelings very much to the fore.
    It's natural for you to be grieving for the huge loss and you need time to work through those feelings. I hope you've got someone you can talk to about this. If you're still struggling in a little while and you don't have family and/or friends to talk to then counselling might help. A local carer's organisation or your GP may be able to arrange this for you.
    In the meantime there's lots of people here who understand how you feel so keep posting.
    Sending you love and ((((((((((hugs))))))))))). Hope things start to settle down for both of you soon.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  8. Mossyanne1

    Mossyanne1 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    45
    Thank you all so much I am trying to keep your positive feedbacks in my head. Am going to see Malc this afternoon with my daughter as she and my son have been abroad on holiday while all this has been going on, so not sure how they will react. Fingers crossed...xxx


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  9. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    1,955
    Female
    London
    I hope this afternoons visit goes ok...I'm sure this decision has been so hard to come to.
     
  10. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,474
    London
    Hi Mossyanne I really emphasize with you I am a couple of months further on my husband went into care in June and like you I cried at home at every little thing and felt so guilty but I realized that I couldn't cope at home anymore please believe me it does get better of course you miss him with me we had been together 40 years I am now beginning to enjoy visits even though he can no longer talk I do sometimes get his wonderful smile be kind to yourself hugs from Nannylondon xxx
     
  11. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    Hope the visit goes well. xx


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  12. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,975
    Toronto, Canada
    It will take time, but it will get a little easier by and by. What you've done is probably the hardest thing you've ever had to do. You did it all for the right reasons but are certainly allowed to feel sad.
     
  13. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Hi Mossyanne. I went through this 12 months ago. I think it took me 6 months to get my act together again and even now it's not complete. The enormity of the decision is so painful and the guilt overwhelming. All I can say to comfort you is to hope that your OH settles well and becomes contented. It did take my husband several months but the staff have been so kind to him and he is cared for so well that he is now, for the most part, happy to see me. He hated me to start with and it was heartbreaking to be asked why I didn't want him with me anymore. Early visits were very difficult, but he has got there and only this morning the manager was commenting on the difference in him now. The guilt has lessened and although I will always mourn for our happy old life, I have come to terms with the way things are at the moment and am making the most of this stage of his journey before he deteriorates again. Thinking of you at this difficult time.
     
  14. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Oh Verity l feel for you, you are coping so well.
     
  15. Eliane

    Eliane Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    1
    You did the right thing x

    Dear Mossyanne, I feel so much for you as my Mum had the exact same issue with my Dad last year.

    But please be assured, you absolutely did the right thing. The right thing for your hubbie is to get him the best possible care you can and that's what you've done so you should feel really proud of yourself.

    You can visit him every day, and take him out on little trips ( can you push him in a wheelchair on a little walk maybe?) You can have the good times with him, whilst the carers take care of the not so good stuff. And they are the professionals who are best at doing that not you. It's not a thing to feel guilty about, there will be 2 of them and they will be trained for the job.

    Yes you will miss the good times you used to have. But cherish those memories, they will keep you going for longer than you think. And make the most of the time you have now.

    Lots of love and kind thoughts to you xx
     
  16. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    179
    Sending you a massive hug.

    I am the same but over my mum.

    xxx
     
  17. elizabeth20

    elizabeth20 Registered User

    Dec 28, 2013
    35
    My mum went into a care home last week and although it's a short distance from home I can't go back in just yet. The guilt is overwhelming although I know absolutely that for 5 difficult years and more I put my life and my OH life on hold while I took care of her. I wouldn't change that either even though it's taken a toll in so many ways.

    My OH has visited every day and reports back, apparently she's a lot brighter then when I left her on day one. Her neighbour has just rang to ask how I am and I said I hadn't cried today - progress I suppose.

    I have been to the GP and got something to help as I was in a truly awful state and it has taken the edge off a little bit.

    I have a niggle in the back of my mind saying could I have carried on, would mum have wanted me to, I do have doubts lots of them.

    But today I haven't cried so I guess along with this hug (((( )))) what I am saying is it must get better. Stay strong and take all the help on offer. X
     
  18. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    How many times have those of us on TP, who have, or had, loved ones in a Home, have wondered if we could have carried on. I went through this after John went into a Home, but I know I couldn't have coped.

    After a while, things got to the stage that I could accept what I'd done - and why I had to do it. I had 12 years of caring, but, after he had 3 UTIs, and eventually died, I knew it was for the best. For him.

    We're all only human, and doing our best. I hope you feel a little better each day. xxx
     
  19. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    Mossyanne, not only have you done the 'right thing' you have also done the bravest thing. To admit that the care you can give is no longer enough is a hard realisation. To be a Carer day in day out, plus the nights, is soul destroying, health wrecking and near on impossible at a certain stage.

    Yes, you will be sad and tearful and want your old life back when things were good- but those days won't return. However, the good times are still with you in your memories and they will remain with you. Better to ask for help and accept what is offered than to experience Carer breakdown and get to crisis point.

    I do feel for you. Take your time and hopefully you will eventually accept that you have done the right thing.

    Love

    Lyn T XX
     

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