Did I do the right thing.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Lanny1Norma, Nov 10, 2019.

  1. Lanny1Norma

    Lanny1Norma Registered User

    Nov 10, 2019
    11
    My partner was diagnosed in 2012 quite early on as he realised he was getting a little forgetful. He was lucky after an MRI scan he was prescribed Donepezil. Since diagnoses it has been a very slow decline. He was still driving at first although judgement became worse finally writing the car off in a hedge and had his licence taken away. During the past 7 years he was still active, line dancing, tea dancing, rock and roll and as I run a company social club enjoyed days out, theatres etc. Swimming at least three times week. He gradually lost interest in the garden, latterly couldn't use the cooker, nor the TV remote if something went wrong. Still showered himself and dressed himself but found buttons difficult. Suddenly he deteriorated at the end of August he started wandering to the main road and stood by the traffic lights, brought back by the police once.When he saw me he would try to get away it culminated in him throwing himself front of a car which fortunately managed to stop. A week before he had a urine and chest infection which I know disorientates but would it make him wander. He was in hospital 10 days came home and was fine for two weeks and wandered off to the main road again. He is now in a care home for his own safety and hates it. He has tried to break windows to get out. I feel so guilty as he is so unhappy and a lot of the time is quite lucid and I feel I should have persevered with keeping him at home. I am 81 but very fit. Is it normal to deteriorate so quickly.
     
  2. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    You did EXACTLY the right thing, and dont even think of backtracking. The point a which a PWD walks out in front of a car- and not once- is the point that you know they need keeping safe.
     
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,305
    Merseyside
    Welcome to DTP @Lanny1Norma
    You did the right thing. He’s safe in the home.
    Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
     
  4. Lanny1Norma

    Lanny1Norma Registered User

    Nov 10, 2019
    11
     
  5. Lanny1Norma

    Lanny1Norma Registered User

    Nov 10, 2019
    11
    Thank you. It is so hard when he tells me I don't know how much he misses me. I ring
    the care home every day and most days he asks them to get him a taxi to go
    home. He still knows exactly where he lives. Reading other peoples' experiences
    they all seem to suffer with guilt.
     
  6. katydid

    katydid Registered User

    Oct 23, 2018
    49
    Hallo I really know how you feel. My husband, has Vascular Dementia and has been in a Nursing Home for8 weeks now. He also detests it seems to me that he is bearing it because I say it’s the right thing, it is our Golden Anniversary this year, and all that time he has trusted my decisions.........
    Like your partner he is still lucid at times, but so far away at others. He cannot walk or stand alone now and I had to make this awful decision for his safety. He is 77 and I am 71 with severe arthritis
    I am an Nurse and feel so guilty that I could not look after him, when I have looked after so many others in my career
    To make it worse he is now in hospital with a fractured hip..... 5 years at home, keeping safe. and 6 weeks in a care home = fractured hip
    I know he can and does have real melt downs when he cannot be pacified, but if I had been there.........
    the right thing? Who knows I also feel so sad and alone, he is there miserable, I am here miserable, there must be a better way
     
  7. Lanny1Norma

    Lanny1Norma Registered User

    Nov 10, 2019
    11
     
  8. Lanny1Norma

    Lanny1Norma Registered User

    Nov 10, 2019
    11
    How sad for you. They have activities in the CH where my partner is and he takes part in everything. He also dances and plays scrabble that is why I feel so guilty because he is so active still. If he had not started wandering, and we live three minutes from the busy A4, I would still have him at home. My friend's father used to wander and he walked in front of a bus and was killed so I would rather him be safe. Sadly you have been together for a very long time so it is very hard for you, I was widowed early so we have only been together for 18 years.
     
  9. Mydarlingdaughter

    Mydarlingdaughter Registered User

    Oct 25, 2019
    15
    YES Of course you did the right thing. It sounds as f it wasn't really your "do" anyway. Your husband has a an illness which needs specialist care, as his needs cannot be met at home and you could no keep him safe.
    My situation is different as its my Mum in the care home, she always said she would kill herself rather than be in a care home, which is why I refused to get involved, when, after a stay in hospital after a broken hip, I was told she was to be transferred to a care home for assessment. As she could not co-operate with the rehabilitation offered, due to her dementia, she is still there one year on, and the suicide threats have dwindled away, she is gradually settling down and on my last visit she told me "its quite nice here".
    It does sound like your husband is expressing his disatisfaction at his situation by saying he wants to come home. But his behaviour whilst at home showed that he was trying to get away!

    I see that he can not longer wander out to the road as was his habit, so probably feels trapped. Could staff take him out into the grounds or for walks around the care home? Or taking part in physical activities, do they have a activity programme?
     

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