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Diaries

fireflame

New member
Nov 3, 2017
7
My first time here.It's a long story which I will try to keep brief.My mother died with alzheimers two years ago aged 95.Until two years before she died she kept a diary which I have been reading,In 2015 the family was very aware she was losing her memory and getting very confused but we had no diagnosis then.I was visiting twice a week to take her shopping,go out for a ride,take her dancing(her passion).My three brothers were doing their bit but I did most of the day to day stuff. Well I have been horrified and disgusted at the vile and spiteful things she wrote about me nearly every time I saw her.She never said any of this to my face.Of course I was aware she could be tricky but not this.I thought we had a good relationship although earlier diaries have revealed a dislike for me which I never knew about.My brothers were "kind" "dear boys".She never gave me credit for anything or thanks! I feel as if I've been conned---into thinking she enjoyed my company(as I did hers) but all along she was waiting to write the next nasty saga in her diary.Thoughts please.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,106
Scotland
That is truly horrible and will take you a long time to forget. Is it due to the dementia or was she always favouring her sons? I know some mothers do but what a betrayal.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,422
Oh @fireflame, what a horrible shock. My mother is still alive but also kept a diary until her eyesight got too bad. I have the volumes up in my loft and haven't dared open them. I like my mother and before dementia struck I enjoyed her company and we used to have good times together. However after two separate people years ago told me they didn't know my mother had a daughter as she only every talked about her son, I've never really trusted her. I'm sure she loves me, but thinks I'm deadly dull.
Have you spoken to your brothers about this? Would it help? I do hope you have someone in real life you can talk this over with.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,544
Nottinghamshire
Hi @fireflame

Briefly - your mum had Alzheimer’s and it probably started well before anyone realised. The diary reflects the disease not her true thoughts about you. I’m certain that if she really felt like this for years you would have felt an undercurrent.

From my own experience my dad could be vile to and about the people he loved...but he was vile about the ones who were looking after him and the ones that were more remote had the sun shining out of their backsides! You did the donkey work so you became the donkey.

My dad wrote some awful things about his granddaughter in his diary and said some awful things to her face too. And I was apparently a member of the Mafia! It wasn’t how he felt until Dementia twisted his brain. He cared deeply about all of us (although he did change his mind about my siblings when they let him down big time when my mum was very ill with dementia).

I think if your mum had truly felt this way you would’ve known. She was probably upset at being left alone and it translated into vitriol. People with dementia are so unreasonable!

That’s my take on it. It might be worthwhile speaking to a counsellor to get things into perspective .
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,283
My first time here.It's a long story which I will try to keep brief.My mother died with alzheimers two years ago aged 95.Until two years before she died she kept a diary which I have been reading,In 2015 the family was very aware she was losing her memory and getting very confused but we had no diagnosis then.I was visiting twice a week to take her shopping,go out for a ride,take her dancing(her passion).My three brothers were doing their bit but I did most of the day to day stuff. Well I have been horrified and disgusted at the vile and spiteful things she wrote about me nearly every time I saw her.She never said any of this to my face.Of course I was aware she could be tricky but not this.I thought we had a good relationship although earlier diaries have revealed a dislike for me which I never knew about.My brothers were "kind" "dear boys".She never gave me credit for anything or thanks! I feel as if I've been conned---into thinking she enjoyed my company(as I did hers) but all along she was waiting to write the next nasty saga in her diary.Thoughts please.
Welcome to the forum. I can empathize totally with your experience with your mum . My mother-in-law was very much like you have described. She had been living on her own for many years and developed dementia in 2015 although she was a difficult individual for many years and had a personality disorder throughout her adult life. She was very much a Jekyll and Hyde character ,would be kind and and supportive to your face but then stab you in the back and spread poison about her son, her daughter and me throughout her life.

She became quite close at one point to her neighbours and her perception was that these neighbours were saviours and would always be better to her than we were or kinder or more helpful . In fact it was my husband and I who were always there picking up the pieces and dealing with her.

My mother-in-law went into care in 2018 , just prior to that that she had given my husband a series of letters to send off to the neighbours who had since moved away to another part of the country. My husband was actually suspicious that in these letters there was more poison about us. He was completely right. In the letters for the neighbours there was no mention of the tireless work that we had done to keep her safe, organised care, provide with meals; as far as my mother-in-law was concerned it was full of spite about us . My husband made the decision then that he would actually not send these letters so he didn't.
My mother-in-law passed away in a care home in 2018 . We spent as a family sometime obviously clearing her property to sell it. We found more letters many from 25/30 years ago addressed to people either we didn't know ourselves personally or people who had since finished all contact with her. Again the contents of the letters were filled with anguish from my mother-in-law about how she tried to change her will to cut out her son and daughter or full of spite about me because I had taken her son away as she had perceived it. There was one berating her daughter who had in fact moved abroad many years before to get away from her.

Sadly this type of lashing out at the people close to you seems to be quite a common theme. I have read about similar type of behaviours on this forum I have no magic answers I'm afraid it is very difficult to deal with
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
318
That must have been a horrible shock. My mum has vascular dementia and I was her carer for two years. When mum has had infections, been having a bad patch, or been in hospital (all of which have unfortunately been pretty frequent occurrences over the years) she has been full of spite and vitriol towards me. My brother was absolutley horrified at some of the things she said to me during a joint visit to hospital, and I wouldn't write them here! Dementia does awful things to the mind and the person with it generally lashes out at the nearest and dearest, particularly when they are scared or ill. My mum would never believe she had said any of those things (I would never mention them, of course) and, when she is in a good mood, is now more affectionate than she ever was before the dementia. I have cleared and sold her flat now, to pay for her care. I didn't find any diaries, thank god. Seeing those things in print would have been far worse than hearing them. My advice is burn the diaries, remember the happy times.
 

fireflame

New member
Nov 3, 2017
7
That must have been a horrible shock. My mum has vascular dementia and I was her carer for two years. When mum has had infections, been having a bad patch, or been in hospital (all of which have unfortunately been pretty frequent occurrences over the years) she has been full of spite and vitriol towards me. My brother was absolutley horrified at some of the things she said to me during a joint visit to hospital, and I wouldn't write them here! Dementia does awful things to the mind and the person with it generally lashes out at the nearest and dearest, particularly when they are scared or ill. My mum would never believe she had said any of those things (I would never mention them, of course) and, when she is in a good mood, is now more affectionate than she ever was before the dementia. I have cleared and sold her flat now, to pay for her care. I didn't find any diaries, thank god. Seeing those things in print would have been far worse than hearing them. My advice is burn the diaries, remember the happy times.
 

fireflame

New member
Nov 3, 2017
7
Thank you so much everyone for your replies and kind thoughts.And some good advice too.And isn't it sad how others have gone through similar horrible experiences.Of course I understand how the dementia must have twisted her perceptions but even so.....Good wishes to you all.