1. nessy22

    nessy22 Registered User

    Nov 22, 2014
    Dear TalkingPoint, thanks for making me realise I am not alone and that many have the same issues. I am writing today because I feel at breaking point again. It was too much to expect that Mum was going to settle in a care home :(I understand it must be miserable, I would probably be exactly the same.

    Now after 3 months of steady but just about bearable complaining to me, but good reports from staff and friends, the last three weeks have just got terrible. Mum phones me 5 times a day, long calls of misery and tears and worse. Even wants to go back home with carers or to jump in the river. I have to look back into my diary to remember the terrible last 9 months at home and what really happened. I am an awful daughter not telling her the situation and putting her in this prison. We go over and over these events including revisiting family problems from years ago probably because they were never resolved to Mum’s liking. Mum’s memory seems selective and she is totally able to remember things which can hurt. CH staff says she is OK 90% of the time but getting more and more frustrated although they try to keep her occupied and as ‘free’ as they can. I can't fault the care home, they seem to be doing their best.

    I am only daughter with no close relatives and live far away. I offered her to come and stay with/close to me for years but she had an active social life and disliked my way of life because it was not ‘her way’. Every family visit was a misery. There was no way we could find a compromise. I spent most of last year off and on away from my family looking after her and trying to get help at home without sucess. I now visit monthly for 6 days of mostly misery.

    I just don’t know what to do now. Mum is one month into a 3 month trial with Aricept/ Donepezil so I don’t know if this has made things worse in that she now believes she can go home herself, take a flight to NZ etc., demand to go down town on her own whilst before she was starting to accept things (wishful thinking ?). She even started remembering the little love lies I told :(. It is like she has gone back 6 months which, awful to say, was not a better place. Could this just be a coincidence as the ‘novelty’ of the CH starts to wear off ?

    It is just so sad but I don’t think she can go home with carers now. Would be so lonely for her and even though she says she will accept them, why would she change now ? She dislikes the CH carers doing anything for her….

    I feel so guilty that she is always so unhappy and she is not staying with me but I don’t think it would be good for my family now even if they are willing. Mum can also be pretty nastly to my kids although I know she loves them. I am painting such an awful picture of Mum here but she is loved by so many close friends, generous and selfless person to others it is hard to imaging she is this same person. These friends have rallied round and visit her regularly. In this she is so lucky and this is the only cheery part of this story:).

    I am sorry to have offloaded all this but feel so despondent today. Even writing this I realise that I have to stick it out with the CH.check with the nurse about the Donepezil trial and don't do anything hasty. But maybe I missed something?
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    In the course of putting down your feelings and experience you have drawn a picture of what family life would be and it isnt a happy one. Would it even make your Mum happy while the rest of you were miserable? Who would be overseeing her care if she were in her own house with carers.? You? How would that affect your family.

    Emotional blackmail is going on here and you need to see it for what it is.
  3. Moonflower

    Moonflower Registered User

    Mar 28, 2012
    5 calls a day is far too much. Does she have a phone in her room? In your position I would speak to the care home about restricting her calls to you to no more than one a day at most.

    If they can't then could you use a call blocker and only answer once a day.

    It doesn't sound as if your mother could manage at home with carers, or that living with you would be fair to you or your family. All these calls are achieving is making you miserable. Maybe if your mum can't complain to you she will begin to interact more with the care home staff
  4. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    North Manchester
    I suspect that you Mum would now find faults with wherever she was and want to 'go home' ie return to her childhood home.

    If there has been a sudden change has she been checked for a UTI or other infection?
  5. nessy22

    nessy22 Registered User

    Nov 22, 2014

    Thanks for all your comments. Feeling a little bit less desperate. Has got me to do some hard thinking. Will take them on board. Sometimes it is hard to see the wood for the trees. Heartbreaking.
  6. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    May I say welcome to TP, and yes my own RL seems to be a little like yours. I too have had the "I want to die" from mum, she has started the memory pills too, and I am an awful daughter. I did try and get her into a CH but we poo hoo'd that we have carers coming in but she says she is now fed up with them..........I can only let time take it's toll. And by joining us here you realise you are not alone.
  7. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    As someone cleverer than me said here: You have to accept that you can make her safe but you can't necessarily make her happy. If she is safe, that's your job done as she wouldn't be happy anywhere. It's the dementia that made her so, and she will take that with her wherever she goes.

    But you must stop those phone calls as they don't do any of you any good. Have her calls restricted or block her number. Get the doctor out to check for any infections or anything that might make her calmer ( and I really don't mean dope her up with unsuitable meds!)
  8. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    That bit about 'you can make her safe ... but not happy' makes such sense. We want our parent(s) to be happy, just like they've always wanted us to be happy, but a lot of the time that isn't achievable. I'm a very recent poster to this board, but in a short time I've realised that the only way to mentally cope with what's happening is to accept that the mother I've got now isn't the mother I had 12 months ago.

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