Desperate for helpful advise for my friend

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by tryingmybest, Dec 21, 2015.

  1. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    612
    Female
    #1 tryingmybest, Dec 21, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2015
    I'm desperate for some urgent advise for my friend please not myself this time. Her Mum died of cancer a couple of years ago and my friend still lives in the family home with Dad and her 3 dogs. Consumed with grief and very depressed she has found it difficult coping with her Dad who has become extremely aggressive and has had several falls. He is diabetic and refuses to take his medication and eat properly and as my friend works full time and does days then night shifts she is finding it totally unbearable and difficult to manage.

    I understand she has tried several times to get help with carers to pop in a couple of times a day to administer his tablets and keep an eye on him but he tells them he doesn't need their help and keeps cancelling them!

    He has now had several short stays in hospital due to falls, mostly falling down the stairs it seems and he is having incontinence problems. There seems to be confusion over whether he has actually been diagnosed with dementia or not as my friends sister (who is the attorney for the LPA but does nothing practical to help my friend and Dad just the odd visit) is in denial theres,anything wrong and doesn't keep my friend up to speed with info she's been given at the hospital where he currently is due to yet another serious fall.

    The discharge nurse has called for a meeting with both my friend and her sister tomorrow and my friend is worried Dad is going to be sent home with nothing in place as they are now saying they cant keep him there any longer as he is physically ok and the latest mental health assessment was fine so he's ready to come home!!!! Its totally appalling they are saying this when clearly,this is not the case. My friend said when she visited at the hospital yesterday Dad was really aggressive with her and totally confused and shes really worried he is being discharged to get him out the way as its Christmas and she is going to have to accept being put into a situation she cannot cope with.

    I just want to try and help my friend as she's on the verge of a breakdown still dealing with the loss of her Mum,trying to keep the home going, holding down a full time job on shift work, coming home to complete chaos everyday and cope with Dad plus look after her lovely dogs and I'm afraid Dad could be sent home this week when I feel the whole situation is unsafe for everyone, including the dogs. Dad lets them out in the street by mistake sometimes and is also aggressive with them too as well as my friend.

    Please can someone help me to help them as I am unsure what to tell her and the discharge meeting is tomorrow. Thank you.
     
  2. looviloo

    looviloo Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    464
    Female
    Cheshire
    I couldn't read this and not reply. What a dreadful situation... and what a wonderful friend you are, for providing so much support and coming here on your friend's behalf.

    We were in a similar situation earlier in the year, where dad had a serious fall, was admitted to hospital, presented with dehydration, confusion and delirium and the hospital still wanted to discharge him asap (he lived alone!). It was too horrible for words.

    All I can tell you is what I did and how it turned out... I wrote down ALL my concerns and handed a copy to anyone involved in dad's care, which included the GP, hospital consultant in charge of discharge, nurses involved in dad's care and insisted they put a copy in dad's file. Oh, and the hospital social worker assigned to dad.

    I rang everywhere I could for advice: Alzheimer's Soc, Age UK, Social Care Department. I told them all of my concerns till I was blue in the face.

    With your friend's dad, the concern about stairs would be top of my list, plus your friend's health of course. And dad not taking medication etc.

    Somehow, I managed to have my own dad admitted to a ward, which involved a change of social worker and she agreed to place dad in intermediate care for up to 6 weeks while we made decisions about the long term future. It was a life line for us, because he was still very confused and unsteady.

    So that is what I would push for if I were your friend. Some kind of temporary care and the social worker should be able to help with that, although it might need a good deal of assertive action and many telephone calls.

    Be sure that your friend tells anyone and everyone (including her sister) how unsafe her dad will be if he is discharged home, how (clinically) depressed she is right now and how she is not in a position to look after him properly and needs time to make decisions. Perhaps she can contact her own GP for advice, given her health?

    I really do feel for your friend. Nobody should be forced to act like this but unfortunately it seems to be quite common these days. Please let us know how it goes.

    Nearly forgot... my dad didn't have a dementia diagnosis at the time of his hospital stay either, although it was clear something was wrong and had been for some time. Again, the social worker eventually contacted the mental health team who assessed dad later, while he was in the home. He has moderate dementia that has progressed quite quickly since his fall.
     
  3. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    612
    Female
    Thank you Looviloo for your prompt reply. I'm glad you were able to get the help you needed at the time but I am sorry Dads dementia has progressed so rapidly. Im sending you much love and a hug as I know how tough it is as I have my Mum who has dementia living at home with me. I had different problems to deal with so was a bit out I my depth with my friend but will pass this info onto her. Thank you. Xx
     
  4. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    612
    Female
    Thank you Looviloo for your prompt reply. I'm glad you were able to get the help you needed at the time but I am sorry Dads dementia has progressed so rapidly. Im sending you much love and a hug as I know how tough it is as I have my Mum who has dementia living at home with me. I had different problems to deal with so was a bit out I my depth with my friend but will pass this info onto her. Thank you. Xx
     
  5. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    612
    Female
    Just wondered if anyone else had any advise for me to pass onto my friend? X
     
  6. jasmineflower

    jasmineflower Registered User

    Aug 27, 2012
    335
    Hi
    What a difficult situation. Couldn't read and run. I think the very first thing your friend should do is see her own GP and get some treatment for her own problems.

    Agree with the other post that she should write a list of her concerns covering every aspect of her father's care, particularly the aggression and falls risk, and give a copy to everyone involved.

    I think contacting the local Alzheimer's Society and Age UK would also be a good port of call as they might have some useful info, suggestions and contacts.

    Finally, no one can be forced to care for another adult. Your friend should tell the hospital to base the discharge on the fact that she will not be providing any care at all. All communication should go via the sister who has POA.

    It might just make them take more care in his discharge
    Jx
     
  7. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    612
    Female
    Thank you Jasmineflower. My friend is under the GP who has been helpful. She has written a list as suggested by Looviloo. I think your final paragraph is a very good point to make so thank you for that. Her appointment is at 2 this afternoon so I really hope all goes well for her.
     
  8. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,112
    +1 from me.
    Put pressure on the sister with POA, she took the responsiblity, now its time to step up.

    Bod
     
  9. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    612
    Female
    #9 tryingmybest, Dec 22, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2015
    All went well at my friends meeting and she said all I suggested, together with your kind suggestions at that meeting. SS were also there and it was all well organised. It's been decided her Dad needs to go into a care home and will not return home. She is obviously relieved not to have not been forced into something she could not do anymore. I personally feel in this particular situation, it's the right thing for them both although she is feeling sad and also guilty but that's understandable. Shes always lived with her parents and as her Mum has died and Dad is going into care is now worried the house will be sold and she and her dogs will be homeless. Does anybody know what rights she has to remain in the family home especially as her GP says she too is a vulnerable adult due to her current mental health herself?
     
  10. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,112
    Look through the fact sheets there will be one that covers this.
    Much will depend on the money situation, and your friends age and health.

    Bod
     
  11. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    612
    Female
    Thanks Bod I did have a read through but unsure still as she is in her 40's, has always lievd at home but has some mental health issues now so her GP said they may consider her to be a vulnerable adult and allow her to remain living there. It seems as though it depends which LA area you are but she is so worried she will land up with nowhere to live and having lost her mum recently to cancer and now dad going into care Im so woried about her. She really doesn't need all this stress on top of everything else.
     

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