Desperate for a diagnosis

[WanderingMary]

I feel sure my mother has dementia. She has difficulty using the right words, misunderstands what people are saying very often and has short term memory issues. But most of all she is very angry and unstable emotionally and regularly accuses me of torture, abuse and trying to murder her.

Needless, to say none of this is remotely true. For example, this evening I asked her a straightforward question that she found stressful. Simply would she like to handle something, or should I. Her reaction was to start screaming at me repeatedly, very loudly and in a very uncontrolled manner to shut up. When I tried to calm things down it got worse, with her screaming at me and sobbing, saying I torture her and I'm trying to kill her and to leave her in peace. That she's going to tell people I'm abusing her.

When I decided to leave the house for half an hour to see if things calm down, I get telephone messages saying I'm staying away to torment her. When I get home, I pop my head round her bedroom door to see if she's okay and the sobbing and accusing me of trying to kill her starts again.

I'm slightly at my wits' end. I have no diagnosis and she thinks she is absolutely fine. But I'm here at home with her because she can't cope at all - physically, mentally or emotionally - and don't work because it doesn't feel safe to leave her. Please can anyone advise what I can do in terms of support and diagnosis?

Feeling the strain rather of being accused of attempted murder and abuse so regularly and not having a diagnosis of any kind or any prospect of one. I'm an only child and there's no other close family, so I'm quite alone with all this. It breaks my heart to see and hear her like, this but I'm just at a loss as to what to do.

 

[DollyBird16]

Hi @WanderingMary
I so feel for you.
Many very wise and knowledgeable members will come with really useful advice.
I’d suggest a trip to the doc say to Mum it’s for the ‘standard elderly check that the doctors are asking everyone to go to’ Before the appointment, write to the doctor and tell them everything that is happening and say you want potential for dementia explored, along with UTI, vitamin b, calcium excess.
I’d read through lots in this forum, so you are knowledgeable beforehand and then cannot be dismissed by the Doc.
Kindest wishes, let us know how you go. X

 

[father ted]

This sounds awful!

There is a lot you haven't said. I presume this is a fairly new situation as you make no mention of going to her GP or seeking any advice from anywhere. You don't mention how old your Mum is or if this has been preceded by any illness, or if she is on medication or if this has been changed recently? I only have experience of my Mum's dementia but this sounds very extreme. Has she no moments of lucidity because it sounds relentless and to happen so suddenly without any gradual deterioration beforehand is to me strange.

Do as Dollybird16 suggests, go to GP because it is from there that you will get referred to the most appropriate services do do this urgently for your own sanity.

 

[WanderingMary]

This sounds awful!

There is a lot you haven't said. I presume this is a fairly new situation as you make no mention of going to her GP or seeking any advice from anywhere. You don't mention how old your Mum is or if this has been preceded by any illness, or if she is on medication or if this has been changed recently? I only have experience of my Mum's dementia but this sounds very extreme. Has she no moments of lucidity because it sounds relentless and to happen so suddenly without any gradual deterioration beforehand is to me strange.

Do as Dollybird16 suggests, go to GP because it is from there that you will get referred to the most appropriate services do do this urgently for your own sanity.

Thank you so much for your response. I did go to the GP about six months ago and share my concerns and situation. But my mother scraped through on the test and so it seems that's that. It's been going on, but getting steadily worse, for the best part of four years which is why I'm feeling so tired with it all. My mother does now finally accept her memory has gone a little but is adamant she doesn't have dementia. In terms of the behaviour, she only sees me as an aggressor. At times, once she gets herself into one these states, she actually hears voices. So I can be silent or calmly be telling her I love her and she'll be begging me to stop the tormenting voices and sobbing. At times she'll try to be a little violent towards me but her strength doesn't allow for any real danger.

I shall try the GP again, although I'm concerned that if they push it with her, she will tell them I'm abusive. But perhaps that wouldn't be the end of the world, and might actually lead to investigation and even diagnosis. My mother is 85 and is on no long term medication. She has had blood tests recently and was low on vitamin d and calcium but this has since been addressed.

Thank you again to both you and Dollybird16 for taking the time to reply. Very much appreciated.

 

[WanderingMary]

Thank you so much for your response. I did go to the GP about six months ago and share my concerns and situation. But my mother scraped through on the test and so it seems that's that. It's been going on, but getting steadily worse, for the best part of four years which is why I'm feeling so tired with it all. My mother does now finally accept her memory has gone a little but is adamant she doesn't have dementia. In terms of the behaviour, she only sees me as an aggressor. At times, once she gets herself into one these states, she actually hears voices. So I can be silent or calmly be telling her I love her and she'll be begging me to stop the tormenting voices and sobbing. At times she'll try to be a little violent towards me but her strength doesn't allow for any real danger.

I shall try the GP again, although I'm concerned that if they push it with her, she will tell them I'm abusive. But perhaps that wouldn't be the end of the world, and might actually lead to investigation and even diagnosis. My mother is 85 and is on no long term medication. She has had blood tests recently and was low on vitamin d and calcium but this has since been addressed.

Thank you again to both you and Dollybird16 for taking the time to reply. Very much appreciated.

I should say that this state only comes on after a stress trigger. If all is kept very calm and level, we do have some happy if slightly forgetful and confusing days. Not every day is a bad one by any means. But they are happening more and more.

 

[DollyBird16]

Mums mental health doc saw straight through her ability to ‘showcase’ and told us she had a real talent for behaving well once in front of people.
Wow does she let go after putting on a show, I think it tires here out and like you say it’s those stressful moments that trigger the behaviour. X