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Desperate and Need Help

Eastway50

New member
Jul 27, 2021
2
0
I posted on Tuesday for advice and thank you so much to all who answered.
Things have escalated since then and I am at the end of my tether.
My mum's GP referred my mum to the complex intervention team yesterday after another phone call from me about the not so positive social worker experience we had and how desperate we are now re caring for mum at home.
Then this morning because my daughter phoned me at breaking point I ended up doing a 2 hour drive to my mum's house as my daughter clearly can no longer cope being my mum's carer. I phoned the Complex Intervention Team for urgent help but 2 mental health nurses came instead. They assessed mum and spoke to my daughter and I and said they'd go back to the office to arrange for mum to get an urgent mental health assessment and then admit her to a psychiatric ward.
However a few hours later they phoned me and said their manager said this couldn't be done as it wasn't fair on my mum but instead they could offer 2 weeks respite in a care home but we'd have to get mum there. Prior to that I was also asked whether anyone else could step in to care for her at home, to which I said no.
we somehow managed to get mum in the car and into the lobby of the care home. Myself and my husband had to pop back to mum's to get her Zimmer frame and when we got back to the care home the 2 mental health nurses who were still there and the care home manager said mum was refusing to stay and that they'd taken advice and as I have power of attorney it was my job to remove mum and take her home or they'd call the police on me!
To cut a long story short I ended up crying hysterically and felt like I was having a breakdown. I got taken into the managers office at the home and told again that as her health and welfare attorney it's my job to look after her welfare and take her home and they'll look into putting more care at home in place. I told them that mum won't accept care at home as she kicks off at one visit a day let alone more. I told them again we are at breaking point. I also said I didn't want to be her attorney anymore as I didn't realise that meant I had to provide care too. I said I'd remove my daughter and grandchild from my mum's house if they send her home and mum will be left alone and she's a risk. To which I got told I'd get done for neglect then. I know it's a desperate thing to do and say but we really can't cope.
After a while they said my only option was to take mum to A and E and then leave her there and then remove my daughter and granddaughter from the house so A and E can't discharge her back home.
We tried to get an ambulance but couldn't so in the end they got my husband to drive mum to A and E and I went in the mental health nurses car as I was too upset to even look at my mum.
The mental health nurses said a mental health assessment can't be done unless mum is in the hospital. Anyway again to cut a long story short as it currently stands right now, the mental health nurses brought me back to mum's house, they've gone home and my husband is sat outside A and E still with my mum in his car as I type this. He's been there hours as She's refusing to get out and no one at the hospital will help until she goes inside.
Myself and my daughter are petrified mum will end up back at home tonight and we really can't cope. The emergency duty team won't help. No one will help. The mental health nurses left it that they'll do another urgent referral tomorrow to the Complex Intervention Team but it won't get allocated until Monday!
I still want to remove my daughter and grandchild from the house and take them to stay with me but now I feel we can't even do that as im being threatened because me and my daughter are Mum's attorneys. If my husband can't get mum into A and E and he has to bring her back here we honestly can't cope and I can't stay here as I live 2 hours away, plus I can't cope with mum anymore, but I can't leave my daughter here as she's already broken from all this.
Can anyone offer advice please?
And is that true if we are health and welfare attorneys that we have to stay and provide care if it's damaging our own mental health?
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
2,221
0
cornwall
I posted on Tuesday for advice and thank you so much to all who answered.
Things have escalated since then and I am at the end of my tether.
My mum's GP referred my mum to the complex intervention team yesterday after another phone call from me about the not so positive social worker experience we had and how desperate we are now re caring for mum at home.
Then this morning because my daughter phoned me at breaking point I ended up doing a 2 hour drive to my mum's house as my daughter clearly can no longer cope being my mum's carer. I phoned the Complex Intervention Team for urgent help but 2 mental health nurses came instead. They assessed mum and spoke to my daughter and I and said they'd go back to the office to arrange for mum to get an urgent mental health assessment and then admit her to a psychiatric ward.
However a few hours later they phoned me and said their manager said this couldn't be done as it wasn't fair on my mum but instead they could offer 2 weeks respite in a care home but we'd have to get mum there. Prior to that I was also asked whether anyone else could step in to care for her at home, to which I said no.
we somehow managed to get mum in the car and into the lobby of the care home. Myself and my husband had to pop back to mum's to get her Zimmer frame and when we got back to the care home the 2 mental health nurses who were still there and the care home manager said mum was refusing to stay and that they'd taken advice and as I have power of attorney it was my job to remove mum and take her home or they'd call the police on me!
To cut a long story short I ended up crying hysterically and felt like I was having a breakdown. I got taken into the managers office at the home and told again that as her health and welfare attorney it's my job to look after her welfare and take her home and they'll look into putting more care at home in place. I told them that mum won't accept care at home as she kicks off at one visit a day let alone more. I told them again we are at breaking point. I also said I didn't want to be her attorney anymore as I didn't realise that meant I had to provide care too. I said I'd remove my daughter and grandchild from my mum's house if they send her home and mum will be left alone and she's a risk. To which I got told I'd get done for neglect then. I know it's a desperate thing to do and say but we really can't cope.
After a while they said my only option was to take mum to A and E and then leave her there and then remove my daughter and granddaughter from the house so A and E can't discharge her back home.
We tried to get an ambulance but couldn't so in the end they got my husband to drive mum to A and E and I went in the mental health nurses car as I was too upset to even look at my mum.
The mental health nurses said a mental health assessment can't be done unless mum is in the hospital. Anyway again to cut a long story short as it currently stands right now, the mental health nurses brought me back to mum's house, they've gone home and my husband is sat outside A and E still with my mum in his car as I type this. He's been there hours as She's refusing to get out and no one at the hospital will help until she goes inside.
Myself and my daughter are petrified mum will end up back at home tonight and we really can't cope. The emergency duty team won't help. No one will help. The mental health nurses left it that they'll do another urgent referral tomorrow to the Complex Intervention Team but it won't get allocated until Monday!
I still want to remove my daughter and grandchild from the house and take them to stay with me but now I feel we can't even do that as im being threatened because me and my daughter are Mum's attorneys. If my husband can't get mum into A and E and he has to bring her back here we honestly can't cope and I can't stay here as I live 2 hours away, plus I can't cope with mum anymore, but I can't leave my daughter here as she's already broken from all this.
Can anyone offer advice please?
And is that true if we are health and welfare attorneys that we have to stay and provide care if it's damaging our own mental health?

I posted on Tuesday for advice and thank you so much to all who answered.
Things have escalated since then and I am at the end of my tether.
My mum's GP referred my mum to the complex intervention team yesterday after another phone call from me about the not so positive social worker experience we had and how desperate we are now re caring for mum at home.
Then this morning because my daughter phoned me at breaking point I ended up doing a 2 hour drive to my mum's house as my daughter clearly can no longer cope being my mum's carer. I phoned the Complex Intervention Team for urgent help but 2 mental health nurses came instead. They assessed mum and spoke to my daughter and I and said they'd go back to the office to arrange for mum to get an urgent mental health assessment and then admit her to a psychiatric ward.
However a few hours later they phoned me and said their manager said this couldn't be done as it wasn't fair on my mum but instead they could offer 2 weeks respite in a care home but we'd have to get mum there. Prior to that I was also asked whether anyone else could step in to care for her at home, to which I said no.
we somehow managed to get mum in the car and into the lobby of the care home. Myself and my husband had to pop back to mum's to get her Zimmer frame and when we got back to the care home the 2 mental health nurses who were still there and the care home manager said mum was refusing to stay and that they'd taken advice and as I have power of attorney it was my job to remove mum and take her home or they'd call the police on me!
To cut a long story short I ended up crying hysterically and felt like I was having a breakdown. I got taken into the managers office at the home and told again that as her health and welfare attorney it's my job to look after her welfare and take her home and they'll look into putting more care at home in place. I told them that mum won't accept care at home as she kicks off at one visit a day let alone more. I told them again we are at breaking point. I also said I didn't want to be her attorney anymore as I didn't realise that meant I had to provide care too. I said I'd remove my daughter and grandchild from my mum's house if they send her home and mum will be left alone and she's a risk. To which I got told I'd get done for neglect then. I know it's a desperate thing to do and say but we really can't cope.
After a while they said my only option was to take mum to A and E and then leave her there and then remove my daughter and granddaughter from the house so A and E can't discharge her back home.
We tried to get an ambulance but couldn't so in the end they got my husband to drive mum to A and E and I went in the mental health nurses car as I was too upset to even look at my mum.
The mental health nurses said a mental health assessment can't be done unless mum is in the hospital. Anyway again to cut a long story short as it currently stands right now, the mental health nurses brought me back to mum's house, they've gone home and my husband is sat outside A and E still with my mum in his car as I type this. He's been there hours as She's refusing to get out and no one at the hospital will help until she goes inside.
Myself and my daughter are petrified mum will end up back at home tonight and we really can't cope. The emergency duty team won't help. No one will help. The mental health nurses left it that they'll do another urgent referral tomorrow to the Complex Intervention Team but it won't get allocated until Monday!
I still want to remove my daughter and grandchild from the house and take them to stay with me but now I feel we can't even do that as im being threatened because me and my daughter are Mum's attorneys. If my husband can't get mum into A and E and he has to bring her back here we honestly can't cope and I can't stay here as I live 2 hours away, plus I can't cope with mum anymore, but I can't leave my daughter here as she's already broken from all this.
Can anyone offer advice please?
And is that true if we are health and welfare attorneys that we have to stay and provide care if it's damaging our own mental health?
No it isn't. You do not have to care for her.Social services have the Duty of Care. I want my dad to go into a home as he is unsafe.(Care visits x4 and no overnight care.) Plus immobile. He is refusing so I have stepped back.I'm no longer doing his medication etc.Or any personal care. I'm waiting for a crisis as he is deemed to have"capacity "..Personally I would inform Social Services and say you are withdrawing care.She is a "vulnerable adult and remind them they have Duty of Care".
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,550
0
South coast
What a terrible situation. The emotional blackmail to force family members to care beyond their ability is astounding. I do hope that something was sorted last night.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Tell SS that you can "no longer meet her needs" as they are now beyond your ability and they have a "duty of care " to a "vulnerable adult"
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,571
0
I'm so sorry you are meeting such obstruction. In my understanding having health and welfare and financial LPA means you are there to look out for your mother's needs, not that you have to provide them all.
I hope things have been resolved, at least to a degree but I think you need to phone the support line and get their advice You can contact them on 0333 150 3456 or dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk. They are open now.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,958
0
High Peak
This is absolutely horrendous. The social worker who told you that as Attorney, you must look after your mother should be sacked. Not only is this unacceptable emotional blackmail, it's also untrue.

Your duty is to act in her best interests, which you are doing by trying to get further assessments or moving her to a care home. You and your poor daughter have done everything you can, you've gone above and beyond what anyone could reasonably expect.

Your mother may well say she refuses to go in a home or whatever, but someone (health professional or social worker) needs to determine that she no longer has enough mental capacity to understand her own health needs. Once that is established, she can be moved or kept in a care home whether she likes it or not.

Unfortunately, you are probably going to have to step back and let the crisis happen for this to be actioned. I know it sounds awful, I know it sounds cruel but you're getting no support and it really is the only way. Or phone her an ambulance but don't be there (or in contact) when it arrives. Let your mother deal with the paramedics herself. I'm sure they will quickly see that she can't be left to her own devices any longer.

As for that line about 'you will be done for neglect if you don't take care of her' - I am absolutely astounded. No you won't. Social Services have the duty of care, not you. You really must point this out to them when they make these awful accusations. I am really angry on your behalf that you've been treated like this.
 

silkiest

Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
365
0
Hi @Eastway50,
this is the most obvious abuse of power that I have ever heard of. I would be going direct to my MP and the local papers.
Threats can work when nothing else does. My son was receiving totally inadequate care in hospital last year. Daughter in law bless her reminded the complaints team that their business had a large number of followers and unless they sorted him she would regrettably have to tell her followers - never seen such a quick about face.
 

End of my tether!

New member
Jun 11, 2021
8
0
This is absolutely ludicrous! A solicitor can have Power of Attorney for a person with dementia and social services wouldn't expect the solicitor to go to their home and actually carry out the care, they would expect them to arrange the care in the best interests of that person. Just keep fighting and stating what's needed and remind them that it is Social Services that have the duty of care for your mum. Do keep posting for support too.