Desperate advice needed

[tryingmybest]

Many of you are aware there is an ongoing court case relating to my mother who currently resides with me but whom my sister is hoping to live with her despite my mother wanting to remain with me. She is also trying to get financial deputyship despite there being a police investigation re her handling of mums money previously. She is also trying to get health and welfare and control of who mum sees and speaks to. I have now applied for deputyship and am objecting to everything, as well as being advised to do so by the police as neither my mum or I were ever notified of this application to the court in the first place!! Prior to this my sister had had no contact with mum for at least ten years!!

Two hearings in and with another coming up and having had to comply with many officials coming to my home to question mum on various things relating to the above and also having my home thoroughly scrutinised for suitability for my mother to remain with me (its a joke, I have a beautiful home and have made many adaptations to make mums life easier at my own expense such as handrails, walk in shower etc), things are not moving forward.

The main sticking point is because it was decided at the last hearing my mum must have twice weekly contact with my sister. I had a court order issued to me by the judge to try and facilitate this but mum has refused to go each time. Various suggestions have been made including Ss trying to facilitate this by coming to get mum and try to take her in their car to my sister!! They have also phoned my mother direct on each contact day to ask her to go and to question her why she doesn't want to go. Nobody is respecting my mums wishes that she simply doesn't want to go.

I dont know what to do. How do they think I am able to force my mum to go and why should I? They think I am trying to stop contact because of my own feelings but I am not!! If my mum doesn't want to go, her word should be enough shouldn't it?

There is now talk of forcing me to go to mediation to resolve my "issues with my sister" and also to make me allow contact to take place at my home. Can this be enforced? I'm in such a state as if I dont agree they may take mum away after the next court hearing as they say I am not able to deal with mums emotional needs! I cant make mum see my sister yet I don't think it fair I should be made to allow my sister into my home just so that contact forcibly is able to take place!

Please help me. I'm not sleeping, or eating and feel if Im not careful my health will suffer and I have to keep well and strong for mum. I sometimes feel I'm on the edge of a breakdown!!

 

[bemused1]

I wish I had advice to offer tmb but the best I can offer is have you tried the various carers helplines? I do not see how somebody as vulnerable as your mother can be forced to have contact with someone she doesn't want to see. Or in fact you.
I think you really need informed advice, this is obviously not something you can continue to tackle alone.
I am so sorry this is continuing to happen to you. I wish there was something else I could say. Only that I am beside you when you need someone to think of you and support you.
Keep telling us what happens we are all beside you
I don't think h and w poa allows her to control who your mother sees or has contact with, I have for my husband and I didn't read it that way. Also cannot be used unless the donor does not have capacity, is this the case for your mum?

 

[tryingmybest]

Thank you bemused1 for your reply. As I only read these proposals on Friday, I did not think to contact any helplines because this is the litigation friend/official solicitor acting for my mother as employed by the court not us. It is a COP application not an LPA/POA. My mum has never been formally diagnosed with dementia but the other week a court visitor who is a psychiatrist, deemed my mum had no capacity to deal with or understand these matters (in just a half hour chat with her). I disagree as I feel she does have capacity to know with whom she wishes to live and see but does need help with money which I already do as appointee with DWP for her bank account. I wonder if any helplines are open today? However I doubt they have come across anything like this as its fairly rare!!

I'm being made out to be the wicked one in all of this which is so unfair and I cant understand why so called professionals are taken in with all her lies, none of which have been substantiated with any evidence whatsoever! All my statements have been fully back up with hard evidence but they seem to favour her and I wonder if any of my stuff has even been read!!! X

 

[bemused1]

Not sure whether helplines will be open today.
There is just no understanding the ' professional ' mind these days. In a far less potentially serious situation I also am cast in a bad light, when stress caused by the people who are supposed to be helping are causing me so much stress I am nearly at breaking point.

Would it be worth posting this in' I care for someone with dementia'? Possibly more people will see it and someone may be able to come up with something useful

It seems to me that carer stress is being used as a weapons now rather than a reason to give carers the support they need

 

[tryingmybest]

I know exactly what you mean. These people reckon they are acting in mum best interests yet are just playing with an old lady's life and completely have no understanding on how its affecting her on a day to day basis with all this uncertainty of where she is going to live, who she will be allowed to see and who will take care of her affairs. Sorry you too are going through so much. Why is it those of us who have empathy, compassion and go beyond the call of duty to care for a loved one seem to be so bullied and ill thought of. Hugs to you. Xx

 

[canary]

Oh how awful and stressful for you both.
I can only suggest that you meet somewhere neutral - and perhaps not tell your mum that you are meeting your sister, just going out for coffee and "happen" to bump into her.
And take someone with you as a witness

 

[tryingmybest]

Thanks Canary. That is exactly the idea my fiance has come up with a few moments ago. I feel uncomfortable with the deceit of doing it that way and of the fact its not allowing Mum to make her own decision on whether to see her, but at at least if I suggest it, it may stop decisions being made out of my control in court. How often I can get away with keep arranging to bump into her before Mum realises though?! Xx

 

[Sue J]

They think I am trying to stop contact because of my own feelings but I am not!! If my mum doesn't want to go, her word should be enough shouldn't it?

Yes tmb, your Mum's word should be enough. The emphasis from the professionals should be on asking your sister to consider why your Mum doesn't wish to see her and what is her insistence on seeing her having not done so for so long. It must be awful for you and distressing for your Mum who is expressing her feelings.

Dementia sufferers lose much but their feelings are what help them 'gauge' the world around them and if these are over-ridden it will not help anyone, least of all them. I battle with the professionals when they want me to do something they 'think' I should be doing for my wellbeing, like going and having a coffee with someone who I would never have chosen to do that with when well so why should I now because I experience dementia symptoms, the latter are hard enough to deal without coercion into some activity which more suits their idea of what's good for me. I never used to swear but come close to telling some of them unashamedly to ****** off

SS should investigate your sister's motives it sounds like. Sorry it is so awful for you when you are the one shouldering the real day to day caring burden which no doubt wouldn't feel so much a burden without all this 'interference'

I hope you get some good advice somewhere, have you tried CAB at all?
Best wishes
Sue

 

[tryingmybest]

Thank you for your post Sue and in helping me to see this from another angle and the way in which you have been made to feel. Very useful. I have contacted organisations in the past but they haven't a clue about a case like this sadly and I've felt so alone dealing with this and representing myself in court. X

 

[jan.s]

Hi tmb your pm box is full. X

 

[tryingmybest]

Thanks emptied now. Xx

 

[CollegeGirl]

I'm horrified and so so sorry to hear what's happening to your mum and you, tmb. I'm afraid I don't have any advice and have no idea what you should do, but I just wanted to offer you my support, too, and my shoulder, for what it's worth. I can understand how close to the edge you must feel. God I hope someone listens to you and your mum very soon and that this mess is sorted out. Big hugs and much love xx

 

[nita]

As hard as it seems, I think it is in your best interests to be 'reasonable' in this situation and accommodate the court's wishes. If you don't comply with the court order, it could be seen in a bad light when it comes to the next hearing. Also, it could appear, if they say your Mum doesn't have capacity, that you are overly influencing her. Assessments of capacity are made in a short space of time - it was about half an hour in my mother's case, and I think that it is probably enough time to judge.

When you say your Mum doesn't want to go to see your sister, does she show a real aversion to the idea or perhaps just doesn't want to go out? If there is a real antipathy towards her, then that will come out when they meet. I think the idea of taking her out and someone from SS being present is the best one. As long as your mother has someone to support her if she is upset, it will be all right. As has already been suggested, you could ask a mental health advocate to support her and you and to be present at the meeting.

You have to try and stay calm about this and remember your ultimate goal is to have your Mum living permanently with you. Perhaps the court wants to see evidence of how she interacts with your sister which, if she reacts badly, can only work in your favour. Try not to panic and remember, you may have to give way a little as your sister has a certain claim being a close relative too, which is how the court is viewing it.

 

[Mrsbusy]

Just an idea but maybe read up on Cafcass and children access cases and advice as I have been through similar with my ex husband and he ended up with supervised contact. Social workers often observe meetings take notes and give their opinion of situation, reactions etc with supervised contact visits for children, maybe the same could be applied here.

Diarise every contact meeting and give your opinion etc of how it went what was said and if any after effects, eg bedwetting, stress before visits, decline in wellbeing, especially note if Mother is constantly on about it beforehand or after.

The courts will probably wish to speak to your mother alone as may put to her that you have influenced her or put opinions of sister etc so you must be careful how you say things in reply or about your sister. Eg if your mum says something detrimental then don't say the first thing that you feel like saying eg I know she's a deceitful person as she may repeat this to the wrong person. Bite your tongue and try to skim over her comment by 'oh is that what you thought' or really? Maybe I don't know. You have appear impartial even though you don't feel that way, just in case things are quoted out of context. Good luck.