Despairing shared

[Dutchman]

Hello Rosebush. She looks at the clock and it’s meaningless. Say two hours time and that is not understood. Because it’s mixed with anxiety she needs to be somewhere hours before the actual time. Relaxation has gone. It goes to show how much we all manipulate time in our minds automatically.

 

[northumbrian_k]

I can't really add anything except empathy for your plight @Dutchman. So many people are going through similar situations everyday, too tied up in their hopeless battles with dementia to look after their own wellbeing. I have 'moved on' now that my wife is in residential care, but even that is just a different way of being alone. Reading your post and all the replies from people who really understand what you are going through has made me emotional in a way that it would not have done if my wife was still living here - although the wife I knew was not here in any real sense. I do hope that you get a chance of some respite, time to relax and happiness sometime soon. You deserve it.

 

[Dutchman]

After all the anxiety of yesterday where we had not only problems over Sunday opening times she also needed to go the hospital to look for her husband ( me ) and I give in to avoid major arguments although I do drive there under a cloud of severe annoyance.( this has happened 4 times before).

When we get there she asks the receptionist ‘ my husband has been missing several months do you know where he is?’ I show the receptionist a ready made card indicating the problem. The receptionist suggests she follows me. So off we go to several clinics, which being Sunday, are empty.

In the end she gives up and we go home but, by this time, I’m very annoyed and just want my day back. And, guess what, later she apologised. That’s bizarre as she never said sorry before. I have my own health concerns, my wonderful cat has only weeks to live and my coping space is getting smaller by the day. I used to use a exercise bike but have no enthusiasm for it now so I’d better watch the need to take care of myself. Oh, and Trump has turned up. How worse can it get?

 

[dancer12]

Hi @Dutchman

If we were playing cards, I'd have screamed SNAP in an instant!

Over the last 5 years or more, I seem to have been able to get through the turmoil of emotions of watching the person I adore, slowly disappearing before my eyes. But what eats away at my soul relentlessly, is the awful feeling of loneliness.

I am not alone (we have 2 sons living nearby), but like you, I've lost the person who used to be there for me. The one who would bring me a cup of tea when I was grafting at some DIY task - the one who would scratch my back - the one who would share my worries - the one who would support me, no matter what!

I have just bought a new car. I only went in to get a tyre/wheel problem sorted out. It's dangerous to leave me unattended in a car showroom for an hour and for once, my heart ruled my head. It was a rare selfish "something for me" moment and it felt great, but oh how I miss sharing my delight with my dear wife. After I had picked it up, I collected her from the day centre and I don't think she was even aware that she was getting in a different car.

I applaud all of you lovely carers out there - we are in an exclusive "club" that none of us signed up for.

Best wishes.
Phil

Hi Philbo:

And thus the TPer's LONELY HEARTS CLUB was born. Membership Fee - PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING, COPING SKILLS, etc. etc. etc.
Have a nice day.

 

[Philbo]

Hi Philbo:

And thus the TPer's LONELY HEARTS CLUB was born. Membership Fee - PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING, COPING SKILLS, etc. etc. etc.
Have a nice day.

Very true - though all of the above are wearing VERY thin

 

[dancer12]

Very true - though all of the above are wearing VERY thin

They say in one ear out the other. Wish it was so simple, mine always gets stuck in the middle and gets surrounded by emotions before it goes out the other ear.

 

[Dutchman]

They say in one ear out the other. Wish it was so simple, mine always gets stuck in the middle and gets surrounded by emotions before it goes out the other ear.

I’ve started to read John Suchet’s book My Bonnie and his support during his wife’s dementia. Its got me to thinking that I can’t remember anymore what is was like having a normal conversation with my wife. I suppose it started to be lost about two years ago and over time has deteriorated into single words. We used to chat in the car all the time. Now nothing. I can’t remember her chatty voice and how I wish that somehow I could have recorded it but we never think it’s necessary do we? I wish so many things could return and be bit more normal. You know, there were times, years ago, when I wish she would stop talking and stop hogging the conversation with friends. I even got irritated over it. I would give all we have in the world to have those times back. I can’t remember her conversation voice and it stops me dead in my tracks.

 

[Olliebeak]

Dear Dutchman
I so empathise with everything you have written. A normal conversation is the thing I possibly miss most. After a very trying day today including half an hour looking for his wallet (again! - for no reason at all it was in the spare bedroom / his junk room). To try and lift the mood I showed OH a photoshopped picture doing the Facebook rounds of Trump going into the banquet with the Queen, carrying his takeaway Burger King meal and wearing a Burger King crown which I though was really funny. He actually thought it was a real and wanted to know what the Queen thought about it! Gave up. Time for a G&T!

 

[dancer12]

I’ve started to read John Suchet’s book My Bonnie and his support during his wife’s dementia. Its got me to thinking that I can’t remember anymore what is was like having a normal conversation with my wife. I suppose it started to be lost about two years ago and over time has deteriorated into single words. We used to chat in the car all the time. Now nothing. I can’t remember her chatty voice and how I wish that somehow I could have recorded it but we never think it’s necessary do we? I wish so many things could return and be bit more normal. You know, there were times, years ago, when I wish she would stop talking and stop hogging the conversation with friends. I even got irritated over it. I would give all we have in the world to have those times back. I can’t remember her conversation voice and it stops me dead in my tracks.

Hi Dutchman:

I do feel for you, it is difficult, there are no instructions for not feeling what we feel. It hurts and it hurts a lot. I remember watching this movie and about this one young couple who were married for about 5 years. Their whole life was ahead of them. A car crash ended that, the husband passed on and the wife was distraught, Every night she would wake up crying. One night the phone rang, she went to pick it up, wasn't quick enough and the answering machine came on. She heard his voice. She kept that and cherished it forever & ever. Look around you will be surprised what you might find. she might like a photo session where she puts on feminine dresses & hats (she might play the queen of England) you play photographer with music & all the lights. Let your imagination soar.