Despair and resentment

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Jaycee23, Aug 2, 2014.

  1. Jaycee23

    Jaycee23 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2011
    Hi I have not contributed to talking point for a while now but have been reading peoples problems and experiences and felt I reached a point where you run out of things to help and just feel despair. My mum has been in the emi nursing home for 15 months now after a unsettling 8 months in a psychiatric ward after sectioning. Before the dementia my mum has always been someone who was suspicious of peoples intentions and very quick tempered, aggressive. When she started to show symptoms of this disease these behaviours just increased. She never gives up and never stands down. She has always been someone who will not give in and if she had to she would sulk for days. When she was put in the emi unit she just would not settle and constant questioning about going home or going on holiday. We tried taking her away etc when she was at home and it did not work as she would then want to go home. Because my brother and sister and brother in law have been an absolute nightmare to deal with, my mum was suffering. When we were young she was fiery and has hit people because she felt they were wrong. I can recall a time when my parents were in a pub and she ripped out a ladies earrings because she said lady tried to stamp on her foot over a pub stool! My dad and cousin had to pull her off and this lady was nearly 6foot and my mum is only 4ft 7". Well we have had a few incidences in the home where mum has attacked the residents because she thinks they are doing something or looking at her funny or they simply get on her nerves. The nurse phoned me yesterday to say that mum likes to be on her own all the time and will not participate in anything and they have to watch her if she goes into the lounge and walks down the corridor back to her room and if there are other residents near her. Well they didn't watch her and she violently attacked another lady scratching her face and they had trouble pulling her off. The nurse said it has been reported to the family and they are going to request the mental health team assess her. The nurse says she constantly wants to die (she says this to me to). Mum is able to feed, dress, communicate her feelings and very miserable. I wonder if they are going to take her out of the home back into the hospital. I am her only daughter that visits and my brother and sister never visit (another story). I know she is missing them but they have caused so much trouble and threats and I am not going to contact them. My brother is narcistic and very unpredictable. The staff are scared of him and to be honest I know mum misses him but he is seriously incapable of feeling empathy and used emotional abuse on mum before she went to hospital. I am wondering whether mum has a hidden mental illness and also my brother who is also paranoid about people and makes up lies about people. I do not have the answers and feel powerless to help my mum and if my siblings start to visit I know that I would walk away as the pain my husband and I had to endure when mum first became ill fell on deaf ears in every organisation. Even the police did not want to get involved. I have coped so far but as mums aggression is increasing I can feel the resentment in visiting. Sorry for this off load.
  2. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    eastern USA
    Hello. You *have* had your share, haven't you? The aggression you describe, not just on your mother's part but on your brother's, does suggest there have been underlying issues all along. It's too late, perhaps, in your mother's case to see that they are addressed, but it might help out your brother if his paranoia and aggression could be managed better. There are medications that can be used to subdue those with dementia, and I guess your doctor has probably tried them, but if not, maybe it's time to ring the gp and see what is available now to help mitigate these behaviors in the home.

    I think just coming here to vent helps, too. My heart goes out to you. Sad times for you and OH.
  3. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    So glad you have found this site and have offloaded a bit. I hope you find it helps. I can see that involving your siblings is not what you want and potentially harmful. I'm glad the care home she is in realises what your mum is capable of. What does her GP think? Is there any medication that would help lift the depression and paranoia she feels? She will always be someone who needs to be watched as people are unpredictable and potentially dangerous, but if her mood could be lifted she would be in a much happier place.
    Do keep sharing your feelings, it's so helpful not only to let them go yourself but for others to read and to feel that they aren't the only ones in the world suffering too.

    All the very best xxx
  4. worn out

    worn out Registered User

    Jul 4, 2014
    hello jaycee
    dont apologise for offloading . I would say it was essential and we all do it.I feel for you so much, i also have a very difficult mum(the dementia,as you say,has simply exaggerated the nastiness).Im sure my mum has an underlying mental illness but no one official seems to recognise it.I have just had an evening of being shouted at as everything i said or did was apparently i know to some extent what you are going through.I cant think of what to do either but please safeguard yourself.maybe some medication might lift her mood?
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    I am glad you felt free to offload here. God knows dementia is hard enough to deal with anyway, let alone when someone already had very difficult personality traits and family members are difficult or obstructive, or actively make trouble. It would be good to think that some sort of medication could help your mum if she is so miserable, but you yourself can only do so much, and it sounds as if the end of your tether is very frayed already.
    Do please offload again here whenever you need to, if it helps.
  6. Jaycee23

    Jaycee23 Registered User

    Jan 6, 2011
    Thank you for your replies. Nurse is going to contact the mental health team on Monday. Apparently she is on the maximum dose of medications she can take. I do not feel the home no the answers and when mum stays in her room and anyone attempts to go in she shouts for them to leave her alone. She is isolated and lonely and unable to see that staying in the room does not help but if she goes out of the room she seems to be the only one that can actually communicate. She hates everyone there and they all seem to be more advanced in the dementia state and mum is probably there due to her aggression and numerous attempts to escape. She always welcomes me in her room as she sees me as a means of coming home. When she realises that is not the case she sulks. A few weeks ago she said she prayed to God to let her go and be with my dad who died three years ago. She said she did this every night and said it would be just like him to make her live a long and miserable life in there. Not sure if she really knows where she is as one minute she says she wants to go home and then says that it is her room and where is all her things. I offered to bring things from home (sister locked all mums bedroom doors so that I cannot get in and I have been unsuccessful in persuading her to go and get her things. Police and social services not interested) Last October her social worker filled forms for the local authority to take control of her finances. I had been contacted SS via email asking how long before mum can have some money and did not get any replies. I finally managed to speak to someone in May and they said mum does not have a social worker anymore. The court of protection said that the forms have sat on their desk for over six months incomplete!! I have had to fight to get something done and to find out who is actually caring for my mums finances. SS not interested as mum is under continuing care. They were only interested when they thought mum would need to pay and were all for taking action. I rang the head of social services and basically said that they were ignoring their responsibilities and that because they would not take my brother to court for emotional abuse (they knew this was happening) because it would cost them money they tried to avoid it. The only good social worker who could see what was happening and had a bit of guts left when mum was discharged from the mental health hospital. Now my mums neighbour is complaining about mums garden which is rather big and not been cut for two years! I have been told that if I go into the house I would be at risk. I feel angry at those who are supposed to help people like my mum and angry at my mum and dad for bringing up children who have turned out obnoxious. My husbands theory of me not being like them is the fact that I am profoundly deaf and probably not so aware of the environment I grew up in. I did not have a good childhood and aware of my mums constant temper. I am glad that I never have behaved like that with my children. I would say the only thing I think I have is OCD with house work and order due to my upbringing of being made to do all housework and washing and looking after my sister. All school holidays consisted of me doing all chores to keep my mum happy. If I did go out with friends I would come back with piles of washing up waiting for me and if I was away all weekend the washing up was stacked up waiting! I just feel all this resentment is suddenly appearing again. Thank goodness for TP and thank goodness for you all. Apologies again.
  7. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    How amazing that all this resentment is simmering yet you still care about your Mums well being! Continue to be her advocate but step back a bit emotionally. Your birth family are not good for you and you have a husband and children who need happiness in their lives. Do what you can for Mum but dispassionately if possible.

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