1. gene genie

    gene genie Registered User

    Apr 26, 2017
    With heartbreaking sadness I've taken the descion to put my mum into a care home,it's been harder than I can explain,but very much taken with the words of the t.p. members words in my ears.
    I have to do what mum needs and not what she wants as sad as that is.
    My health is not good & mums is poor, she is virtually immobile and I cannot toilet and transfer several times a day and possibly 2-3 times a night.
    The guilt monster is on overtime at my shoulder I'm devastated to have to do this my main comfort are the words of the social worker, he said it isn't you that's putting your mum in a home altzheimers is!
  2. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    That is so true and some very sensible words fron the SW that we have said often on TP. You have done a wonderful job caring for your mum and you will still be her carer except now you have a team around you. Your health must come first. Your mum if she was able would say the same.
  3. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Wise wise, words.

  4. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    gene genie,

    You have coped for as long as you could. You have done all that is possible and all that you are capable of so no one could ask anymore of you. As you know from reading all the posts on here so many of us feel guilty for resorting to residential care. I did with my Mum. But for us all it comes when all other options are closed to us for one reason or another so try not to let guilt overtake your thoughts.
    Instead help Mum settle, see she has all she needs, make your visits pleasurable for both of you and rest assured that you were brave and caring enough to make the right decision.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It's the most heartrending decision anyone can make and those of us who've been there know how you feel. I'm sure you have timed this because a crisis may have been looming so please get rid of that guilt monster.

    You will not be abandoning your mother , you will simply have others to share the caring and take some of the weight off your shoulders.

    The time you will continue to have with her will be quality time, not stress induced time.
  6. YorkshireLass

    YorkshireLass Registered User

    Feb 15, 2017
    gene genie, this is a dreadful time that's for sure. So many of us have been there and like so many on here I never, ever believed I would have to do this. So many wise words offered. I hope in a few weeks time you will feel as I did that now there is a team of people (which includes you) looking after your mum. Folks that share the caring and they will care for you too.Sending a big hug xxx
  7. Lancashirelady

    Lancashirelady Registered User

    Oct 7, 2014
    You have to try and not let the guilt monster take you over. Your dear Mum has needs that you can't be expected to manage, especially if your own health is not good. Making yourself ill would not do your Mum any favours. I'm sure when the dust settles you'll see that you are both better off and you can really enjoy your relationship in future without all the stresses at home.
  8. carolynp

    carolynp Registered User

    Mar 4, 2018
    Dear GG I am so relieved to read your post. I heartily agree with everything that's been said here in response. Well done! So hard but thank goodness you've managed it - and thank goodness for the lovely social worker and his wise words! Sending you hugs and also many pats on the back. Carolyn.
  9. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    East Midlands
    @gene genie you have done the very best thing for your mum & for you & your social worker is very wise.

    Would my mum want to be in a care home? No not at all, but her needs have overtaken what she wants & it’s up to me to make that decision for her. If she falls in the care home, someone will be there to pick her up in minutes.

    If she fell at home then she could be on the floor for hours with no help, get cold, have a heart attack etc & I don’t want to live with that idea or thought.

    We will try & make her as happy as possible in the care home & make her room homely etc & I guess you will do the same. Big hugs xx

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