1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. jeanierec

    jeanierec Registered User

    May 7, 2007
    121
    north yorkshire
    Mum has been very low over the last couple of weeks but today for the first time did she actually say " I`m really depressed " when I suggested seeing her Dr and maybe getting her on anti depressants ( sorry having trouble with the spelling)
    she said lets wait and see so I came back at her saying it was all about quality of life to which she responded she feels her life is over . Does this suggest to anyone that she`s more aware of her condition than she seems.

    Now maybe I`m being a little over optimistic but when she`s on the higher dose of Aricept which may stop the memory getting any worse for a while would I be right in pushing for the anti depressants ( still can`t spell it ) and reassuring her that she still has loads to live for . She`s doing now what I most feared and that is giving up whilst at the same time trying to reassure me she`s ok.

    I keep dipping in and out of everyones posts and although I`ve said it before I have to say it again everyone elses troubles seem much bigger than mine I guess at the beginning of this journey I just need some guidence and again I feel really selfish that I`m not supporting others as much as I`d like to basically through lack of knowledge

    There was a piece in the papers today written by Amanda Holden about her grandpa who had Alzheimers and was taking Aricept now I always pass Sundays papers on to Mum and as she likes Amanda I`m thinking twice about taking that bit out as she may read it and realise ( if she hasn`t already ) that she has AD I don`t know what to do for the best.

    Why am I so pathetic , did you all start off knowing nothing, I hate taking and not giving any thing back, I`ve always been the listener and advisor and I am finding it increasingly difficult to ask for help `cos I don`t feel I`m contributing anything please tell me what I can give in return for all your kindnesses.I`m reading this back and realising I`m even more pathetic than I thought I was and also I sound angry with myself I don`t want to stop talking to you but I don`t know how to take without giving and I feel so inadequate in the light of everyones troubles.

    Jeannie x
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,668
    Kent
    Dear dear Jeanie,

    Please stop apologizing for your posts, and your spelling [which is fine] and everything else you can think of.

    You know as much as anyone else about your mum`s condition, about Alzheimers, about insight, about depression.

    You are giving as much as anyone else.

    Your mum does sound depressed and she also sounds as if she`s quite aware of her condition.

    I have no personal experience about the benefits of Aricept, as it didn`t agree with my husband, but I do Know how much it has helped those who can take it.

    It must be very difficult not to be depressed, not to feel your life is over, and to think there`s lots to live for, when given this diagnosis. It must also be hard to feel the need to reassure the ones you love that you`ll be all right.

    I might be wrong Jeanie, and forgive me if I am, but I feel the best way for you to help your mother, and I know how much you want to, is to let her know you are there to help and support her in any way you can, rather than try to cheer her up.

    Let her take her time to choose what she wants, let her ask you for help when she feels she needs it.

    It sounds as if your mother has accepted the diagnosis. You, seem to be doing all you can to make things better.

    I hope I haven`t spoken out of turn or misunderstood your situation.

    My heart goes out to both of you.

    Take care.

    Love xx
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    ... nobody is measuring! [except you...;) ]

    TP is not something short term, or with targets for how much needs to be given in the way of support, when the support of others has been taken.

    In time, you may be in a position to help others who are where you are today.

    Or you may not.

    It doesn't matter. The key thing is that TP is here when somebody needs it. The large number of members means that the support can be spread, so no one person bears too much strain. The large number also means that a whole variety of views is available on any topic.

    You have a lot on your plate. Please give priority to your needs and those of your Mum - that is what is important at present.

    Take care
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Jeannie love, we all started off knowing nothing -- with the exception perhaps of a few members who have medical training, and even that is not the same as personal experience.

    Don't put yourself down. You are at the beginning of a (possibly) long journey. Some of us are further along the road, but we all had that feeling of panic that we wouldn't be able to cope. Still do, to be honest!

    Don't worry about giving something back, either. We all needed a lot of help and support in the early days, and now are able to support those who are just beginning; one day you'll be in that position, and your experience will help others -- if that is what you want to do. For the moment, just lean on us, that's what TP is about.

    Your mum may well be depressed, it is quite common in the early days, so it is well worth talking to her GP and seeing if he thinks she needs medication.

    Is there also a possibility that you too are depressed? You sound so down, and your feelings of inadequacy are a possible symptom. Might it be worth talking to your own GP? He may suggest a self-help counsellor, somone who will enable you to work your way through all those doubts you are feeling.

    Just a thought, ignore me if I'm wrong!:)

    Take care, (and don't worry about spelling -- nobody cares about that, we're concerned about you.

    Love,
     
  5. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Dear Jeanie,

    Like you I dip in and out of other people's posts and feel that I'm not much help to others. My Mum gets depressed too and is not so far along the line as other AD sufferers. The suggestion that you may be depressed too is also interesting, because I felt terribly low with it all too and kept bursting into tears whenever someone asked how I was. I felt that "enough was enough" and my doctor has now put me on extremely mild anti depressants, I'm not swinging from the chandeliers (which I wouldn't want anyway) but do feel a bit more balanced about it all and better equipped to cope.

    Having said that, the best thing I have done in the last few weeks is to join the TP forum. Even without discussing the "give and take" dilemmas we have, it has helped me no end in that I have a whole lot of new friends out there and we all understand how each other feels. That has to be a huge help with depression as one of the problems I had found with dealing with my Mum was the huge feeling of loneliness and helplessness.

    I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,668
    Kent
    I can honestly say TP has been the only reason I have been able to hold it together so far. Without it, I don`t know where I would have been or what level of care my husband would be getting. I will never be able to thank all members enough, for their support, and that includes the newer members too.

    You are all invaluable.

    With love xx
     
  8. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Sylvia

    You have been there for all of us, with words of encouragment, support and comfort, with your sense of humour, even though you are going through a very tough time yourself.
    There were times when I felt alone and thought I'd made the wrong decision to have Mum come to live with us.
    When I found this forum and read other peoples situations, it gave me the support I needed and as hard as it might get, I know TP will be there, with all it's members to help me cope, with advise, information or to just take time out for a laugh.
    There are SO many members in difficult and sad situations that have made me realise
     
  9. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Jeanie,

    Don't worry about asking for help. You may not realise it, but just reading a post from someone who has the same worries as you, and reading the replies can be a huge help (if only to reassure us that we are not alone).

    My Dad has bouts of depression and was on anti-depressants (I think that IS how you spell it, isn't it?) before being prescribed Ebixa as he was unsuitable for Aricept. We felt that the anti-depressants made him 'tune-out' and confused him more. This may of course just have been the particular anti-depressant he was prescribed or his reaction to it.

    He still gets depressed but then very quickly seems to get over the depression and can be up beat for quite a time. I suppose that could be the nature of the illness, although my Dad has always been the sort of person who is 'right up there or way down there', never a happy medium for him. :)

    Again like your Mum he doesn't know that he has AD (he was told but has 'forgotten'), but he is aware that he is not himself, that he does things wrong, that he can no longer drive etc. This I think is the main reason for his depression.

    I was very down at first, having to turn off the radio when certain songs came on for fear of bursting in to tears and so on, but that has passed for me (for the moment - who knows for how long?).

    I think when you consider yourself to be a capable person and then you come across a problem like AD when, no matter what you do, you can't make it better, it is hard. Don't be too hard on yourself.

    I hope things improve for you and your Mum soon.

    Sue
     
  10. jeanierec

    jeanierec Registered User

    May 7, 2007
    121
    north yorkshire
    Thankyou to everyone for your support . It does help so much when others identify with your own feelings of inadequacy .

    I`m taking Mum to the eye clinic on wednesday so we can determine whether or not she has suffered any damage with regards to her glaucoma through not taking the correct medication .

    When thats sorted out I shall make an appointment with a solicitor to arrange the EPA and when thats taken care of we`ll guage her mood and perhaps visit her GP to try and put her back on an even keel we might even change those last two around depending on how she`s doing but definatly one thing at a time .

    On a really positive note I had lunch with a really good friend on Saturday who on losing her own mum to cancer a few years ago asked me if I would mind her adopting my mum and has ever since sent Mothers Day flowers and cards and although they haven`t met very much have talked on the phone and exchanged birthday and Xmas cards .

    Well she is going to take mum out on Emmas wedding day and make it really special for her ( whilst we`re in Italy ) and also take responsability for mum taking her medication which is a huge relief `cos although I`ll be ringing her all the time I don`t have to make a conscious effort with regards to time, she will also take a photo of mum dressed in her best and superimpose it on a wedding photo thus giving the delusion that mum was actually there which she may actually believe in the future.......how generous is that .

    Thanks again

    Love Jeanie x
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,668
    Kent
    Jeanie, that is one of the nicest things I`ve read for ages. That`s what I call a really really good friend.
     
  12. jeanierec

    jeanierec Registered User

    May 7, 2007
    121
    north yorkshire
    Really am on my way to bed but have to say Fifi La Folle is a truly amazing name of which I am quite envious , and when I can`t sleep in the wee small hours am going to search out a ( I`m so going to have fun with spelling this !) psuedonym!!

    Perhaps we could all find wonderfully extravagant names for ourselves !!!

    Night night

    Jeanie x x
     
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Jeannie, you are so lucky to have such a good friend. How wonderful that she wanted to 'adopt' your mum, and it's so thoughtful to make the wedding day special.

    And I love your name! My sister is called Jean, named after my grandma, whom I adored. She was called Jeannie. She lived with us when I was a child, and spoiled me rotten!

    But if you want a glamorous pseudonym, go for it!

    Love,
     
  14. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Jeanie,
    Most people when they first come to TP are in a state of need - feel unable to give something back - then for a while it changes. But like dementia it is a rollercoaster - sometimes you give, sometimes you take - sometimes you just read other peoples posts, and hang on to the other members without them even knowing, cos that is all that keeps you afloat.
    So just be yourself - and dont worry!!
    Love Helen
     
  15. jeanierec

    jeanierec Registered User

    May 7, 2007
    121
    north yorkshire
    Thankyou Helen

    Your message meant a lot, sometimes you just crave affirmation that you`re accepted in spite of your own perceptions of inadequacy.

    Jeanie x
     
  16. jeanierec

    jeanierec Registered User

    May 7, 2007
    121
    north yorkshire
    Hi Hazel

    I was christened Jean, apparently when I was born ( and I did take an awful long time to make my appearance.......been a bit lazy ever since I have to say ) mum hadn`t decided on a name , so when the midwife asked what I was called it was the first thing that popped into her head and although I`ve never been keen I guess I had a lucky escape .......SHE HAD BEEN THINKING OF YULANDA. Don`t know if there is an Italian influence there and I hope any Yulandas out there won`t take offence but suddenly Jean didn`t seem so bad !!

    But over time close friends and workmates have often called me Jeanie which I really like so have finally adopted it .Although I have to say I`ll answer to anything ....for example Danny calls me either Dolly or Monkey the latter not being quite so nice especially when you consider I`m actually Monkey 2 a close second to Polly our rescue cat who we both adore but who definately rules the roost in this house as her nickname as monkey 1 will confirm.......can`t help thinking on reading this back we actually sound quite bonkers ....oh well life isn`t so bad here on Planet Monkey tonight !

    Love Monkey 2 x
     
  17. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    So is Monkey 2 your new pseudonym?

    (Totally agree about the name!)
     
  18. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Hi again Jeanie,

    You sound as though you have a really good friend there, one of the upsides of our situations is that you do find you have lovely friends out there.

    So glad you like my stage name - it was conceived several threads ago in the Tea Room when there was discussion of a joint virtual stage production and the name just came to me out of the blue.

    Good luck.
     
  19. jeanierec

    jeanierec Registered User

    May 7, 2007
    121
    north yorkshire
    Oh dear me Hazel what started out as a joke may just have to be a reality so perhaps as we have Fifi la Folle we could also have Mimi la Monkey.....2 just looked up monkey in french its " singe " just doesn`t lend itself to anything frivalous!

    Love and bananas

    M la M 2 x

    ps. maybe I should take this rubbish to the tea room instead of inflicting it on TP
     
  20. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Monkey Magic? Suzi la Singe?
     

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