1. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    south lanarkshire
    Hi all
    To-night I am really depressed, as I have said before Mum and Dad have Alzheimers/dementia. They could no longer cope in their own home so I bought a residential chalet and have sited it in my garden. My daughter and cousin help care for them.
    To-day I took Mum back to her own home to collect some clothes. I have had to take things softly, softly to get them to stay here.
    On arrival I discovered my Brother had removed television and various other items into his house. When I complained about this my Mum defended him and intimated, he was the greatest thing since sliced bread and could have anything he wanted, meanwhile I am minus a television, microwave, toaster, kettle etc. Don't get me wrong these things are not from my own home, but from holiday cottages, I own, but still have to be replaced and it is not the cost, but the unfairness of it.
    What hurt the most was my Mum, idolising my brother, who does as little as possible, towards their care and my daughter my cousin and especially me, who is involved getting the blame for daring to argue with him.
    I have been reluctant to up the level of social worker's care too quickly, to let them settle in to the Chalet, because in their own home Mum hated "those people" coming into her house. After to-day I think I realise, Mum doesn't know, who does what, for her and tomorrow, I will be asking for carers and meals on wheels, respite whatever?
    I am soo hurt to-night, I know she cannot reason, but it is still hard when I am doing my best and the brother who is only out for what he can get is the bee's knees
    Sorry for whinging, but I hope I will see things in a better light tomorrow
  2. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    That is so hard for you, I understand because I have a brother who is treated like the messiah as well. It can feel very frustrating. My final straw was the other week when he returned from his two week holiday in Greece and told me he knew he did not do as much for mum and he knew it was hard for me living nearby but as he works nights it was all so much harder on him emotionaly. I am still baffeled as to how this works.... when I do all appointments sorting out and have to be there almost every day while he may visit once in six weeks. But the only consolation I can give you is that inside you, you know how much you are doing and you will be able to hang on to that in the future. On reading what you have said, and what you are arranging to help your parents I think you are bloody marvelous
  3. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Hi Alfjess

    Please don't apologise for feeling depressed or feeling you are 'whinging' - goodness, don't we all have to at times?

    I recall a previous thread of yours which was inspirational about the innovative way you were caring for your parents......

    I posted a while back about feeling 'Dismissed' by my own mum because her sister ('Best thing since sliced bread' - 'Yeah, right'! scenario) was suddenly on the scene.... (I'm sorry, I haven't learnt how to do links ..) and got loads of words of wisdom from the lovely folk here.....

    I know tonight her sister understands nothing of what is really going on mostly because she doesn't want to - and if she did - she'd find some excuse NOT to help... I know I'm the one taking mum to hospital again tomorrow.... I'm the one makes sure mum is as safe as she can be, fed, clean - all the basics and more besides......

    When I feel frustrated at the apparent lack of care (or the sheer selfishness) of others I think SHOULD be helping more I remind myself I'm the one can sleep easy at night (and I admit the nasty side of me trusts they can't!)

    Some give, some take.... remember which is the most rewarding..... doesn't always feel like it at the time, I know.....

    I hope Norman doesn't mind me quoting him from that previous thread but the phrase that sticks in my mind so (Thank you again, Norman) ... 'Rise above it'.......

    Well done so far, Alfjess.....

    Allow yourself time to be 'down', angry... it's 'allowed'!!!! - many here to help you too ..

    Just sending a hug if it helps.....

    Love Karen (TF), x
  4. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Your brother isn't the messiah, mine is :D

    My dad has been dead for 21 months and in that time my brother has seen my mother twice - once at the funeral and once last December when she was in hospital. However, when the worst happens, he will be there like a bee around honey to see what there is for him.

    Of course he can do no wrong in my mother's eyes. We used to have regular rows because she wanted me or my sister to drive us to see him 'because he doesn't have a car'. She was in terrible health even then so it wasn't practical to take her anywhere that wasn't essential, people should have been visiting her.
  5. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    hi alfjess ......... whinge as much as you like ..... what a difficult situation. it's often the case though that the person who visits least is the one who is idolised. so much easier to build up a positive fantasy and idealise someone who isn't there. i'm sure if she saw a little more of him, the reality s**t would hit the fantasy fan ......... :rolleyes:
  6. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    what does the scouse actor,whos name escapes me say "My ****"
    A good one for some relatives.
  7. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    Hi alfjess


    I've posted about this subject before. Afterwards I always felt a bit guilty that I was banging on about the lack of help from my bro when what I should be concerned about is my mum's welfare. But as carers we have feelings too! As TF said, it's about whether you can sleep at night based on the help you're giving your loved one. Let's hope your bro has bags the size of suitcases under his eyes. :eek:

    Alfess, you are doing a grand job. It's little consolation when you're fed up and you feel like you're running yourself ragged, but chin up. The 'A' team are all here! Post again soon and let us know how you are.
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Sorry you are so low alfjess. What is it about the children who do all the caring, being dismissed in favour of the selfish ones?

    I`ve seen it happen so many times. The one who takes all the responsibility is so unappreciated while the one who visits once in a blue moon is thr `golden one`

    It hurts so much, you mustn`t feel you have to apologise. I could give you lots of examples of those being cared for really undervaluing carers, but suffice to say `Been there, done that, worn the t-shirt` and so have many of my friends.

    It doesn`t make it any easier for you, or less hurtful, but try to believe your mother can`t help it. Whatever happens to her brain, we don`t know, but something does and it seems to be common in many sufferers who become demented.

    Count to 10 and know your conscience is clear.

    Best wishes Grannie G
  9. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    I am wondering why Norman might think that I might know the name of a scouse actor who utters such .... 'wisdom'!!!!!:rolleyes:

    Ricky Tomlinson ...... fine philosopher!!!! :D

    Actually, perhaps 'Royle Family' characters have a lot for us to think of here.... in their own peculiar, lazy-good-for-nothing ways at least they all stick together.....

    Perhaps it's because nothing really significant really challenges them - except the batteries in the TV remote going.... ever wonder how some apparently perfect or at least functional families would cope if they had even half what some of us here have to cope with....???

    Just a thought,

    Love, TF
  10. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Yes, the one who does the least usually seems to get the most credit, praise etc.

    (I noticed that at the funeral too, "what a responsibility it has all been for M!" [brother] when mostly I was the one who was there and could have coped better with less of his erratic interference.)

    Hope you can get carers and home helps and meals on wheels, Alfjess.


  11. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    Hello noelphobic
    I do not know how to highlight a quote yet but your message of Your brother is not the messiah mine is:) made me laugh all day thanks it was great made my day xxxx

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