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Denial - My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a week ago…

vickylondon

New member
Jul 25, 2021
8
0
Hi, my dad was diagnosed during the first lock down. It’s hard to accept the diagnosis, I’m still struggling and often cry as it’s hard work . His license had to be sent back , he was upset for a while but gradually accepted it and now walks a lot. I did power of attorney myself both for finance and health and welfare, do those ASAP. Take care and find time for yourself x
Hi - thank you for responding. Can I check what you mean you did power of attorney yourself please? We will approach soon but he hasn’t got his head round it yet and I feel like already I’m bullying him into talking about what we have managed to discuss.!
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
786
0
Please don't leave it too long to sort out POA - you may find that the window of opportunity has closed if you do.
I doesn't need to be a "dementia" thing - sell it to him (and get your Mum to do it at the same time), as a means to help if anything happened to prevent him being able to manage his affairs. My Dad didn't have dementia, but had sight and hearing problems. POA would have allowed us to help him manage things when Mum became unable to help him.
You can print forms off and complete them yourself - you don't need a solicitor. As long as your parents have neighbours/ friends willing to witness, that's all you need.
Since Mum's diagnosis several relatives and friends, without a dementia issue, have decided to do POA etc. - just in case.
 

vickylondon

New member
Jul 25, 2021
8
0
Please don't leave it too long to sort out POA - you may find that the window of opportunity has closed if you do.
I doesn't need to be a "dementia" thing - sell it to him (and get your Mum to do it at the same time), as a means to help if anything happened to prevent him being able to manage his affairs. My Dad didn't have dementia, but had sight and hearing problems. POA would have allowed us to help him manage things when Mum became unable to help him.
You can print forms off and complete them yourself - you don't need a solicitor. As long as your parents have neighbours/ friends willing to witness, that's all you need.
Since Mum's diagnosis several relatives and friends, without a dementia issue, have decided to do POA etc. - just in case.
There is no way I can it for my dad. He will have to be involved. If he found out he would never trust me again so can’t go behind his back. Like I said he is still fine on most ways and in early stages. When the time is right think will def get mum to do at same time and sell as nothing to do with Alzheimer’s diagnosis!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,448
0
South coast
Dont worry, @vickylondon , your dad will still have to sign the forms, so you will not be going behind his back.

I think @lollyc was trying to explain that you dont need a solicitor to sort out the forms and register the POA, you can do that bit yourself. You will also need a friend/neighbour who has known him for two years or more to witness your dads signature. Other than that the process is exactly the same. Your dad has to agree to POA, understand what it means and sign to consent. Its best if you can get POA for both Finances and also Health and Welfare donr at the same time.

The advantages of doing it yourself (as opposed to using a solicitor) is that it is much cheaper, you can do it in his own home and you can pick your time.

I used a solicitor for OHs POA because he was very suspicious that I was trying to control him and he would not have consented to anything that I downloaded myself. For this reason I got POA for me too, as anything I got he wanted too. So we both went to the solicitor and signed everything at the same time. We both did POA for Finances and Health&Welfare at the same time and it cost £1,200 in total (I didnt tell OH how much it cost), but it was worth it because OH would not have done POA any other way.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,725
0
There is no way I can it for my dad. He will have to be involved. If he found out he would never trust me again so can’t go behind his back. Like I said he is still fine on most ways and in early stages. When the time is right think will def get mum to do at same time and sell as nothing to do with Alzheimer’s diagnosis!
I would get the ball rolling about LPA asap. This is what we did regarding my mother in law, who with already pre existing mental health issues way before the dementia diagnosis, was paranoid about money being spent . We had to really think outside the box as it were.

Both my husband and I were already taking out LPA for each other anyway and we didn't use a solicitor. My mother in law was living on her own, so I approached her neighbour who had known her many years and asked her if she would mention LPA on her next visit . It wasn't sold as anything to do with dementia. So the plan was for the neighbour to visit several times and bring up the topic as if it was a normal course of events that everyone did at some point . This process of visits and "grooming " took several weeks. We reinforced the message by discussing the forms as well on our visits. My mother in law didn't want to be seen as different to anyone else and we knew that she would refuse to cooperate with a solicitor. Eventually after about 3 months with the forms ready she signed them with the neighbour as certificate provider and another neighbour as witness .
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,843
0
Nottinghamshire
As I mentioned my mother was OKish about taking out POA because her friend told her it was a good idea. When mum first mentioned it in 2016 I was beginning to become concerned about her cognition. She'd had a nasty virus earlier in that year that really showed how confused she was becoming. I agreed it was a good idea, but it took a year of gently raising the subject before we actually got her to go for it. We did it through a solicitor because mum trusted them, and though it was more expensive at least it got sorted. Mum had very poor eyesight so I was reading all her post, writing cheques for her to sign etc by then. I didn't tell her what the bill from the solicitor was as I think she'd have baulked at that point. I knew she could easily afford it, so wasn't concerned about fudging the issue.
At the time we got it sorted in August 2017 mum was living independently with no help coming in and appearing to manage fairly well, though obviously with some problems due to her eyesight. Within a couple of months she started thinking her new neighbours were stealing from her (they weren't) and started to hide things to keep them safe. Things declined rapidly from that point, and mum ended up moving into care in May 2019. She hadn't really been safe at home for nearly a year.
Therefore I'd keep mentioning POA gently without seeming to nag as it will make life so much easier in the long run.
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
305
0
@vickylondon. I wouldn’t leave it long before trying to get the power of attorney.
It really is essential if you want to save a lot of hassle and money at a later date
my husband hasn’t been on the medication very long and I realise that it won’t make things any better.
All it can do is stabilise the condition your Dad is already in. If he is awkward and in denial now, he probably won’t ever be ready to talk about POA.
It has to be done whilst he still has some mental capacity.
 

vickylondon

New member
Jul 25, 2021
8
0
Thank you all. And I know we have to do but dad only got told less than 2 weeks ago and is in very early stages and so as I’ve said he needs to get his head round it a bit more before we talk to him about it. Have spoken to mum and when the time is right she is going to suggest they both do it so makes it easier for me and my brother should anything happen to either of them. But for now I have to just wait and hope he starts coming to terms with it.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,448
0
South coast
I understand that you don want to push your dad, but please dont leave it too long before you get POA @vickylondon . The reality of dementia is that he may never get his head round his diagnosis. As the disease progresses, they lose insight into their own condition and feel that there is nothing wrong with them. Many people with dementia never accept that they have dementia at all. My mum was like that - she would agree that she had memory problems, but never understood that she had dementia even though the doctor at the memory clinic told her in easy to understand words and actually used the D word. Mum dismissed everything that he said.

At the beginning mum had some insight that she was doing some strange things and realised that she was having trouble using the washing machine and was making mistakes in setting the central heating control, but as time went on she started thinking that people were coming into her home and moving things around, that the washing machine was broken, and that the people who lived upstairs (she lived in a bungalow) were pinching all the hot water. Later on she had no idea that anything was wrong. She thought that the washing machine was fine and that she was doing all the laundry without any problems and that there was no problem with the hot water, when in reality she was not washing, showering, doing the washing up, or the laundry at all.

I made the mistake of thinking I had plenty of time and mum could do POA when she was ready, but she never was and I didnt try to persuade her. Eventually she lost capacity and I had to apply to the Court of Protection for deputyship. I wish Id tried harder to get POA,
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,059
0
Kent
Have spoken to mum and when the time is right she is going to suggest they both do it so makes it easier for me and my brother should anything happen to either of them.

This is what I did @vickylondon but didn`t mention making it easier for our son but said it would be easier for each other if we had a mutual LPA.

The solicitor spoke to my husband alone to make sure he understood what he was signing so I wouldn`t leave it too long before your mum broaches the subject. I know your dad has only just had the diagnosis but it`s so easy to put these things on the shelf and let them stay there.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
2,029
0
65
London
Unfortunately the denial may be life-long and there's little you can do about it. My father hasn't been able to drive for a year, when his insurance company refused to renew following his diagnosis. His licence was revoked soon after that. We went through a difficult time when I used POA and the mental capacity Act to sell his car in the teeth of his strong objections, but I had to do it otherwise the car would either have rusted away or worse he might have forgotten that he had no licence or insurance and driven it. He still talks about getting another car and tells people he expects to be back on the road soon. I steer clear of the subject as best possible but there have been awkward moments such as him suggesting we stop by a garage that has a number of cars for sale. He doesn't seem to consider the lack of a licence or the impossibility of getting insurance to be an issue in his mind. This isn't going to go away and @vickylondon you may have to try to manage the situation long term. Blaming the DVLA is a possible strategy but be prepared to be blamed yourself, which is hard to take but seems to be common.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
2,029
0
65
London
On the matter of powers of attorney, I don't know what I would have done without it. I have gradually taken over all financial affairs, and have scored a few brownie points by getting better deals on utilities for him. Recently I had to use the POA in emergency to cancel his credit card when he gave the number to a scammer. Managing someone's affairs under POA can be hard work but not having it would be far far worse.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
11,713
0
Southampton
i started poa the week he was diagnosed as something to sort out and give him a voice when he couldnt express himself any longer. he trusted me to do what he would have liked and the only way to protect that right was do a poa. we did it through age uk. had a phone appt where we answered the questions and they filled it in, sent it out to me and told me who to sign and in what order, one more phone appt to make sure it was completed properly and we sent it off. costs £160 to register but if you are on certain benefits pension credit being one, then they waive the fee and we didnt have to pay anything for registering it or for the person to fill the forms out
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
786
0
You can register the POA without actually using it immediately.
I have POA for my uncle and aunt. I currently have nothing to do with their financial affairs or their health, but, should the need arise, I and the other attorney can invoke it, because it is regsitered. We would need to access the original and contact their banks etc., in order to use it, but everything is in place ready. Incidentally, they did this as a result of Mum's diagnosis. The are currently sound in mind and body!
It's not a dementia thing. What if your Dad, or Mum, had a stroke and were unable to write, or speak (even temporarily)? How would you (legally) manage their affairs? I would talk to your parents together, and take this angle. It's not about sidelining your Dad from making decisions, it's about insuring that, if the time comes, you are able to step in. He probably thinks that your Mum will just take over - especially if everything is in joint accounts - but it's not always that simple.
 

Romf

New member
Jul 6, 2020
8
0
Hi - thank you for responding. Can I check what you mean you did power of attorney yourself please? We will approach soon but he hasn’t got his head round it yet and I feel like already I’m bullying him into talking about what we have managed to discuss.!
I filled all the forms out myself, did it online. Much cheaper than getting a solicitor to do it. It is a hard subject to broach, I just said it was for just in case , do the health and welfare at same time.
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,633
0
South of the Border
@vickylondon - you are getting loads of advice which is going to help you.

My advice is always blame someone else - ie doctor, Boris, window cleaner, anyone you can think of to divert the flak from you.

I blamed Dr re DVLA and it worked.

LPA - this is really really important to get done asap. Causes all sorts of legal problems if not. Why not suggest that Mum and Dad both get theirs done as a 'forward' plan? You can say that you have been talking to a friend and his/her parents have just done theirs and what a wonderful idea it is.........

Good Luck
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
786
0
Another couple of points!
1 - Your Mum can be one of the attornies. Assuming your Dad doesn't object to his wife potentially having control of his affairs. May make him more receptive to the idea.
2 - Registering POA with a bank doesn't mean your Dad will no longer have access to his money, or that her requires your permission to do so. 4yrs on my Mum still has active cards etc., for her accounts, even though both my sister and I have POA, and she could no more use a card than fly to the moon.
 

Countryboy

Registered User
Mar 17, 2005
1,681
0
South West
He is resisting taking the medication prescribed as doesn’t feel he needs it yet. And is refusing to fill in the dvla form and contact his insurance company re his diagnosis as has got it into his head they will tell him he has to stop drivi g even though the doctor said she saw no reason why ge couldn’t carry on driving at the moment.

Once again we have No idea if the person is in his 50’s or 80’s so I will assume he is the same I was when first diagnosed with dementia 56. and for those new members i was diagnosed 22 years ago :):)

Therefore It’s important for us to recognize that someone’s opinion is often based on what they would do. However could also be a problem What is best for somebody else, can be the worst thing for you. What one person considers garbage can be another person’s treasure. We are all so unique. Only you know what is right for you.

The Attorney General announced in September 2017 the launch of a consultation into social media’s effect on the fair trial process. It has long been established that ‘trial by the media, is not to be permitted in this country’’, but now it is time for the law to catch up and ensure that trial by social media does not happen.
 
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Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,286
0
I had POA for dad which he agreed to quite happily. His neighbours were happy to witness. I was lucky and never had to use it as dad had direct debits for everything and I would take him to the cash point every couple of weeks to get his money out. This worked well for a long time but he spent less and less as time went on.

When he first lost his car I took him into town to his bank because this was what he had always done. It was a bit of an eyeopener watching my dad draw out five hundred pounds which he put in his pocket and then walked back to the car. That was when I realised just how vulnerable he was and after that I made sure that he used the supermarket cash point.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
346
0
When spoke to the insurance company they said they didn’t need to have a record of the diagnosis unless advised by the dvla or medical professional not to drive.

We have not heard back from dvla yet. Think it’s mad that you can’t do the form online and have to post still.

They had a nice time up at brothers. He is generally completely normal most of the time.

Has started the medication this weekend but i had forgotten that you shouldn’t drink alcohol whilst on it. My dad doesn’t drink hugely but still likes to go out for a few beers once a week with his friends or have the odd one or two when we go football etc. I can’t take this away from him as it’s a small pleasure he has but equally want the medication to work as best it can!

Can’t even broach the subject of LPA yet but don’t know how long can leave it as who knows if medication will slow down progression or not.
Hi Vicky, you need to broach it as SOON as possible. Lots of things can happen, decisions about health, welfare, where your Dad lives etc can be taken out of your hands without this in place. Much easier to do this when there are no questions over capacity. I would address it in a really upbeat way, make it should like a normal thing to do to be prepared for the future. Which it is.. honestly this is so vital and will make a big difference to your stress levels and your Dad's later on. I delayed doing my Mums as there was discord in the family between my brother and I on how thing should be handled. This continued and in the end my Mum gave me sole POA. By broaching this with your dad you are 100 per cent doing what you should as a daughter and helping him plan for the future. Please don't delay.